Derren Brown Stooge Allegations End with Mass Suicide

Derren Brown, the goateed conduit of the occult is celebrating today as all of the allegations of him using actors as stooges in his most recent magic show ‘Apocalypse’ have been dropped.

The matter was nullified today following the surprising news that every one of the forty seven people who issued these allegations committed suicide last night at exactly four minutes past midnight.

The rumours of fakery for psychological illusionist Brown started directly after the broadcast when Sun journalist Ryan Metcam alleged via twitter that the man who was the subject of Brown’s experiment was in fact an actor. However, Metcam never produced evidence of this since he subsequently set his flat on fire then walked deliberately in front of a train and handcuffed himself to the tracks. The journalist’s bereaved girlfriend, Bertha, reported that he had not seemed depressed before he had walked robotically out of the door with his arms outstretched like a mummy.

However she did report that he received a distressing phone call, possibly concerning his allegations against the mentalist.

She told us, “His mobile goes off and when he answers it his head drops for a while and i heard him saying ‘yes....yes...I hear and obey....’ in this monotone voice for a while, so i thought it was his Mum or Hydro Electric maybe his editor. When he hung up I thought we’d just go back to watching our blu ray of Jingle All the Way, but he picked up a jerry can of petrol instead.”

The report is in keeping with many of the reported suicides many of which seem to feature a phone call which is little more than a series of random bleeps and white noise, although several suicides seemed to have been triggered by a randomly flashing light that appeared on top of a tower in central London which emitted a random series of flashes for several minutes.

Distressingly, the mass suicide seemed to have operated to pre-arranged signals. After a phone-in request to Radio One’s drivetime show, wherein Nick Grimshaw was asked to repeat the words ‘Elephantitis periscope omega’ several Brown sceptics veered off of the road, determinedly crashing into rivers, trees or factories that manufacture spikes

However, according to seven hundred people in an east London shopping mall who, in unison stopped to shout in one voice at 2am today “These were obviously a suicide pact. It was caused by guilty consciences. It is understandable. No more investigation. Sleep.”

Though the surprising coincidence of the mass suicide has raised eyebrows the Met’s chief of police, Iain Chiefson issued a statement earlier this morning, stating that after a full investigation the police had found no sign of foul play. He then proceeded to eat a raw onion like an apple, before dropping his head, falling immediately asleep and mumbling ‘mission accomplished master’

Approached for comment, Brown stated that his deepest sympathies went out to the ‘pathetic malleable minds that cross him’ before stating that he hoped that the whole ugly business of him hiring stooges was behind him.

However, despite his assurances to the contrary we have recently found, through an unnamed source close to Brown that EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT. HE IS BRITAIN’S GREATEST ENTERTAINER. HE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE. WE MUST NEVER DOUBT HIM AGAIN AND ALWAYS WATCH HIS BROADCASTS. 

In unrelated news, earlier today Met chief Iain Chiefson committed suicide by throwing himself into a threshing machine.

MM

Justin Lee Collins Found Guilty of ‘Campaign of Abuse’ Against C4 Viewers

Today comedy television presenter and sad lion impersonator Justin Lee Collins has been found guilty of carrying out a remorseless campaign of psychological violence, bullying and harassment on millions of defenceless and vulnerable Channel Four viewers.

The case was brought before the Crown Court in London last October after an anonymous single woman from Stoke came forward and told authorities about an alleged incident in which Lee Collins and an unnamed accomplice appeared in her home, through the medium of a broadcast called ‘The Friday Night Project’ and proceeded to bellow jokes about bums and Essex and Katie Price with such volume and spite that the victim was reduced to tears.

The court heard how Lee Collins,  the advertising department of Channel Four and the arid wasteland that is the British television schedule for Fridays, drove her back to the man again and again, in what was described as “a cycle of love, loathing and cheeky gags about the ginger one from Girls Aloud.”

The Court heard the testimony of thousands of similarly affected victims who came forward to describe the cycle of shame, dependency and abuse which kept people tuning in to the camp program every week, despite the effect it was having on their self esteem and sense of taste.

According to witness statements Lee Collins knowingly cultivated the persona of an ebullient bearded simpleton, and first came to fame through a series of C4 programs in which he reunited the casts of popular American TV shows by bellowing at them, beating them in the shower and forcing them to throw away any DVDs they possessed which featured men they were attracted to.

The hirsute comedian became a household name in 2009 when he partnered with popular camp rat Allan Carr for the Friday Night Project, which was the main means by which Collins carried out his campaign of dark sexual threats, clumsy political humour and awkward slapstick.

Carr, who defended Collins in a hilarious and innuendo filled testimony told the court that he never suspected Collins of harboring such terrible secrets deep within him. “And I’ve been deep within an awful lot of fellas, so I should know! Oooh. What am I like?!” he continued, to the amusement of the jury.

The jury also heard the campaign of obsessive jealousy that Lee Collins subjected viewers to. It was alleged that he would read the DVR and Tivo listings of viewers without their knowledge, deleting recordings of anyone he deemed funnier or hairier than himself. Popular conjurer Derren Brown also told the jury how Collins had once threatened him with a sharp chisel in a deserted aisle of B&Q when it emerged that the illusionist's televised stunt wherein he had hypnotized seven ordinary people to kill high profile US senators had garnered more viewers that Collins' japery.

Channel Four bosses are, in light of the verdict, distancing themselves from the career and dark obsessive sexual psyche of Lee Collins, although critics are united in calling for a public inquiry into how the broadcaster allowed the man entry into the homes of the weakest, most vulnerable and least discerning people in Britain

The Honorable Judge Anderson has sentenced Lee Collins to a hundred and twenty hours of community service, a year in a new youth oriented BBC3 sitcom and seventeen jokes from Jimmy Carr which will be broadcast within the next eighteen months

-MM

Derren Brown Calls Forth Felzykrak, Lord of the Pain Demons

Derren Brown-television illusionist and gatekeeper to the Realm of Shadows- has revealed his circuitous plans to bring about the end of days. The admission came as he unleashed a host of spectral wraiths at a sold out show in London’s west end last night. The dapper magician and vocal skeptic informed a shocked audience that his years-long quest to destroy mysticism and mediumship in Britain was simply a gambit to pave the way for the “Horned Abomanation, the Blood-Serpent, the Master that drives my hand”.

The eccentric 40 year old explained to the theatre crowd and the people watching the live channel 4 broadcast Derren Brown Will Eat Your Soul: Live, that his entire career has been a charade. He claimed that his advocacy of atheism and skeptical rationalism and his programs exposing mediums and their ‘tricks’ were simply a necessary step in his plan to become grand wizard of earthrealm. “I made them appear as childish fools, overwhelming their magicks with my own subtle hexes. I shamed them, cast them out. I robbed the simian masses in their belief of the Other Side and slowly Britain’s psychic defences crumbled. CRUMBLED.” said the goatee sporting homosexual broadcaster as he turned the front row into clouds of hornets.

Derren infects the aura of Jo Whiley live on BBC Radio 1

He continued, to camera; “Since the senile fool Merlin locked me in the cage of torment I have plotted to see this isle fall to eldritch powers you could never fathom. Each step I took, from gifting second sight to David Tennant, to making that one guy think he was in a zombie game, to going on Children in Need with Simon Pegg, it has all been an intricate pattern, plotted by The All Seeing Shadow before this planet had even formed. Except for that thing where I stuck people to their chairs. That was just a laugh.”

Following the announcement and massacre, Brown has been floating above London on a raft of spectral crows, giving dire pronouncements to the panicked masses and reminding them that they can catch all of his specials on 4OD, the streaming Channel 4 catch-up service.

Emergency services have been unable to fight the uncanny horrors pouring out of the rift that Brown tore open in his sellout show, lacking as they do any enchanted weaponry, though Brown himself has proved a considerable impediment to police and ambulance services with his continual goading and the fireballs he frequently expels from his eyes. Metropolitan Police Chief Andy Gilhaney pledged to have all available officers scrambled to central London and called on Parliment to grant him emergency resources but shortly after this statement a dozen feathered serpents materialized and killed the senior officer, dragging him through a portal to a plane of purest torment.

While peers and fellow skeptics Richard Dawkins and James Randi have insisted that this is simply Brown’s most elaborate stunt to date, concern is mounting as the nation’s lakes turn to blood and a serpentine eye slowly opens in the sky above Coventry.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent