NEWSBLAST: News in Brief- 21.12.11

Man Jailed for a Year for Showing People X-Men Origins: Wolverine

A U.S District Judge has sentenced Gilberto Sanchez to a year in prison for pirating and encouraging people to watch the cinematic abortion X-Men Origins: Wolverine. According to the judge the tough sentencing is meant to send a clear message to those who wish to peddle sub-par, muddled, spin off-schlock with no coherent story and that dude from the Black Eyed Peas in it for no damn reason. Judge Donald P. Dredd said, upon sentencing: “Pirating is one thing, but pirating this shit is criminal. I mean, why was he always yelling at the sky? And what was up with that amnesia bullet at the end? If it wasn’t for Liev Schreiber’s Sabertooth then you’d better believe you’d be getting an extended sentence.”

“Also, that bit where Gambit twirls his staff like a helicopter to slow his fall from a building was really dumb”

The sentencing is a clear signal to the online community that, though pirating material is still absolutely fine, heavy charges will be levied against those who put out films under false titles, post bad video quality captures or distribute films where Hugh Jackman slices up an old man’s toilet with CGI claws then stabs a helicopter on a motorbike.

“You wouldn’t be here if you had put the latest X-Men one online, this isn’t an anti X-Men thing. I’d even overlook Magneto’s dubious accent. Listen, there are hundreds of people walking free today that post torrents for Inception or Hellboy or No Country for Old Men, but we must crack down on these torrents of Transformers, G.I Joe: Rise of Cobra and whatever 50 Cent is in. This is a message to every one of those people who would put up films online that have underwater gunfights or robot swordfights instead of something half decent”

Sanchez, 39, speaking to us after a stern dressing down from Hugh Jackman via telephone, claims he is relieved that all traces of Will Smith’s superhero travesty Hancock and Ghost Rider from his hard drive which may have pushed his sentence to 5 years

Christopher Hitchens Rises From Grave After 3 Days

Polemicist, political provocateur and Vanity Fair journalist Christopher Hitchens who died from esophageal cancer earlier this week, has returned to the earth after 3 days in the grave. Hitchens, 62 at the time of his death, was seen walking among his people earlier today and, upon investigation, police have found the cave in which the secular writer was buried is now empty and the boulder that blocked the entrance has been rolled away.

Hitchens’ lifelong friend Martin Amis was one of the first to be contacted by the resurrected author of God is Not Great. Interviewed on BBC News 24 Amis exclaimed: “He is risen!”

Though Hitchens has been quick to assure friends and fans that his resurrection from death has not softened his hardline atheist beliefs, he has warned his followers that his resurrection may not be unlimited, hinting at a fourty day remission from the grave. In the mean time Hitchens has committed himself to writing a scabrous obituary of Kim Jong Il for the New Statesman, completing a further seventeen readings from his newest collection of essays and attending a debate with Pastor Douglas Williams on the evils of the Catholic Church.

Speaking to CNN earlier today, Hitchens revealed that he has taken issue with several of his obituaries (many of which he deems “cowardly and maladroit exercises in intellectual bankruptcy”) and wishes to counter each one of them with erudite 7000 word articles, all of which will be published in a special edition of Vanity Fair next month

Iraq Stops Hiding All Its WMDs

Youtube footage hit the web today showing dozens of men in military garb looking around shiftily and then digging up some hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction in a tract of land outside of Basra, Iraq. The men, seen snickering and miming wiping sweat off their brows went on to film seventeen more excavations of nuclear and biological weapons thought to be capable of wiping out the population of the earth eight and a half times over.

The unnamed military group who seem to be under the command of a mustachioed man thought to be one of Saddam Hussein’s former dopplegangers gone rogue, has disseminated the videos of themselves removing missile systems from innocuous looking sheds, from the insides of bins and from the tops of very tall trees. One video has controversially shown the team retrieving canisters of anthrax from under a bed and another from inside an old suitcase in a loft. To add insult, the unnamed men take frequent breaks to mime belly laughs at the camera and show a map dotted with sites of suspected WMDs.

The move is thought to be related to the US military’s withdrawal from the region following the nine year conflict that was instigated partly in search of the weapons which now seem to have been hidden under parked lorries and on the tops of garages all along.

Response to the videos have been mixed, with some neighbouring middle eastern nations calling for immediate action against the group, though U.S President Barrack Obama has stated that he “can’t be arsed getting into all that again”

Hans Blix has come forward to publicly announce: “I am absolutely ruddy furious”

FP

NEWSBLAST: News in Brief -15.12.11

Higgs Boson Found in the Smiles of Children

Researchers from CERN have confirmed that they have identified and traced the elusive ‘god particle’, the higgs boson to the eyes and smiles of all of the world’s children.

Lead researcher Tom Bombadill revealed; “All this time we were looking in the wrong place, looking outside when we should have cast an eye inward. You don’t need a Hadron Collider of any size to realize that the particle from which all other matter is thought to have come from can be found all around us, from the twinkle in a baby’s eye to a kind act performed with no thought of reward.”

“It all happened when we were looking at some of the readouts from our proton acceleration chamber and I looked up at my desk where I have a picture of my newborn girl. And there it was; the elementary particle predicted by the Standard Model of Particle Physics. When i showed it to the rest of the staff we all agreed. Few people laughed, few people cried, most people were silent.”

“We’ve only glimpsed a small part of the particle so far but we will continue our research, by studying the songs of toddlers, the laughter of infants, the light in the eyes of someone truly thankful”



Government Unveil New Drive-thru Job Centres

Citing an increase in demand and complaints from the overworked Department of Employment the Government are unveiling a series of new jobcentres with a fast checkout window on the outside of the building for jobless drivers to claim their allowance more efficiently.

The new drive-thru system is being welcomed by the unemployed and jobcentre staff alike since the deluge of jobless- both newly created and long term damned- have begun to fill up centres to the point to which they can no longer function. One worker describes the round-the-clock shuffle of the hordes of unemployed in one crowded jobcentre as ‘like the crowded lifeboats leaving the capsizing ship of the world’s economy, its inhabitants already coldly considering the prospect of cannibalism’

Should the scheme prove a success the Government is already planning more expansive extensions of the scheme such as door-to-door unemployment agents for when joblessness can no longer be funnelled through small buildings, Jobcentre stadium days where football stadiums will be converted to impromptu jobcentres every Thursday or a radical system where those in employment will be asked to register every fortnight just to save time

FHM Magazine Staffed ‘Exclusively by Rapists’

A contentious new study conducted jointly by the Universties of Surrey and Middlesex (set to be published in the British Journal of Pyschology) has revealed that readers cannot tell the difference between statements given by sex offenders and quotations from articles found in lads mags like FHM, Nuts or Zoo

A spokesman for FHM has said that he could explain the findings revealing; “We’re all sex offenders here, luv. Could have saved you some time on that. Next time you want to study something come round my gaff and I’ll give you something to write about. Whether you want it or not.”

The study, in which almost nobody could differentiate between the leery advice of Zoo from the testimonies of rapists has been nullified in the light of these revelations.

FHM’s spokesman continued; “We only get rapists in. They write well good about tits all day. We had a few staff in that weren’t on any kind of register but we made sure they was one of us through this ritual we got. It goes like this- he’s got to sexually assault some bird while one of us films it on our mobile. Even the janitors here are sex pests”

FP

NEWSBLAST: News In Brief- 13.12.11

Fans Compete to be Lady Gaga’s Next Outfit

An online competition has been launched by pop sensation Lady Gaga to find a fan whose skin will become a part of Gaga’s next outrageous outfit. The competition asks Gaga’s legions of ‘little monsters’ to send in a 200 word essay on why they love the singer, plus high quality video of them applying moisturizer to the skin on their backs. Gaga has defended the provocative second part of the competition, saying via twitter; “It rubs the lotion on the skin. It does this whenever it is told.”

Five lucky winners will have specially selected portions of their skin surgically removed at an undisclosed location by a team of Gaga’s specialists and then worn by the diva in the video for her next song ‘My Transformation is at Hand- Glory in the Becoming’.

The competition has already seen more than 800,000 entries and gaga is said to be delighted. taking to twitter again the singer cryptically thanked her fans by asking: “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.’

Michael Fassbender to Sprint in Gay Olympics

X-Men star Michael Fassbender has announced that he will be taking part in the 2012 Gay Olympics where he will compete in the 200m sprint. The event, scheduled as an alternative to the main 2012 Olympics, will donate all of its proceeds to gay rights charities. Fassbender says “It’s a cause that’s close to my heart, as a gay man and as a sprinter. I just hope I’m good enough to win; I’m going to have to be a pretty rapid homosexual on the day. But it just feels right somehow, like it was meant to be, like destiny.”

Organizer Hal Emmerich is delighted with Fassbender’s entry; “It’s great to see Mike joining us, he’s sure to bring much needed publicity to our event. But this isn’t all about star power- this is about the sport and he will need to be a quick gay to win. I suppose you could say he’ll need to be a swift queer!”

The Gay Olympics will be held on February 12th

Image of Virgin Mary Found on Used Toilet Paper

A humble cottage near Cork, Ireland has been inundated with modern day pilgrims after the inhabitant, pensioner Mary Kilmichael, discovered the image of the madonna on a piece of used toilet paper. The likeness of the Christmother has surprised even its manufacturer, Mary claims: “I never usually cast an eye toward the used paper when I’m about my business but that day something told me to look, some spirit guided my eye to my hand before I was set to flush and there she was, staring back at me, praise the lord for this blessing!”

The miraculous apparition, rendered over two sheets of charmin has been framed and placed above Kilmichael’s mantelpiece where visitors are paying a small admission to be able to pray beneath it and bask in its reportedly healing aura and scent. Visitor Charlie Partson told us, “It’s like the brown eyes of the divine touching your soul. Her beautiful face is a joy to behold. If I could but touch it, I know I would feel a small piece of the divine spirit in her textured face”

Vatican representatives are said to be en-route to Cork to investigate the validity of the miracle before it rots