A new joint study penned by British and American cardiologists has concluded that patients fitted with artificial hearts may never truly feel pity, nor remorse nor a flicker of love for the rest of their lives.The study, which will be published in The Lancet later this week, studied the emotional abilities of people suffering severe cardiovascular problems before and after they had been fitted with their cold, mechanical hearts. Chief researcher Dr. Roy Goldsmith told us: “We have every reason to believe that the transplanting of what we in the profession call the ‘organ of the soul’ with a machine fashioned by the hands of man to transport blood by may well cause all human emotion to seep out of the patient, leaving them a husk.”“Doctors in this field have long believed that replacing that essential piece of our bodies with a factory made product- all full of copper cogs, clockwork and steel pistons probably- would take something ineffable from a person. Something ancient and vital and....good.”Dr. Goldsmith continued, “I had seen the symptoms before I began the study in earnest. I had seen the joie de vivre drain right out of their eyes as they woke up after the operation. Any good physician will know to look for that.”“It naturally follows that surgically extracting the part of you that skips a beat when the love of your life looks at you for the first time would have some serious medical ramifications. This study reveals just how severe we believe that to be.”However, despite his findings neither Dr. Goldsmith nor any of the other researchers have attempted to treat the heartlessness. Goldsmith told us: “I never broached the subject directly with any patient or subject. We reasoned that a person whose heart had been replaced with a lump of steel would have no hesitation in bludgeoning us to death with a terrible golem strength that could only be accessed by a person whose soul had been taken away and burned in a medical waste incinerator with a bunch of tumors and appendices”“To confront one of them is to risk having your face slashed to ribbons while your assailant looks impassively down at you, feeling naught.”The study, titled ‘The Telltale Heart’, advises healthcare professionals on how to spot the ‘heartless’ by their ‘cold dead eyes’ and through their reaction to topics such as baskets full of mewling newborn kittens and the film The Iron Giant. It also advises doctors to steer clear of the loveless automatons while calling for funding bodies to pledge more money to cardiology research so that “no more of these doomed and forlorn creatures need be created”
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The Duke of Edinburgh, who has been allowed to leave hospital after being kept under observation for four days, has revealed that his heart attack was caused by seeing a black guardsman eating some chicken.
Prince Phillip told the BBC today about the incident, stating that he was taking a walk around Sandringham, when he saw a ‘coloured’ guardsman on his break, eating a cooked lunch of fried chicken followed by a slice of watermelon on an outside bench. The gaffe-prone prince, overcome by the sight of a 'minority' in royal grounds and an consumed with his insurmountable compulsion to say inappropriate things to people who are of a different race to him, succumbed to a heart attack at the sight. "It was like a perfect racism storm" claims a source close to the prince.
The guardsman in question has stated that the Prince approached him, pointing manically to both his face and to his lunch, before wheezingly mutterring some racist insults, clutching his chest and fainting. Paul Lyons- the guardsman in question- recounting the incident has said: “I was amazed. I was just having my lunch when His highness approached me. I snapped to attention, obviously, but he was obviously in a state of distress. He kept pointing to my lunch and back at me. i feel like a fool that i didn’t make the connection. I helped ease him to the ground and he was trying to speak. I remember the last thing he said before he passed out: ‘gollywog’. I called the ambulance immediatly”
“It was like he overloaded” said the guardsman, “He was trying to say all these antiquated insults all at once and I think it got on top of him. If I’d known the trouble this would have caused I would have had a sandwich and a yogurt instead.”
Speaking to the BBC His Royal Highness was in good spirits today, joking:“If I’d just waited a few hours until the sun went down I wouldn’t have seen the bugger at all! Unless he smiled, or opened his eyes wide at me. I didn’t even think we employed those chaps in the Royal guard, but I suppose if any intruders come along they can chuck a few spears at them. Do we still own their country? We don’t?!”
The Prince then recounted the plot to the Michael Caine film Zulu to a delighted group of royalists.
Mr. Lyons has since met with the Prince, and has been assured that his position on the staff is safe, despite causing a heart attack to a senior Royal through his race. Speaking after the visit, Lyons told us: “I don’t take offence. We all know how he is. Whether he’s calling a chinese delegate slitty eyed, or giving nazi salutes to Angela Merkel he’s still a part of our royal family, and i for one think that the institution of the monarchy, much like old Phil’s cracks about us ‘coloureds’ is a reminder of a bygone age; a simpler time. God bless him, god bless the queen, god bless these regal relics of our grand imperial past.”
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