British Cynicism to Resume at 12pm

As the last of the fireworks died in the skies above the nation’s capital and the Spice Girls were quietly and humanely euthanized by a specialist team, the London 2012 Olympic Games came to an end with a triumphant ceremony that celebrated everything good to have ever come out of Britain;  chiefly, small cars, One Direction and Sally Gunnell

However, in keeping with NHS warnings about an excess of the alien concept of ‘national pride’ and ‘optimism’ that the event has been pumping insidiously into the national psyche, Olympics organisers have projected the image of a large clock in the skies of central London. The clock, which is counting down to a time when Britons can finally stop being upbeat and proud about Laura Trott and can go back to being mournful shambling shades who live only to whinge about the drizzle and the exorbitant mortgage rates.

The clock- shaped like the weeping face of Adrian Chiles- will reach the end of its countdown at noon today, at which point  a loud klaxon recording of Nick Griffin misquoting Churchill to incite football hooligans to kick Sikhs to death will be sounded- this is to remind the nation that it’s the proper time to resume feeling thoroughly defeated and bitter.

“We have been worried about the medical ramifications of the Games for some time.” Claims NHS spokesperson Annette Shuttlebum  “The British frame is simply not prepared to process ‘pride’ or ‘joy’. When the opening ceremonies turned out to NOT be something predictably disspiriting like the cast of Emmerdale wrestling in an old tarpaulin next to a Catherine wheel, backed by the sounds of Kasabian, well, the emergency rooms took in 200,000 people who were suffering from an anaphylactic shock.”

“We were prepared for anything except the slim possibility of it being anything other than a gigantic, mismanaged cock souffle.”

“When Greg Rutherford won the Men’s Long Jump gold, fourteen people died, their blood be upon him”

NHS experts were said to be comfortable with the level of shambles leading up to the event, with the stadium being built by sarcastic thieves and, more recently Sebastian Coe shooting anyone who was not sponsored directly by Coca-Cola in the neck with a harpoon gun. However, when Danny Boyle’s opening extravaganza stirred somrthing alien and ancient and...warm in the British hearts, hospitals were notified to brace for the worst.

The opening celebration claimed many lives through the medical trauma associated with national goodwill but hospitals around the country have been warning the government that the continued positivity being generated by the event was threatening to overwhelm the nervous systems, claiming a death toll the equivalent of the population of Doncaster at the first sight of women’s boxing champion Natasha Jonas punching a lady with her cushioned fists.

Olympic Official Jessica Bumbridge assured us that the worst is over, “Now Chris Hoy has been put out to stud, the gold medals have been sent off by the athletes to Cash4Gold, and the sight of Tinchy Strider riding a Union Jack firework into the skies as a stadium of thousands joined in one voice to sing Duran Duran’s Hungry like the Wolf is starting to fade in our collective memory like the morning after an ecstasy trip”

“When the clock strikes 12, it’ll be like this never happened.”

Steps are being taken to ease the public back into the normalcy of resigned fatalism and open weeping in the streets. the BBC’s post-Olympics coverage, for example, is being presented by four taciturn Yorkshiremen none of whom have much time for them bloody showoffs in ‘that London’, also any future televised discussion of the event is to be accompanied by a small window depicting the bleak and defeated face of Nick Clegg rotating like a kebab

It is expected that Britons will be back to moaning about the recession and commuting and Jamie Oliver’s weird mouth by Friday

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Polls Show the Majority of the Olympics Being Watched for Wrong Reasons

Despite their impressive viewing figures and the revenue being generated, television watchdog Ofcom has published findings today which suggest that up to 65% of the people tuning in to watch the London Olympics are doing so for entirely unwholesome reasons.

In a poll carried out in part by the BBC’s online service, partly through the monitoring of viewing times and partly through an online questionnaire, Ofcom has warned Olympic organizers that, despite its billing as the definitive test of human physical aptitude and a generation’s largest sporting challenge, the majority of people tuning in seem to be more interested in women’s beach volleyball and foreigners falling off of poles.

 

Yes.

Olympic spokesperson Sally Gunnel told us : “There will always be a section of the public who will be more interested in women’s tennis than the slightly less noise-centric fare like archery or hammer throwing but these figures are truly surprising. According to this only around one hundred and four people actually watched our fencing coverage, while twenty seven million people watched the trampolining event.”

“It really makes you think about your priorities.”

So far the event which is expected to see the most viewer interest will be the women’s gymnastics. An opinion poll show that while three percent are interested in seeing the sport, an unprecedented seventy percent admit to tuning in to watch flexible young women spin about on pommels while grunting. Even more upsettingly the remaining twenty seven percent admit that they will be watching for the chance to see the spectacle of lithe polish teenagers weeping in leotards.

 

Oh yes.

Ofcom official Jemimah Fiddletuck has stated; “Our polls show that while a good chunk of our audience is looking for a strangely specific fetish- like athletic women being disappointed in sandpits- the larger section are those who seem to be expecting some kind of disaster. Weight lifting is always a crowd pleaser with the prominent threat of a squat barrel-like man getting a hernia or aneurysm or just making a big mess on the floor.”

“Meanwhile pole vaulting, the javelin and archery are being heavily recorded and Tivo’d. We think that this is largely down to the high probability of fit people from other countries falling down embarrassingly or skewering a bystander with a large piece of sporting equipment”

“We haven’t seen anything this base or disappointing since our coverage of the paralympic judo event broke all known records”

 

Oh god yes.

However in light of these recent viewer demands the BBC has responded by giving viewers the option of switching to an optional audio track during specific events which replaces the commentary with soft saxophone music. This option also increases the frequency of slow motion replays and is being introduced in time for the female Handball event (in which the Brazilian team is heavily favoured).

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Cockney Street Urchins Gearing up for Olympics

A new study released by the Home office suggests that vuvuzela salesmen, the team of satirists controlling Boris Johnson and Sebastian Coe are not the only people to be positively affected by London’s hosting of the 2012 olympic games; cockney street urchins, pickpockets and homeless ruffians have seen a marked increase in their income with financial experts claiming that the summer event could bring their largely defunct profession back to the nation’s capital.

 

Economists have noted the sharp decrease in cheeky coal covered chancers on the streets of the nation’s capital, a fact that has all but exterminated the previously lucrative profession of child catcher, thief trainer and wholesale orphan supplier that had been so prevalent during the city’s boom years.

Economist Oliver Jaggers told us : “The city of London used to be the centre of the world and in that time children as young as seven could easily earn a decent living by shining shoes, nicking wallets from unsuspecting society types or simply assembling a posse of grubby faced urchins and menacing someone with a switchblade.”

The upturn in cockney crime has also seen a resurgence in rosey-cheeked whores selling their wares on street corners or under bridges and the ever-present rippers that prey on them, news that has been welcomed by the Tourist Board and the makers of Crimewatch

 

Durham University’s chief Cockneyologist Dr. Raymond W Stone told us; “The natural state of the cockney is ripping off middle class ‘tossers’ and ‘scarpering’ from the ‘rozzers’ and inventing new and colourful rhyming slang terms for police officers. despite the invention of Vinnie Jones in the late nineties, which corrupted this ideal, the influx of tourists standing about on tube stations looking confused while holding big maps with expensive cameras around their necks has been like a catalyst to the traditional cockney.”

Nominal pearly king and  mayor Boris Johnson has introduced measures to control Cockney behaviour, such as increasing the number of chubby policemen on the street corners who are tasked with chasing after rapscallions who pinch apples from fruit stalls while shouting “Oi you little terror come back ‘ere!”. London’s social services are also being revamped, with Orphanage representatives being offered incentives to wander the foggy streets at dusk ringing a copper bell  shouting “Boys for sale” (a measure that was previously confined to certain streets of soho)

 

Despite their popularity with the tourists cockney chancers have proven elusive with most denying involvement in the thriving trade. One such youth told us  “I ain’t done nuffink, gov. i wa’nt even there. I was out wiv my ol’ china Pete; he’ll vouch for us. Say, that’s a fancy watch you got there, squire. Can I ‘av a quick butchers?”

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