Sean Penn Convinces UK to Give Back Falklands Islands

Bowing to intense pressure from pressure groups and the actor who played Jeff Spiccoli from 80s teen comedy Fast Times at Ridgemount High, the British Government has today given the Falkland Islands back to its native Argentinian government resigning ownership once and for all.

Prime minister David Cameron announced that it was in light of the recent attacks from Penn, whose acting career started with a small appearance on Little House on the Prairie, that the Government, urged by the Queen herself, resigned ownership of the controversial islands.

Cameron told us, “A lot of people have spoken about the Falklands war and our position on those islands, but to hear those points coming from Groovin' Larry from 2001's The Beaver Trilogy really put things into perspective.”

“People say that celebrities cannot affect change in this world, but I can't think of a country I've been to that wouldn't be swayed by the passion and filmography of the former husband of. Madonna.”

However, it is rumoured that the true impetus for the historic move came from the Queen herself who is rumoured to be an enormous fan of Penn's early film Fast Times at ridgemount High in which he plays the hapless, loveable stoner Jeff Spicoli

Sources close to the Palace told us “She watches that film at least once a day. It really is her favourite, and Spicoli's her favourite character. You should see her around the palace- she incessantly quotes his character, saying famous lines like “People on 'ludes should not drive! “ or, “surfing's not a sport, it's a way of life, you know, a hobby. It's a way of looking at that wave and saying, "Hey bud, let's party!"” then giggling to herself.”

“So when Mr. Penn publically denounced the 'archaic' and 'colonialist', she could not bear it any longer.”

Penn, who played Phil the Plumber in the hilarious 1988 comedy Cool Blue alongside Woody Harrelson, is said to be delighted at the news.

Penn announced: “It's time that people realized that sometimes celebrities really do know best about world affairs. Why else do you think Angelina Jolie was made a U.N goodwill ambassador? Because she looks good kneeling down next to starving children? No, it's because she just knows more about the geopolitical systems and historic economic tribulations of the African region than most.”

“And if the star of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider speaks, people listen.”

The news has been taken as a great validation for the celebrity community, who had previously felt that nobody listened to them enough when they talked about serious issues.

Angelina Jolie herself, congratulating Penn told the press: “Just because I own five mansions, and am most famous for playing a busty archaeologist who gets into heart pounding shootouts with robotic spiders, doesn't mean I don't have some serious thoughts on what to do about Rwanda. People are finally taking notice of megastars and we have to use that power wisely.”

Jolie's next film Spy, Robot in which she plays a secret agent who finds out she's actually a robot, is released July 6th, to coincide with the birthday of the Dali Lama

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Cameron to Realize Tory Dream of Ending NHS

Fulfilling the dream of Conservative politicians since time immemorial, David Cameron is today preparing to chair a meeting on Monday to decide how exactly the government will start dismantling the NHS and selling it off for scrap.

The summit, which will be held in the desiccated shell of Surrey General Hospital, will bring together everyone who agrees with Prime Minister Cameron’s blood oath against the institution of nationalised healthcare: Andrew Lansley, Andrew Lansley’s wife, a cabal of pharmaceutical company leaders and Nick Clegg, who officially gave up trying to be a Lib Dem in a press release earlier this week

Cameron told us, “We have to finally come to a decision about the system. Mr Lansley has been working diligently at putting in place a series of small changes which slowly balls up the NHS over a gradual period- like rust or entropy itself- and we’ve all been delighted with his progress in slowly tearing it down from within.”

“But many of us believe that a more direct ‘slash and burn’ approach to permanently buggerring the NHS would be more cost effective. This will involve more wrecking balls, shakeups in the administrative structure and flamethrowers.”

“It’s really all about striking that balance between gradual ineptitude- Mr Lansley’s ‘death of a thousand cuts’ approach- and the rest of the Cabinet’s desire to just get it over with and put the NHS out of its misery.”

Cameron added, “Ooh, just saying it makes me feel all warm inside.”

Earnest public school hall monitor and leader of the shadow of the Labour party Ed Milliband has spoken out against the lineup of the summit, stating that Mr. Cameron has failed to invite anyone who may oppose the health care reforms, such as any member of the Royal college of GPs, any member of Royal College of Nurses, any member of the British Medical Association, any member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, any member of the Faculty of Public Health or any sick people who aren’t also rich.

Prime Minister Cameron dismissed this allegation as preposterous, saying that he was simply inviting a panel of experts who would agree to stop using the ailing system as a political football and who could efficiently arrange a plan and timetable for smashing the NHS up forever and then burning the rubble.

He added that if everybody present agreed with him then maybe it simply showed that he was ‘100% right’

The statement has not stopped Opposition leaders picking apart the guest list of the summit and attacking Cameron for allegedly ‘padding out’ the panel with disinterested parties only tangentially related to healthcare in a bid to appear more inclusive.

However the PM has defended inviting the cast of Casualty, popular US rockers the Spin Doctors and five of the actors who have played Doctor Who, stating he needed “a whole host of different voices present.”


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