Rangers FC Bought by Catholic Church

The financial problems of prominent Scottish football team Rangers Football club may have found a solution from an unlikely source today, as the Vatican has bought up the ailing team, its grounds and the majority of their stocks.

The move has brought criticism from the Rangers fan base as the purchase has cast doubt on the future of sectarian violence that the club was always been celebrated for.

Long time Rangers fan 'Wee' Malky Toal told us, “I hate those fenian bastards and their Mick church and, frankly, kicking the teeth down the throat of some papist in green round at Ibrox is the best part of my week. What does that mean for my pastime? I might have to start actually following the matches.”

Many are blaming the anti-sectarian measures introduced earlier this year for decreasing the revenue to the Glasgow based team, leading to their having to go into administration: the move that allowed Pope Ratzinger to affect his hostile takeover.

Football pundits claim that the income generated by the ticket holders who, historically, had no interest in watching the sport since they were too busy finding offensive ways to chant about the Catholic faith and throw broken bottles at other lagered-up 'enthusiasts' was the only thing keeping the team afloat in the recession.

Senior economist Ted Peltham, who was overseeing the deal said yesterday: “I don't see what the big deal is. It's just business and besides; they're both just christianity, right?”. However Mr Peltham was hospitalized hours later after being pelted with bricks and irn bru cans.

However the catholic church has assured the blues that they would not be changing anything about the club's running, other than printing a large picture of the current pontiff's beaming face on every uniform above the caption, 'I win'.

In the wake of the announcement, many Rangers fans have been seen attempting to beat themselves up and confusedly hurling abuse into mirrors before smashing them in behaviour that sociologists are likening to 'a dog chasing its tail, then beating the shit out of it in a pub car park'

The effects of the purchase are predicted to have wider effects on Glasgow. Sociologists are warning that the conversion of the Protestant team may cause the closure of three hospitals, while it is thought that the city will be thrown into confusion as pubs that would usually have functioned as a grave if you were seen wearing anything even vaguely green become available to anyone.

Many are welcoming the news that they will be able to walk on streets on Saturdays without fear of becoming embroiled in a holy war waged with traffic cones and stanley knives.

The office of national statistics has tentatively raised the predicted average age of Glasgow citizens to 32.

MM