Rivers of Unknown Pink Slime found under Site of Thatcher Statue

Plans to erect a statue of Margaret Thatcher in her home town of Grantham have today been put on hold due to the discovery of rivers of strange, unguent ectoplasmic slime converging in the sewers beneath the site.

The unidentified material, which has appeared seemingly from nowhere has been found flowing from all directions underground to the central point where the statue of the Iron Lady is due to be erected.

The viscous liquid, dubbed 'Psychomagnotheric Slime' by Dr Egon Spengler, has been found clogging up Grantham waterworks, contaminating the local water supply and conjuring undead trains as it travels inexorably (and in many cases uphill and against the current) toward the site of the proposed statute, where thirteen people, seven cats, and a priest yesterday suffered fatal aneurysms.

The slime, which has been noted reacting to negative human emotions and opening portals to allow ghosts entry into our realm has been collected by a team of scientific experts is apparently similar to a substance found in New York in 1989. The notorious incident saw  slime cover the Manhattan Museum of Art until a motown infused statue of liberty smashed through the shell.

Grantham Council has strenuously denied the possibility of a similar situation befalling the small Lincolnshire town, although they have admitted to being unable to stem the flow of the slime, which has been seen leaking from taps in the area and taking the form of a kind of shrieking anti-unionist face.

The slime is said to be unconnected with a spate of unexplained incidents around the site of the statue. Many Grantham residents have noted that any spilled milk immediately flows toward the site, while others have been distressed by the amount of birds that fall dead from the air as they pass over the area as their hearts burst in their chests.

Dr Spengler has warned the local council that the fear and hate engendered by these incidents have appeared to increase the slime activity, alleging that the substance feeds off of the negative emotions it causes, much like the Conservative party itself

Controversially, many conservatives have opposed the building of the statue, claiming that it ‘goes against the Baroness’ wishes”. Instead many Tory MPs have prepared a list of possibilities that may be more fitting, including a catapult that indiscriminately fires boulders into Scotland, a sheath of vinegar-soaked razorwire that could be fitted on a jobcentre, a black seven hundred foot obsidian spike with a coalminer on the end, or a simple statue of a boot stamping on a human face -forever.

Thatcher, (also known as the ‘Scourge of Carpathia’ or the ‘Sorrow of Moldovia’) has made little comment about the cross-party furore since she has retired from public life to spend more time living in a haunted painting. However when approached for comment, Baroness Thatcher told us: “Death is but a door, Time is but a window. I’ll be back”

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Cameron to Realize Tory Dream of Ending NHS

Fulfilling the dream of Conservative politicians since time immemorial, David Cameron is today preparing to chair a meeting on Monday to decide how exactly the government will start dismantling the NHS and selling it off for scrap.

The summit, which will be held in the desiccated shell of Surrey General Hospital, will bring together everyone who agrees with Prime Minister Cameron’s blood oath against the institution of nationalised healthcare: Andrew Lansley, Andrew Lansley’s wife, a cabal of pharmaceutical company leaders and Nick Clegg, who officially gave up trying to be a Lib Dem in a press release earlier this week

Cameron told us, “We have to finally come to a decision about the system. Mr Lansley has been working diligently at putting in place a series of small changes which slowly balls up the NHS over a gradual period- like rust or entropy itself- and we’ve all been delighted with his progress in slowly tearing it down from within.”

“But many of us believe that a more direct ‘slash and burn’ approach to permanently buggerring the NHS would be more cost effective. This will involve more wrecking balls, shakeups in the administrative structure and flamethrowers.”

“It’s really all about striking that balance between gradual ineptitude- Mr Lansley’s ‘death of a thousand cuts’ approach- and the rest of the Cabinet’s desire to just get it over with and put the NHS out of its misery.”

Cameron added, “Ooh, just saying it makes me feel all warm inside.”

Earnest public school hall monitor and leader of the shadow of the Labour party Ed Milliband has spoken out against the lineup of the summit, stating that Mr. Cameron has failed to invite anyone who may oppose the health care reforms, such as any member of the Royal college of GPs, any member of Royal College of Nurses, any member of the British Medical Association, any member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, any member of the Faculty of Public Health or any sick people who aren’t also rich.

Prime Minister Cameron dismissed this allegation as preposterous, saying that he was simply inviting a panel of experts who would agree to stop using the ailing system as a political football and who could efficiently arrange a plan and timetable for smashing the NHS up forever and then burning the rubble.

He added that if everybody present agreed with him then maybe it simply showed that he was ‘100% right’

The statement has not stopped Opposition leaders picking apart the guest list of the summit and attacking Cameron for allegedly ‘padding out’ the panel with disinterested parties only tangentially related to healthcare in a bid to appear more inclusive.

However the PM has defended inviting the cast of Casualty, popular US rockers the Spin Doctors and five of the actors who have played Doctor Who, stating he needed “a whole host of different voices present.”


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