Rangers FC Bought by Catholic Church

The financial problems of prominent Scottish football team Rangers Football club may have found a solution from an unlikely source today, as the Vatican has bought up the ailing team, its grounds and the majority of their stocks.

The move has brought criticism from the Rangers fan base as the purchase has cast doubt on the future of sectarian violence that the club was always been celebrated for.

Long time Rangers fan 'Wee' Malky Toal told us, “I hate those fenian bastards and their Mick church and, frankly, kicking the teeth down the throat of some papist in green round at Ibrox is the best part of my week. What does that mean for my pastime? I might have to start actually following the matches.”

Many are blaming the anti-sectarian measures introduced earlier this year for decreasing the revenue to the Glasgow based team, leading to their having to go into administration: the move that allowed Pope Ratzinger to affect his hostile takeover.

Football pundits claim that the income generated by the ticket holders who, historically, had no interest in watching the sport since they were too busy finding offensive ways to chant about the Catholic faith and throw broken bottles at other lagered-up 'enthusiasts' was the only thing keeping the team afloat in the recession.

Senior economist Ted Peltham, who was overseeing the deal said yesterday: “I don't see what the big deal is. It's just business and besides; they're both just christianity, right?”. However Mr Peltham was hospitalized hours later after being pelted with bricks and irn bru cans.

However the catholic church has assured the blues that they would not be changing anything about the club's running, other than printing a large picture of the current pontiff's beaming face on every uniform above the caption, 'I win'.

In the wake of the announcement, many Rangers fans have been seen attempting to beat themselves up and confusedly hurling abuse into mirrors before smashing them in behaviour that sociologists are likening to 'a dog chasing its tail, then beating the shit out of it in a pub car park'

The effects of the purchase are predicted to have wider effects on Glasgow. Sociologists are warning that the conversion of the Protestant team may cause the closure of three hospitals, while it is thought that the city will be thrown into confusion as pubs that would usually have functioned as a grave if you were seen wearing anything even vaguely green become available to anyone.

Many are welcoming the news that they will be able to walk on streets on Saturdays without fear of becoming embroiled in a holy war waged with traffic cones and stanley knives.

The office of national statistics has tentatively raised the predicted average age of Glasgow citizens to 32.

MM

“I Get To Keep All The Money, Right?”: Fred Goodwin has Knighthood Revoked

Fred ‘The Shred’ Goodwin, the chief executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland whose financial mismanagement required a £45 BILLION bailout from the taxpayer has had his knighthood revoked by the Queen earlier today in a move that many are describing as a ‘savage blow’ to the multimillionaire who collects classic cars in his spare time.

Sources close to the banker say that he is devastated by the news and is attempting to console himself by relaxing in the swimming pool of his enormous house which is made of gold and shattered dreams. Though these sources have yet to state which of his many, many houses and villas Goodwin may be recovering in.

The Royal Forfeiture Committee decided several days ago that since RBS’s collapse helped trigger the biggest recession since the second world war and as such they demanded the most thorough punishment they could manage: taking away a medal and making it so that people are not obliged to call him sir.

Lord Hafferblapp of the Forfeiture council told us, “He may be able to afford a palace made of emeralds, he may be able to employ people who were sacked during the recession as footstools, coffee tables and ashtrays and, yes, he may indeed have started construction of a castle in the sky. BUT. He has to send us back his ribbon now and when people see his wife, they can just call her MRS Goodwin. Ha!”

“It’s the worst possible thing that can be done to him, I’m sure.”

Goodwin, who is drawing a pension of an estimated £703,000 per year, will now have to send back the box which contains his medal and ribbon to the Royal premises and then try to carry on living, if you can even call it that any more.

When approached for comment, Goodwin asked us incredulously, “I still keep all that money, though, right? It’s all still mine. All the money that belongs to me and is still given to me? I mean, I don’t count it because there’s simply too much but all of it is still in my possession, right?”

“And nobody is putting me in prison, right? There’s still no way to do that? No, of course not. Well, now that we’ve cleared that up, yes, I do feel absolutely terrible about all this. My trip to Hawaii tomorrow will be tinged with such sadness.”

Mr Goodwin then threw wads of money at a passerby until they bowed to him and called him ‘your royal majesty’

Goodwin was later sighted leaving a trophy shop, decked in medals and holding several trophies that he had had commissioned. Witnesses claim that Goodwin had seemed in ‘remarkably good spirits, considering what had happened to him’.

The move to have this terrible fate visited upon Goodwin is thought to have come from a cross-party alliance of MPs who were keen to see the RBS boss punished for his part in the recession and also were keen to underline the absolute fact that no politician had a hand in the economic downfall nor could they have possibly done anything to avoid it.


MM