Boston Dynamics Closer to Synthesizing First Robotic Glaswegian

Robotics giants Boston Dynamics have today unveiled their recent breakthroughs in their attempts to copy the shambling but tenacious walking and blind aggressive brick throwing behaviors of the Glaswegian in their newest robot- BigMalky.

Their automaton, which was previously capable of roughly aping human walking (though more slowly and in a zig zagging pattern towards the offie) has now been fitted with an arm capable of roughly hurling cinderblocks at the polis.

The artificial weegie is being called ‘Big Malky 4.6’ by the designers and is being considered for real life tests in Old Firm matches as early as August this year, where its new hydraulic arm will be put into effect throwing half full cans of special brew at Rangers fans.

Lead designer Robert C Nesbitt told us: “Our initial intention was to copy the locomotion of an ordinary human, but the challenges that this represented are- quite simply- too great for engineering right now. We had to take it down a step. That’s when we happened upon video of a native of glasgow encountering the same locomotive problems that we were facing. Problems maintaining balance, direction and consistent speed. That’s when the idea for Malky hit us like a bottle of buckfast to the brain”

The robot is funded by DARPA and is intended to carry large quantities of troop munitions and tins of Export over long distances. However it has long been thought that arming the machine with guns or ballistic missiles was a possibility. However, in keeping with its heritage the team decided to eschew a firearm and instead make Malky lob pieces of masonry with hideous force in a drunken stumble.

The video released by the company has showed the power and rough aim of the new arm (which will later be adorned with a poorly spelled tattoo) which can accurately fling bricks accurately at any nearby closed pub, giro centre or English person, while almost staying upright and within two meters of its starting position.

Nesbitt explained: "We took our lead watching an old guy from around Easterhouse fling a traffic cone full of sick at a schoolbus. If you watch a side by side comparison it's pretty much dead on"

However many have criticized the robot for its slow pace of walking, its enormous energy consumption and its rabid hatred of anyone born south of Dumfries.  However Nesbitt has been vocal in its defense, saying : "It’s still a great achievement. The robot is still very hard to knock over, can keep its balance on ice, uphill, or when pushed by as many as three young ‘neds’"

Boston Dynamics are currently promising to unveil Malky just in time for the referendum of scottish independence when at least five units will be stationed outside of polling places, swaying slightly and brandishing their newest innovation: an old stanley knife on a stick

MM

Scottish Independence Referendum to be Held in Eighteen Minutes

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has today criticized David Cameron, accusing the Prime Minister of imposing ‘London strings’ on a 'Scottish matter' by holding the referendum on Scotland’s independence in seventeen minutes time in the basement of a cheese shop near the House of Commons

The First Minister, speaking from the steps of Parliment told us:“We in Hollyrood acknowledge that in order to hold this vote, we must have the consent and participation of the Westminster government but never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that Mr Cameron would force such a contentious and binding referendum forward to sixteen minutes from now. Sorry, what’s that? Fifteen?! Good God, what’s the address of that cheese shop? He said it was closed at odd hours because the owner’s Dad has taken ill. We’d better get a taxi or something”

Many see Mr Cameron’s gambit as a way to quash the possibility of an Independent Scotland by forcing the vote within twenty minutes; a timeframe that makes it difficult to raise awareness for the impending vote, send out pamphlets for either side of the issue or organize ballots

Alex Salmond had made it clear that he wished to hold the referendum in 2014, to coincide with the battle of Banockburn (the site of one Scotland’s few and fleeting military victories) and the country’s hosting of the Commonwealth games (which will likely be more representative of Scotland’s preference for losing at things).

However, Prime Minister Cameron’s surprise move to hold it in what is now fifteen minute’s time has considerably shortened the SNP’s ability to mount a persuasive case for splitting politically from England, and to rally the country’s voters around the topic.

Speaking from a pavillion from which he could watch Scotland’s First Minister try to hail a cab while tapping a postcode into his phone David Cameron took a moment to stop cackling and told us: “The debate around this issue has gone on long enough. Mr. Salmond ran on the issue and touted the fact that Tories are as common north of Hadrian’s wall as entirely sunny days or people with healthy cardiovascular systems”

“The debate has been hovering around for too long now and can be brought up every time our two countries fundamentally disagree on something- like which political party should be entirely in power- so i want to get this over and done with as soon as possible. It’s not about forcing the issue, it’s about setting a binding time period. Eleven minutes.”

If the vote does pass within the hour then it will politically and legally separate Scotland who have been united for close to three hundred years

However MSP Nicola Sturgeon has argued that the historic split will legitamise many of the day-to-day practices in Scottish life that separate them from their neighbours to the south “such as hating Tories, having different faces on our money and stocking irn bru at our McDonald’s” says Sturgeon.

“I’m sick of these sasenachs peering at pictures of Alexander Graham Bell or Charles Rennie Mackintosh while questioning how I spell ‘bru’. Independence!”

The vote, which will be held in nine minutes is expected to stir up a lot of controversy and delightful nationalism however the result goes.

FP