Thousands Recover After Def Leppard Rocks Cleveland

Emergency services are scrambling to Cleveland today as thousands have been injured and left without homes after Def Leppard rocked the city to its very foundations last night.

Left; Leppard rocks Cleveland, Right; Cleveland tries to pick up the pieces

The catastrophic heavy rock show is thought to have caused millions of dollars worth of damage to the buildings and infrastructure around the concert venue which is now being referred to as ‘ground zero’.

Today FEMA representatives and rapid response units from the surrounding states have sped to the aid of the multitudes of rock-affected citizens who are today having to rebuild their lives and homes in the wake of the disaster.

The ill-fated concert, started at around 8pm EST, but it was only minutes before the effects and casualties of Def Leppard were being reported in the wider area. According to sources inside the battered city, by the beginning of Hysteria, the first power outages were noted. By the solo of Long Long Way To Go, the first tremors were felt and by the crescendo of Stand Up (Kick Love into Motion), the first fatality had already been reported

The British rockers are today facing the responsibility for rocking Cleveland well beyond its limits, resulting in the deaths of over thirty five concert goers and a bus containing seven schoolchildren which crashed during the climax of ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’, ending the lives of five of the passengers.

Firefighter attempt to rescue those trapped in the Love Bites landslide

Police are charging the hard rock group with acts of premeditated terrorism, citing promotional material which boasted that that the Sheffield-based band would ‘rock Cleveland like a hurricane’, a statement deemed grossly offensive in the wake of hurricane Sandy and the career of The Scorpions.

A tweet sent by lead singer and writer Getcha Rocks Off, Joe Elliott, previous to the gig has been taken as evidence of the band’s intention of decimating the heavily populated city centre, and knocking out power for the entire western region of the state of Ohio .One hour previous to the start of the destruction the veteran rocker sent his followers the message: ‘Hope cleveland knows what it’s letting itself in for. We’re going to annihilate tonight #mayhem’ . 

The singer, seven roadies and a one armed drummer are currently being held for questioning.

However the band’s representation state that it was always clearly stated that the band’s intention was ‘aural mayhem’ and that any city which hosts them should expect some collateral damage

Vivian Cambell (bass, backing vocals) told us, "We said that we would rock the fuck out of Cleveland. From where I stand we fulfilled our side of the bargain. If a major metropolitan centre can't make the necessary preparations, then that's not Def Leppard's fault; that's Cleveland's."

 However, as the bodies pile up in Ohio's capital tonight, the anger of these rock-fucked citizens is turning not toward its own government, but to the band behind 'When Love and Hate Collide'

The disaster is the first of its kind since Vixen ended the lives of the first three rows of a particularly loud show in 1987 and, before that, the notorious 1986 Jakkal concert which wiped out the population of a small island just off of the coast of Stornaway.

President Obama is expected to visit the devastated city within the week and has already promised further aid to those affected by Def Leppard

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Seven Arrested in Amish Haircut Spree

Seven men have been arrested for a spree of forcible beard cuttings and haircuts that has terrified an Amish community in Ohio. The Judge overseeing the prosecution of the men, once he had been convinced that he was not still asleep and dreaming of adorable crimes, labelled the assailants’ assaults as “quaintly monstrous”.

The apprehended men come from an Amish splinter group, which is apparently a thing that exists.The sect, having set up it’s own candlelit eighteenth century farm nearby, began carrying out a series of blitzkrieg-style hair attacks on their previous home. Forcibly restraining the other Amish under the cover of night the seven men would set about trimming their beards and hair, the silliness of which is an intentional attempt to amuse god according to the Amish faith, making their shaving an act of intentional blasphemy.

Two victims of the terrifying barbery

Assault victim Levi Miller described the attack: “They held me down, I didn’t see any faces, by Jehova. It was then I heard them. Electric trimmers, as if the crime wasn’t bad enough already. They took those devil’s scissors to my beard and then they moved on to the op of my head. Styled! With moulding clay- that blasted modern contrivance. if they could have given me a mustache they would have.”

The splinter group, in their defense, claim that they left the main Amish reservation in response to the rule of one amish elder who is alleged to have gone on an unreasonable barn raising and butter churning spree, asking the members of his community to toil even harder than they already do. Sect Leader Bishop Samuel Mullet claims;“There wasn’t even anything in the barns toward the end.We were just building them to build them. I enjoy ceaseless chores as much as any Am but it became about power instead of impressing God with our ability to store grain without tractors”

Police are prosecuting the seven sect members under assault and religious intolerance laws. The affected Amish community are attempting to have them prosecuted for littering too, since the assailant’s reign of terror also included leaving modern appliances around the settlement in a deliberate and provocative temptation to the stringently backwards Amish community.

Levi Miller recalls his temptation, “I came out of the shack at dawn for another day of milking things, churning and wearing wide brimmed hats but as soon a I stepped out of the door I saw it. A 32inch Dolby plasma screen with built in surround sound. Not just that but a blu ray player and a copy of Avatar. I mean, I’ve heard it’s better in 3D, but still, it’ll probably still be way more exciting than my usual passtimes of whittling crucifixes and looking at the cows. Just as God intended.”

The settlement was also littered with iPod shuffles pre-filled with a selection of ambient hip-hop and techno, laptop computers, handheld game devices and battery operated pepper mills. “It was a nightmare. they were everywhere. Just when i thought I had cleared the last of the devil’s playthings out of the farm I would go to milk my cow and find a bluetooth dongle tied to one of her udders. Oh, it was a plague of stylish and ergonomical wireless appliances!”

The trial of the seven renegade Amish is ongoing, though several hair salons around Ohio have promised members of the sect jobs as stylists after their jail term is served.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent