U2’s The Edge Faces The Hague: Accused of Crimes Against Humanity

Shocking scenes from Brussels were captured today when erstwhile U2 guitarist The Edge gave testimony in the case of the multiple charges of warcrimes, human trafficking and crimes against humanity held against him.

The Hague is said to have been shocked at the brazen nature of The Edge’s testimony wherein he freely admitted to all of his charges, offering up even more evidence against himself in a trial that many say has become an treatise on the nature of true evil.

The man known in Somalia simply as ‘Slaughter-King’

Among the many charges discussed today were the Edge’s admitted financial backing of Muammar Gaddaffi, his network of child sex workers, the middle eastern arms smuggling, the child soldier schemes and the construction of a factory that manafactured landmines shaped like colourful children’s characters from the pieces of destroyed hospitals.

However the visible relish that The Edge gave to the descriptions of his decades spanning campaign of clandestine evil was most in evidence when discussing his apparently profitless endeavours to prolong and exacerbate poverty and hunger in Africa. The Edge was seen to stare steadily into the gallery where his former bandmate Bono was seated while he unravelled his various ploys to destroy aid shipments and move available water sources farther away from inhabited villages.

When the prosecutor, Linda Fallowhill, produced a damning picture of The Edge in a laboratory overseeing the creation of a biologically superior tapeworm pre-infected with the Human Immunodeficiency Virus The Edge simply laughed and licked his lips, before admitting to ownership of the laboratory and shouting an approximation of his bodycount at the jury while cackling.

Many have wondered at how such a prolific career of terror began and continued undetected. While Bono was unavailable for comment, bandmate Larry Mullen told the court of The Edge’s increasing dissatisfaction with the band’s charitable message and actions, and the large amount of time the guitarist spent meeting with unnamed, armed “sheik looking fellas” while the band was on their 1997 ‘Pop’ tour; meetings that he refused to explain.

The trial and The Edge’s testimony are ongoing.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent