Rupert Murdoch Becomes Lidless Fiery Eye

Australian Media Mogul and First Lieutenant of Morgoth Rupert Murdoch is set to return to public life after the lengthy and highly publicized embarrassment of the Leveson Inquiry. Appearing atop an obsidian spire this Friday the BSkyB CEO unveiled his new form as an immense catlike eye wreathed in flame

The transformation has shocked many Murdoch supporters who feel that during the recent hearing regarding the phone hacking scandal, the elderly Australian seemed to have been making way for his son James to take over his empire. Choosing instead to return as an enormous ever-searching eye atop an 800 foot tall tower outside London, however, is thought to send a clear signal that Mr Murdoch has no imminent retirement plans

BskyB spokesman Mike Newton told us today: “Murdoch is obviously a master of the dark arts of PR (and enchanted metallurgy). He’s sending a strong message to his media empire and stockholders: you thought your final alliance of celebrities and MPs had banished me, but I will always return. They diminished him, certainly, and a portion of his might and influence left him but it was only a matter of time before he entered this world once more”

Receiving a grilling from the Inquiry board-an incident that Murdoch stated was his ‘most humbling day’- was thought to be a definitive blow against the Dark Lord Murdoch. As he faded and departed, leaving behind only a lingering shadow and several terrible newspapers the peoples of the world rejoiced, held banquets and sang songs of his defeat.

Labour MP Tom Watson told us: “There came a time when the courage of Man was tested. We proved ourselves worthy and we faced down his hordes of journos, lawyers and those big flying lizard things. But then rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear. And now he returns”

“His gaze pierces all. It looks in celebrity’s phones, at Hugh Grant, in bins, up starlet’s skirts for the Sun.”

Murdoch acolyte Mike Newton warned the remaining MPs and celebrities against a fresh attack on the Eye. Speaking to MP Watson, Louise Mensch, Sean Bean and Steve Coogan, Newton claimed that even if he suffers another setback in public perception, it is thought that he will live on through his son James Murdoch- the chairman of News International who was born in the heart of a great volcano.

“He was forged in secret, a master Murdoch, to control all others. And into James he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life

“Against the power of Murdoch there can be no victory”, Newton concluded.

Despite the risk of opposing Murdoch’s Eye several sources report that Lord Leveson convened an impromptu meeting late last night while the Eye was distracted by some footballers hiring a vanload of prostitutes. Rumours have circulated that a pair of diminutive Guardian journalists have been selected to sneak past the Eye and into the headquarters of News International itself where they plan to drop a story about bribing police for scoops about murders into the Sunday Times: a move that may topple the all seeing Eye once and forever.


MM

Scorching Hot Tory Babe Louise Mensch Attacks ‘Sexist’ Media

Steamy chick-lit author and Tory MP Louise Mensch has hit out against what she refers to as 'trivialization' of female MPs based on their looks in a statement that she made with her sexy mouth.

The pouty Conservative vixen said, in an interview with GQ (in reference to her policy ideas) “Everything I had said was washed away under the fluffy-bunny thing of looks. It is Theresa May’s kitten heels all over again.” She then batted her eyelids and adjusted her bra which was struggling to contain her heaving bosoms beneath her sheer, satin shirt during the fit of heated rhetoric

The MP has shot to fame recently through her involvement in the high profile Leveson inquiry and through being that very rare sight in the British political landscape: a young, progressive Tory with supple legs, a regard for a ‘Thatcherite’ economic model and come-to-bed eyes

Mensch has hit out at institutional sexism before: commenting on the low regard she felt she was held in, she previously complained : "I'm not even a PPS [parliamentary private secretary, the lowest rung on the government ladder]! It's kind of annoying. What do I have to do to get promoted over here?Am I being disloyal? I don’t know."

Mensch went on to say “I need to sit down with my whip and say "What do I have to do?" No, every time there is a raft of PPS promotions and my name is not on them, I have to sit down and think ‘What am I doing wrong?” and though many feel she would have been referring to her official party legislature enforcers when she referred to her ‘whip’ many feel that she was referencing a kinky sexual aide that she may like to use or have used on her (sources close to the MP refuse to elucidate which)

Despite this, she later told her twitter followers that these comments were not meant entirely seriously. However, in these tweets she neglected to state where exactly she was tweeting from, whether within the Houses of Parliament themselves or late at night, when stripping down getting ready for bed. This has lead to widespread speculation from some quarters

Financial Times political analyst Jack Klugman has come out in support of Mensch’s statements, saying: “Ms. Mensch is a savvy politician. One of Cameron’s new breed who know how to use the media to their advantage. I may not agree with her stance on healthcare but with her use of social media, her quick-witted appearances on Have I Got News For You and this latest stunt, she’s definitely a rising star for the right.” Klugman added, “ And yes, I absolutely would. Phwoar.”

In her GQ interview Mensch went on to deny having had plastic surgery on her face or on any other part of her body, accusations which she is said to have brushed aside with an easy laugh and a flick of her lustrous golden hair


FP