Rangers FC Bought by Catholic Church

The financial problems of prominent Scottish football team Rangers Football club may have found a solution from an unlikely source today, as the Vatican has bought up the ailing team, its grounds and the majority of their stocks.

The move has brought criticism from the Rangers fan base as the purchase has cast doubt on the future of sectarian violence that the club was always been celebrated for.

Long time Rangers fan 'Wee' Malky Toal told us, “I hate those fenian bastards and their Mick church and, frankly, kicking the teeth down the throat of some papist in green round at Ibrox is the best part of my week. What does that mean for my pastime? I might have to start actually following the matches.”

Many are blaming the anti-sectarian measures introduced earlier this year for decreasing the revenue to the Glasgow based team, leading to their having to go into administration: the move that allowed Pope Ratzinger to affect his hostile takeover.

Football pundits claim that the income generated by the ticket holders who, historically, had no interest in watching the sport since they were too busy finding offensive ways to chant about the Catholic faith and throw broken bottles at other lagered-up 'enthusiasts' was the only thing keeping the team afloat in the recession.

Senior economist Ted Peltham, who was overseeing the deal said yesterday: “I don't see what the big deal is. It's just business and besides; they're both just christianity, right?”. However Mr Peltham was hospitalized hours later after being pelted with bricks and irn bru cans.

However the catholic church has assured the blues that they would not be changing anything about the club's running, other than printing a large picture of the current pontiff's beaming face on every uniform above the caption, 'I win'.

In the wake of the announcement, many Rangers fans have been seen attempting to beat themselves up and confusedly hurling abuse into mirrors before smashing them in behaviour that sociologists are likening to 'a dog chasing its tail, then beating the shit out of it in a pub car park'

The effects of the purchase are predicted to have wider effects on Glasgow. Sociologists are warning that the conversion of the Protestant team may cause the closure of three hospitals, while it is thought that the city will be thrown into confusion as pubs that would usually have functioned as a grave if you were seen wearing anything even vaguely green become available to anyone.

Many are welcoming the news that they will be able to walk on streets on Saturdays without fear of becoming embroiled in a holy war waged with traffic cones and stanley knives.

The office of national statistics has tentatively raised the predicted average age of Glasgow citizens to 32.

MM

First Mixed Embryo Monkey Born, Lynched by Supremacist Chimps

In a scientific breakthrough American scientists have been able to combine cells from six different monkeys, implant them into a female and sire three living healthy rhesus monkeys.

However this breakthrough was sullied yesterday when a group of radical chimpanzee supremacists broke into the lab and beat the ‘chimeras’ to death with tyre irons.

The three rhesus monkeys, named Chimero, Roku and Hex, were said to be normal, healthy specimens that were said to be proof of a new era of genetic science before they were bludgeoned by the dissident racist group. The gang is said to have broken into the lab late last night and dispatched all three in what police are calling a ‘brutal simian hate-crime’

The scientific team had been working in the controversial field of stem cell research to try to recreate and fuse matter. However problems withe the ‘pluripotency’ stage of cell development impeded their progress. The researchers were only able to make monkey chimeras when they mixed cells from very early stage embryos, in which each individual embryonic cell was "totipotent".

Throughout the process they had been accused vocally of ‘playing god’ and ‘muddying our pure blood’ by outspoken chimp and baboon hate-groups.

Today the researchers recounted how they had received countless ‘hateful’ messages pertaining to racial purity scrawled on bananas skins that would be either mailed to them, thrown through laboratory windows or left on stairs in the hope of tripping up one of the researchers. Despite this abuse, the team continued with their work

The work, which was to unlock new ways of understanding the development of human embryos was irrevocably damaged last night when security footage captured the gang of chimpanzees break into the premises on their motorbikes and hunt down each ‘chimera’ in turn, while screeching insults and flinging their fecal matter at the walls

“This is an outrageous crime, that speaks only to the primitive hatred of these gangs,” said head researcher David Helitop: “ Not only is this a massive blow to our future understanding of early embryonic development, it is another example of the odious fear and ignorance that informs racism in the chimpanzee community. We must endeavour to rebuild, move on and guard against these kinds of attacks in future.”

The upsetting security footage, available online, shows the gang raiding the laboratory, searching through lockers, damage sensitive instruments,briefly taking a break to drink tea in bowler hats and finally track down the incubator in which the three important chimera were being held.

The attack that followed the discovery has been censored for its graphic violence and the racist language involved

Local police have said that they are on high alert and are actively searching for the culprits, though they have expressed some doubt over catching the perpetrators who could, by now have blended into a zoo, a PG Tips commercial or have climbed up a very tall tree.


FP