NEWSBLAST: News in Brief- 21.12.11

Man Jailed for a Year for Showing People X-Men Origins: Wolverine

A U.S District Judge has sentenced Gilberto Sanchez to a year in prison for pirating and encouraging people to watch the cinematic abortion X-Men Origins: Wolverine. According to the judge the tough sentencing is meant to send a clear message to those who wish to peddle sub-par, muddled, spin off-schlock with no coherent story and that dude from the Black Eyed Peas in it for no damn reason. Judge Donald P. Dredd said, upon sentencing: “Pirating is one thing, but pirating this shit is criminal. I mean, why was he always yelling at the sky? And what was up with that amnesia bullet at the end? If it wasn’t for Liev Schreiber’s Sabertooth then you’d better believe you’d be getting an extended sentence.”

“Also, that bit where Gambit twirls his staff like a helicopter to slow his fall from a building was really dumb”

The sentencing is a clear signal to the online community that, though pirating material is still absolutely fine, heavy charges will be levied against those who put out films under false titles, post bad video quality captures or distribute films where Hugh Jackman slices up an old man’s toilet with CGI claws then stabs a helicopter on a motorbike.

“You wouldn’t be here if you had put the latest X-Men one online, this isn’t an anti X-Men thing. I’d even overlook Magneto’s dubious accent. Listen, there are hundreds of people walking free today that post torrents for Inception or Hellboy or No Country for Old Men, but we must crack down on these torrents of Transformers, G.I Joe: Rise of Cobra and whatever 50 Cent is in. This is a message to every one of those people who would put up films online that have underwater gunfights or robot swordfights instead of something half decent”

Sanchez, 39, speaking to us after a stern dressing down from Hugh Jackman via telephone, claims he is relieved that all traces of Will Smith’s superhero travesty Hancock and Ghost Rider from his hard drive which may have pushed his sentence to 5 years

Christopher Hitchens Rises From Grave After 3 Days

Polemicist, political provocateur and Vanity Fair journalist Christopher Hitchens who died from esophageal cancer earlier this week, has returned to the earth after 3 days in the grave. Hitchens, 62 at the time of his death, was seen walking among his people earlier today and, upon investigation, police have found the cave in which the secular writer was buried is now empty and the boulder that blocked the entrance has been rolled away.

Hitchens’ lifelong friend Martin Amis was one of the first to be contacted by the resurrected author of God is Not Great. Interviewed on BBC News 24 Amis exclaimed: “He is risen!”

Though Hitchens has been quick to assure friends and fans that his resurrection from death has not softened his hardline atheist beliefs, he has warned his followers that his resurrection may not be unlimited, hinting at a fourty day remission from the grave. In the mean time Hitchens has committed himself to writing a scabrous obituary of Kim Jong Il for the New Statesman, completing a further seventeen readings from his newest collection of essays and attending a debate with Pastor Douglas Williams on the evils of the Catholic Church.

Speaking to CNN earlier today, Hitchens revealed that he has taken issue with several of his obituaries (many of which he deems “cowardly and maladroit exercises in intellectual bankruptcy”) and wishes to counter each one of them with erudite 7000 word articles, all of which will be published in a special edition of Vanity Fair next month

Iraq Stops Hiding All Its WMDs

Youtube footage hit the web today showing dozens of men in military garb looking around shiftily and then digging up some hidden Weapons of Mass Destruction in a tract of land outside of Basra, Iraq. The men, seen snickering and miming wiping sweat off their brows went on to film seventeen more excavations of nuclear and biological weapons thought to be capable of wiping out the population of the earth eight and a half times over.

The unnamed military group who seem to be under the command of a mustachioed man thought to be one of Saddam Hussein’s former dopplegangers gone rogue, has disseminated the videos of themselves removing missile systems from innocuous looking sheds, from the insides of bins and from the tops of very tall trees. One video has controversially shown the team retrieving canisters of anthrax from under a bed and another from inside an old suitcase in a loft. To add insult, the unnamed men take frequent breaks to mime belly laughs at the camera and show a map dotted with sites of suspected WMDs.

The move is thought to be related to the US military’s withdrawal from the region following the nine year conflict that was instigated partly in search of the weapons which now seem to have been hidden under parked lorries and on the tops of garages all along.

Response to the videos have been mixed, with some neighbouring middle eastern nations calling for immediate action against the group, though U.S President Barrack Obama has stated that he “can’t be arsed getting into all that again”

Hans Blix has come forward to publicly announce: “I am absolutely ruddy furious”

FP