North Korea Announces It Won All of the Olympics

Olympics news: In an historic sweep, North Korea has won every gold medal at the London 2012 Olympics, sources in the country’s media have confirmed today.

The news broke on the nation’s news channel KCTV (their motto: ‘KCTV: Fair and Balanced’) earlier today when the country’s newly-wed fascist leader and Olympic gold winning hurdler Kim Jong-Un arrived back in Pyongyang fresh from his flight from London’s olympic village, weighed down by six hundred and seventy two gold medals-  a new world record.

A KCTV opined this morning,   “It is a great sign of the undeniable athletic power of our nation under the unquestionable leadership of Kim Jong-Un- the strongest and fastest man who has ever lived”

Despite a rocky start, where North korean athletes were introduced under South Korea’s flag, the notoriously fun loving nation were seen to laugh off the gaffe, and assured olympic officials that there were absolutely no hard feelings and it really didn’t matter to them anyway.

Kim Jong-Un’s reported performance at the games came as the real surprise however, with many sportsmen reportedly being surprised at the fact that a man leading one of the world’s most flourishing economies and military forces would have the time to become the best pole vaulter in the world. Others were reportedly incredulous at the sight of the Glorious Leader single handedly winning the rowing events and completing the baton race without any other athletes to aid him.

“Having thoroughly conquered the British in their own country and besting those decadent American dogs in the hundred metre butterfly stroke, it is clear that my nation is superior in every way- both in our ability to successfully fire rockets and in our ability to beat the heavily tipped Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team in straight sets.”

The success of the North Korean athletes is being put down to their strict regimen of exercise, gorging themselves on a handful of rice a week and the fact that their mother’s would be guillotined in a city square if they got anything less than a silver.

 

Olympic showjumping Gold

As for Kim Jong-Un’s stupefying abilities, the mysterious young leader has stated that they are due to “the ghost  of my father which lives inside my lungs and fills me with the strength of a thousand lions, the speed of seventy-one Jamaicans and the nuclear fire of fifty of our secret warrhea-I mean eagles. The nuclear fire of fifty eagles.”

KCTV reported that the Dear Leader and his athletes won in a surprisingly vast field of events including the 300m traitor shooting, the 200m conga, the bobsleigh, the 1000m landmine pole vault, rhythmic gymnastics, rhythmic waterboarding, dressage and the full contact hammer-throw.

 

The world's fastest man, seen here trailing behind Kim Jong-Un

Though neither KCTV or North Korea’s government officials have sought verification from London or the Guinness world record organisation the country is celebrating their victory by wailing in the street for five uninterrupted days as the country’s military fires celebratory ballistic missiles indiscriminately in all directions into the Pacific Ocean.

Meanwhile it has been found that new bride Ri Sol-Ju has been paying tribute to her country’s brave athletes in her own way by trying to vault over walls, swim over vast expanses of water and run very far, very fast

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Ri Sol-Ju Selects Katie Holmes as Maid of Honour

The controversial and entirely consensual  marriage of North Korea’s chubby faced fascist Kim Jong-Un and ex pop singer Ri Sol-Ju has  attracted more attention today when it was revealed that Ms. Sol-Ju has insisted that- for the official marriage ceremony- the Ex-Dawson’s Creek actress Katie Holmes should be selected as the Maid of Honour.

The unusual choice is thought to be a result of the Batman Begins actress’s recent marriage to level-headed scientologist megastar Tom Cruise who many are comparing to North Korea’s divisive leader Kim Jong-Un.

 

The diminutive and isolated fanatic is known to incite excited fervor amongst his followers. In his secure compound he has cultivated an aura of intense mystery and fascination around what many suspect as being  clandestine and illegal activities that should be under investigation by the UN. He also recently starred in Rock of Ages.

An Unnamed North korean insider told us: “The stresses of living with a total mentalist who thinks that he’s the embodiment of all of the energy of the universe is a tough thing for a new bride. Between choosing a dress, planning the wedding’s theme, visiting her family in their concentration camp and inviting all of her friends it’s bound to be a strain. Add to that the fact that Ri will also be dealing with a husband who fervently believes that his soul is magic, that he can fire missiles from his brain made of communist thought energy and that his malnourished country of sad eyed skeleton people will rise up to conquer the west...well, the bride could well develop cold feet. That may be why she is seeking expert help.”

“There are very few women in the world who will be able to guide Ri Sol-Ju from a career of mediocre entertainment to a career of fellating a four foot psychopath who thinks he can blow up America with lazer thought bombs given to him by an alien king/ghost of a father who is a god. Katie Holmes is one of those people.”

Holmes, who is fresh from an amicable divorce hearing in which she reluctantly promised Mr. Cruise ownership of all of her ancestor’s energy signatures that live inside her aura in exchange for a settlement of eighty seven million dollars, has made no official reply as yet.

However it is thought that she has already sent Ri Sol-Ju an encouraging letter which details various warnings about the pitfalls of being attached to such a public figure who also happens to think that rainbows are a direct result of his happy thoughts. Ms Holmes is also rumoured to have counselled the merits of ‘going dead inside’ and advised that hobbies are a good idea. Holmes endorsed her favourite hobby of digging holes in the dead of night while a papier mache version of yourself lay in your guarded room.

 

Though officially married, Kim Jong-Un will be holding a public wedding ceremony in October for the edification of his people. The ceremony- scheduled for two days after America is ‘shattered by my great nation’s kryptonite neutron rockets’- will be held in the couple’s palatial home to a delighted audience and several hundred men with machine guns.

Korean officials state that the ceremony is still open to Ms Holmes unless she is busy pursuing her career of making movies mediocre.

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Perfect Omnipotent God/ Leader Dies on Train

Kim Jong Il is Kim Jong Dead, it has emerged

The North Korean leader and beloved worldwide figure, whose birth brought about spring and whose smile has been documented to cure the ill, has died on a train, struck down by a heart attack that he himself designed to kill him, according to a North Korean news broadcast

The act of suicide, which our puny minds cannot fathom because they cannot achieve the greatness that was Kim Jong Il, occurred sometime on the 17th of December on a train headed toward Pyongyang some time before the Dear Leader allowed the sun to rise.His son and fellow supernatural being Kim Jong-un will become his ‘great successor’ and it is reported that he has already imbibed some of his father’s power in a manner similar to ‘the quickening’ (a magical act from the film ‘The Highlander’ which Kim Jong Il wrote, directed, starred in and then made reality)

The death of the world’s greatest boxer, showjumper, pastry chef, jingle writer, saxophonist, sex practitioner and political leader has been met with enormous- if state mandated- grief. In accordance with his death wishes every single person in North Korea is today, making their way to their nearest public square and yelling continual grief-screams at the skies for twenty three hours. Any infidel found not engaging in this reasonable request will, of course, be machine gunned and shovelled into a mass grave.

Today leaders from around the world are expressing their own grief by letting out huge sighs, lowering alert levels and putting back the hands of a clock that symbolises how close we all are to nuclear annihilation; marks of respect to a man that commanded respect and fear wherever he chose to materialize at will.

According to official channels it is currently thought that the death of the Dear Leader was a deliberate attempt to elevate him to a higher level, beyond mere flesh. Now a powerful ghost Jong-Il (who was the world’s best golfer) can now travel to America and destroy that nation of effete and cowardly rat-people with his wonderful poltergeist powers.

Officials are predicting that America will be either a rubble-strewn wasteland or a new communist utopia dedicated to building a robot body that can contain Jong-Il’s roaming spirit within the week

The nervous and starving citizens of the glorious nation of North Korea now turn their subservient eyes toward Kim Jong-un and state officials are now trying to gauge exactly how much like his father he is.

Inheriting his father’s powers, film catalog, nuclear arsenal and magic powers Jong-un’s first few months is thought to be a proving ground for what kind of infallible leader he is likely to be. Experts are predicting that, considering the much discussed and discouraged weapons tests of the last few years, Jong-un’s advisers will stress the importance of proving his martial might in the wake of his father’s elevation.

Leaders from around the world are united in claiming that that’s just bloody dandy


FP