Panicked, Near Feral Catholics Finally Receive Guidance

The worldwide chaos and confusion brought on by the resignation of Pope Benedict has today been resolved with the appointment of a new head of the church.

Many Catholics around the world, without the guidance of a titular head have been seen engaging in strange, dangerous and un-Catholic behaviours as the Pope-void has left millions uncertain of what to do from one second to the next. As a direct result, murder statistics, ox worship, idolatry, bumming and ‘general evil’ have all increased exponentially in the last week.

Senior British clergy have reacted with alarm in the past few weeks to the spectacle of their followers leaving blood sacrifices, giving offerings of livestock or simply mashing their faces against a crucifix while making low moaning noises

Many have turned to guidance in the familiar catholic iconography found in DVD boxsets of Father Ted while other rudderless Catholics have chosen to make their own idols to worship out of mud and hay and bits of horse.

Without anyone occupying the role of Pope statistics have shown that 12% of the church have defected to Protestantism  8% have taken up voodoo, 7.5% have regressed to worship the wrathful Zeus and a worrying 6% have banded together to form a new religion based around the worship of fire, the imbibing of menstrual blood and a confusing morass of images centring on the veteran character actor Albert Finney. The Finneyans have taken over a small Scottish island and have been filmed constructing an enormous, hollow jackal out of wicker.

It is unknown how they will react to the reinstitution of regular Popery

Senior Church spokesman Cardinal Ferrero Roche told us: “This madness really stresses the importance of the role of Pope in today’s world. Cynics like to say that the church has no real impact on the day to day lives of believers but look at the last few weeks. Lorries overturned in the streets, waves of rampant buggery, fires engulfing our cities, rivers of blood, children howling from the gutters, teenagers taking up abortion as a hobby, babies being cured of AIDS."

“It’s all backwards. These are all signs of a distinct Pope-lack. But we-I mean God- finally chose a new one, so we have stability again, finally”

The new Pope, who was previously known as Cardinal Jorge ‘The Body’ Bergoglio of Beunos Aires, has assured the church that regular Catholic services have been resumed and that the regular flow of moral guidance stemming from ancient texts is as normal. The speech has ended the dervish of secular chaos sweeping the globe.

However Pope Francis has already come under fire from the newly calmed Catholics for his murky non-nazi past as well as his stated intentions to crack down on the established church traditions of child rape and poking holes in the condoms of AIDs carrying african males with a hot needle.

However, despite this controversy, the new Pope has said that he will try his best to Pope the church into a state of relevance for modern catholics, through a series of balcony speeches and events where he waves at people from inside a perspex cube.

When approached for a statement, God told us that he was ‘well chuffed’ with the new man and looks forward to working with him in the days before the Rapture.

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Rangers FC Bought by Catholic Church

The financial problems of prominent Scottish football team Rangers Football club may have found a solution from an unlikely source today, as the Vatican has bought up the ailing team, its grounds and the majority of their stocks.

The move has brought criticism from the Rangers fan base as the purchase has cast doubt on the future of sectarian violence that the club was always been celebrated for.

Long time Rangers fan 'Wee' Malky Toal told us, “I hate those fenian bastards and their Mick church and, frankly, kicking the teeth down the throat of some papist in green round at Ibrox is the best part of my week. What does that mean for my pastime? I might have to start actually following the matches.”

Many are blaming the anti-sectarian measures introduced earlier this year for decreasing the revenue to the Glasgow based team, leading to their having to go into administration: the move that allowed Pope Ratzinger to affect his hostile takeover.

Football pundits claim that the income generated by the ticket holders who, historically, had no interest in watching the sport since they were too busy finding offensive ways to chant about the Catholic faith and throw broken bottles at other lagered-up 'enthusiasts' was the only thing keeping the team afloat in the recession.

Senior economist Ted Peltham, who was overseeing the deal said yesterday: “I don't see what the big deal is. It's just business and besides; they're both just christianity, right?”. However Mr Peltham was hospitalized hours later after being pelted with bricks and irn bru cans.

However the catholic church has assured the blues that they would not be changing anything about the club's running, other than printing a large picture of the current pontiff's beaming face on every uniform above the caption, 'I win'.

In the wake of the announcement, many Rangers fans have been seen attempting to beat themselves up and confusedly hurling abuse into mirrors before smashing them in behaviour that sociologists are likening to 'a dog chasing its tail, then beating the shit out of it in a pub car park'

The effects of the purchase are predicted to have wider effects on Glasgow. Sociologists are warning that the conversion of the Protestant team may cause the closure of three hospitals, while it is thought that the city will be thrown into confusion as pubs that would usually have functioned as a grave if you were seen wearing anything even vaguely green become available to anyone.

Many are welcoming the news that they will be able to walk on streets on Saturdays without fear of becoming embroiled in a holy war waged with traffic cones and stanley knives.

The office of national statistics has tentatively raised the predicted average age of Glasgow citizens to 32.

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