Rangers FC Bought by Catholic Church

The financial problems of prominent Scottish football team Rangers Football club may have found a solution from an unlikely source today, as the Vatican has bought up the ailing team, its grounds and the majority of their stocks.

The move has brought criticism from the Rangers fan base as the purchase has cast doubt on the future of sectarian violence that the club was always been celebrated for.

Long time Rangers fan 'Wee' Malky Toal told us, “I hate those fenian bastards and their Mick church and, frankly, kicking the teeth down the throat of some papist in green round at Ibrox is the best part of my week. What does that mean for my pastime? I might have to start actually following the matches.”

Many are blaming the anti-sectarian measures introduced earlier this year for decreasing the revenue to the Glasgow based team, leading to their having to go into administration: the move that allowed Pope Ratzinger to affect his hostile takeover.

Football pundits claim that the income generated by the ticket holders who, historically, had no interest in watching the sport since they were too busy finding offensive ways to chant about the Catholic faith and throw broken bottles at other lagered-up 'enthusiasts' was the only thing keeping the team afloat in the recession.

Senior economist Ted Peltham, who was overseeing the deal said yesterday: “I don't see what the big deal is. It's just business and besides; they're both just christianity, right?”. However Mr Peltham was hospitalized hours later after being pelted with bricks and irn bru cans.

However the catholic church has assured the blues that they would not be changing anything about the club's running, other than printing a large picture of the current pontiff's beaming face on every uniform above the caption, 'I win'.

In the wake of the announcement, many Rangers fans have been seen attempting to beat themselves up and confusedly hurling abuse into mirrors before smashing them in behaviour that sociologists are likening to 'a dog chasing its tail, then beating the shit out of it in a pub car park'

The effects of the purchase are predicted to have wider effects on Glasgow. Sociologists are warning that the conversion of the Protestant team may cause the closure of three hospitals, while it is thought that the city will be thrown into confusion as pubs that would usually have functioned as a grave if you were seen wearing anything even vaguely green become available to anyone.

Many are welcoming the news that they will be able to walk on streets on Saturdays without fear of becoming embroiled in a holy war waged with traffic cones and stanley knives.

The office of national statistics has tentatively raised the predicted average age of Glasgow citizens to 32.

MM

England Football Captain Accused of Indecorous Behaviours

England striker and captain John Terry has been accused of engaging in behaviours not consistent with the high moral and ethical standing expected of all British footballers, it has been claimed.

Terry has been accused of using racist language against fellow soccer star Anton Ferdinand but the 31 year old Chelsea player has denied the charge that he or any other professional footballer could be found to be vulgar, crass or in any way uncouth.

Football supporters have been shocked by these accusations. Tristram DeQuincy, an Old Trafford regular was incredulous of these allegations, saying: “I have been a keen sports supporter all of my adult life and in my time observing the Beautiful Game I have never had cause to suspect any player or supporter of using foul or inflammatory language. Upon my soul, the very thought of uncouth words being utterred in the hallowed sporting grounds set my blood all a-boil.”

“Certainly we are not above lending vocal support to whomsoever has our backing this season, but those modest shouts are gentlemanly and appropriate. If I were to hear the fellow next to me disparage another group- be they team, race, religion, creed or class- i fear my port would have to be discarded because my monocle would have departed my eyesocket in shock and have been deposited in my libation. To think of such atavistic carry-on coming from our proud lads-our lions, our country’s champions- I’m afraid I may swoon.”

Police questioned the Chelsea captain under caution in November and a file on the matter was sent to the CPS at the beginning of December, but through this Chelsea FC and its players have stood behind Terry, defending his honour despite the slurs of indiscretion.

Fellow soccer player Jon ‘Razor’ Rompton has spoken out in defence of his captain, saying: “John’s a proper gent, a prince among men. I can’t believe anyone would have anything bad to say about him. He’s the kind of geezer that when you’re spit roasting some slag with him after a night out, he’ll always offer to let you be the one to finish on her tits, he’ll even volunteer to film it on his phone and then he’ll take it on himself to be the one to tell her to fuck off and call us a taxi once we’re through with her. That can be really iffy, but the man’s a born leader.”

“He’s a great man. When we’re at a club or down the boozer, he’ll always pay for his round and he’ll only take his share of the cocaine. On a night out he’s a real gash-hound. He’ll admit it himself, he’s always after a bit of clunge, but no matter how many strippers he shags he always goes back to his fiance and I think that says a lot about his character. You can’t say that about a lot of footballers. When we’re out dogging, he’s always very careful and discreet, and if you’re hushing up some whore you beat up he’s always willing to chip in; the man’s a saint”

“If anything, he should get payed more than £150000 a week just for being a top bloke. And I refuse to believe he could utter an unkind word”

Despite these character references the investigation into the racially aggravated public order offence is ongoing