Boston Dynamics Closer to Synthesizing First Robotic Glaswegian

Robotics giants Boston Dynamics have today unveiled their recent breakthroughs in their attempts to copy the shambling but tenacious walking and blind aggressive brick throwing behaviors of the Glaswegian in their newest robot- BigMalky.

Their automaton, which was previously capable of roughly aping human walking (though more slowly and in a zig zagging pattern towards the offie) has now been fitted with an arm capable of roughly hurling cinderblocks at the polis.

The artificial weegie is being called ‘Big Malky 4.6’ by the designers and is being considered for real life tests in Old Firm matches as early as August this year, where its new hydraulic arm will be put into effect throwing half full cans of special brew at Rangers fans.

Lead designer Robert C Nesbitt told us: “Our initial intention was to copy the locomotion of an ordinary human, but the challenges that this represented are- quite simply- too great for engineering right now. We had to take it down a step. That’s when we happened upon video of a native of glasgow encountering the same locomotive problems that we were facing. Problems maintaining balance, direction and consistent speed. That’s when the idea for Malky hit us like a bottle of buckfast to the brain”

The robot is funded by DARPA and is intended to carry large quantities of troop munitions and tins of Export over long distances. However it has long been thought that arming the machine with guns or ballistic missiles was a possibility. However, in keeping with its heritage the team decided to eschew a firearm and instead make Malky lob pieces of masonry with hideous force in a drunken stumble.

The video released by the company has showed the power and rough aim of the new arm (which will later be adorned with a poorly spelled tattoo) which can accurately fling bricks accurately at any nearby closed pub, giro centre or English person, while almost staying upright and within two meters of its starting position.

Nesbitt explained: "We took our lead watching an old guy from around Easterhouse fling a traffic cone full of sick at a schoolbus. If you watch a side by side comparison it's pretty much dead on"

However many have criticized the robot for its slow pace of walking, its enormous energy consumption and its rabid hatred of anyone born south of Dumfries.  However Nesbitt has been vocal in its defense, saying : "It’s still a great achievement. The robot is still very hard to knock over, can keep its balance on ice, uphill, or when pushed by as many as three young ‘neds’"

Boston Dynamics are currently promising to unveil Malky just in time for the referendum of scottish independence when at least five units will be stationed outside of polling places, swaying slightly and brandishing their newest innovation: an old stanley knife on a stick

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Rangers FC Bought by Catholic Church

The financial problems of prominent Scottish football team Rangers Football club may have found a solution from an unlikely source today, as the Vatican has bought up the ailing team, its grounds and the majority of their stocks.

The move has brought criticism from the Rangers fan base as the purchase has cast doubt on the future of sectarian violence that the club was always been celebrated for.

Long time Rangers fan 'Wee' Malky Toal told us, “I hate those fenian bastards and their Mick church and, frankly, kicking the teeth down the throat of some papist in green round at Ibrox is the best part of my week. What does that mean for my pastime? I might have to start actually following the matches.”

Many are blaming the anti-sectarian measures introduced earlier this year for decreasing the revenue to the Glasgow based team, leading to their having to go into administration: the move that allowed Pope Ratzinger to affect his hostile takeover.

Football pundits claim that the income generated by the ticket holders who, historically, had no interest in watching the sport since they were too busy finding offensive ways to chant about the Catholic faith and throw broken bottles at other lagered-up 'enthusiasts' was the only thing keeping the team afloat in the recession.

Senior economist Ted Peltham, who was overseeing the deal said yesterday: “I don't see what the big deal is. It's just business and besides; they're both just christianity, right?”. However Mr Peltham was hospitalized hours later after being pelted with bricks and irn bru cans.

However the catholic church has assured the blues that they would not be changing anything about the club's running, other than printing a large picture of the current pontiff's beaming face on every uniform above the caption, 'I win'.

In the wake of the announcement, many Rangers fans have been seen attempting to beat themselves up and confusedly hurling abuse into mirrors before smashing them in behaviour that sociologists are likening to 'a dog chasing its tail, then beating the shit out of it in a pub car park'

The effects of the purchase are predicted to have wider effects on Glasgow. Sociologists are warning that the conversion of the Protestant team may cause the closure of three hospitals, while it is thought that the city will be thrown into confusion as pubs that would usually have functioned as a grave if you were seen wearing anything even vaguely green become available to anyone.

Many are welcoming the news that they will be able to walk on streets on Saturdays without fear of becoming embroiled in a holy war waged with traffic cones and stanley knives.

The office of national statistics has tentatively raised the predicted average age of Glasgow citizens to 32.

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