Michael Gove Proposes Royal Gift of Diamond Yacht

Michael Gove- the Conservative Education minister who looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy that’s come to life after being struck by lightning- has come under fire for proposing an extravagant gift for the Queen to mark her diamond jubilee.

In a leaked letter to Nick Clegg and Jeremy Hunt, Gove proposed giving the royal old lady a diamond yacht to mark the special day; an idea that many have claimed is ‘out of touch’ with both a financially struggling Britain and the traditional understanding of buoyancy

In the letter Gove claimed that- with an invigorated image of the monarchy and the pageantry that the jubilee is sure to bring- a one-off gift of a hundred foot solid diamond yacht would be “a fitting and poetic tribute”

However Labour opposition has claimed that in a Britain increasingly ravaged by unemployment that the unveiling of a boat chiselled out of the purest quality blood diamonds would seem insensitive.

Like this but made of diamond

Shadow boating secretary William Tibbins claimed: “It’s a sad fact that many people around the country lack the means to buy even a single vehicle crafted out of precious stones. Not even a ruby moped or a scooter made out of saphires. And these aren’t just single income houses or those on benefits. You see very few diamond vehicles in ‘broken Britain’ and giving one away at such a difficult economic time may seem crass somehow.”

However Gove has hit back claiming that, as a compromise, the yacht could simply be diamond encrusted.

“Diamonds laid into cheap, proletarian wood. Yes, that would be cheaper. I think that could be suitable, if a solid diamond yacht seems like THAT much of an extravagance for our one and only Queen.”

However, Nick Clegg has been vocal in his opposition to the purchase. Speaking to the House today he claimed it would spark a row between the “haves and the have-yachts”: a turn of phrase that his writers assured him was hilarious.

The Queen herself has remained silent on the matter. When asked to comment on the issue of the commission of the diamond boat the Monarch (communicating with commoners in the only way she knows how) merely shook the journalist by the hand, asking “And what is it you do?” before getting in a horse drawn carriage and waving as she departed.

Michael Gove does have one ally in his mission, since today the Daily Mail joined in the campaign to give the Queen something nice that she can have for once in her life.

The Mail, although not accustomed to starting campaigns that aren’t predicated entirely on hate, has printed an article pleading for support of the commission of the craft. The story (which appeared in yesterdays edition) was full of pictures of Royalty on boats, waving and wearing hats like they do. Mail journalists were quick to point out the correlation between more prosperous times in our nation’s history and documented cases of the Royalty being on luxurious yachts, looking bored.

Mail Journalist Richard Biggleton argued: “Our grand upper class betters need to convey a certain style as they travel around the world for us, being greeted by dignitaries and going to lavish balls. If they cannot be afforded this style then what is the purpose of the Jubilee? Is there any point in her even going? What is the point of it?”

“What is the point of any of it?”


MM

Army Reserves Set to Teach Classes During Teacher’s Strikes

Education Secretary Michael Gove is taking a hard line with teachers by announcing that classes will be staffed by army reserves during the upcoming strikes.

“If it worked with firemen it will work with teachers” Gove told the Times Education Supplement, “last teacher’s union strike a third of schools closed and a further third were partially closed. Never again. I can assure all parents and pupils that during the strikes Britain’s fighting forces will take charge of their education.”

Infantry reserves being taught about Elizabethan drama

Under Gove’s new plan thousands of Territorial Army volunteers are being briefed across the land in a crash course in Renaissance art, Egyptian history, French pronouns and the importance of Arthur Miller in American Literature. Each TA barrack is set to take a seperate part of the curriculum and then on the day of the strike, deploy its soldiers across the land as needed.

Leuchars TA base, whose recruits are to specialise in Drama, are being lead by Sergeant First Class Mark Ferguson. He claims that the men serving under him are more than up to the challenge: “These lads have been training to face down insurgent forces in hostile territory. Teaching inner city youths how to express the inner neurosis of masculinity we see in Mamet’s Glengary Glenn Ross may be a step up from that but we are a well oiled military machine that can overcome any obstacle.”

The National Union of Teachers is said to be stunned at the audacious move, threatening to up their pension demands and even extend the strike. “It’s an outrage to assume that just anyone can do our jobs, “ said NUT head Hilary Fisto, “Our demands are reasonable considering the pressures of our job. To see camouflaged men bringing sandbags, nets and bayonets into our schools in preparation for the TA’s special curriculum is a huge misstep on Mr Gove’s part. We will not stand for this. Besides, most of our pupils have their own bayonets”

The teacher’s union are asking for an increased pension allowance, extended sick leave and the re-introduction of corporal punishment in order to claw back some respect from the dead-eyed, knife-happy, happy-slapping, heavily pregnant, grime-core classes they have to deal with. Fisto added, “Actually just the beatings will do. Give me that and you can fucking have the pensions. There’s your compromise”

However, Michael Gove, flanked by TA infantry soldiers/geography teachers has effectively shut down any further negotiations. Gove said “with this army at my side, we can crush the unions! This government cannot simply hand out money for those who require it, so for this day onward, any striking force will be taken over by our brave boys. D’you hear me Bob Crow? Our trains have needed military attention for too long. See you on the picket lines.”

The nationwide teacher strike is still scheduled for later in the month.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent