Panicked, Near Feral Catholics Finally Receive Guidance

The worldwide chaos and confusion brought on by the resignation of Pope Benedict has today been resolved with the appointment of a new head of the church.

Many Catholics around the world, without the guidance of a titular head have been seen engaging in strange, dangerous and un-Catholic behaviours as the Pope-void has left millions uncertain of what to do from one second to the next. As a direct result, murder statistics, ox worship, idolatry, bumming and ‘general evil’ have all increased exponentially in the last week.

Senior British clergy have reacted with alarm in the past few weeks to the spectacle of their followers leaving blood sacrifices, giving offerings of livestock or simply mashing their faces against a crucifix while making low moaning noises

Many have turned to guidance in the familiar catholic iconography found in DVD boxsets of Father Ted while other rudderless Catholics have chosen to make their own idols to worship out of mud and hay and bits of horse.

Without anyone occupying the role of Pope statistics have shown that 12% of the church have defected to Protestantism  8% have taken up voodoo, 7.5% have regressed to worship the wrathful Zeus and a worrying 6% have banded together to form a new religion based around the worship of fire, the imbibing of menstrual blood and a confusing morass of images centring on the veteran character actor Albert Finney. The Finneyans have taken over a small Scottish island and have been filmed constructing an enormous, hollow jackal out of wicker.

It is unknown how they will react to the reinstitution of regular Popery

Senior Church spokesman Cardinal Ferrero Roche told us: “This madness really stresses the importance of the role of Pope in today’s world. Cynics like to say that the church has no real impact on the day to day lives of believers but look at the last few weeks. Lorries overturned in the streets, waves of rampant buggery, fires engulfing our cities, rivers of blood, children howling from the gutters, teenagers taking up abortion as a hobby, babies being cured of AIDS."

“It’s all backwards. These are all signs of a distinct Pope-lack. But we-I mean God- finally chose a new one, so we have stability again, finally”

The new Pope, who was previously known as Cardinal Jorge ‘The Body’ Bergoglio of Beunos Aires, has assured the church that regular Catholic services have been resumed and that the regular flow of moral guidance stemming from ancient texts is as normal. The speech has ended the dervish of secular chaos sweeping the globe.

However Pope Francis has already come under fire from the newly calmed Catholics for his murky non-nazi past as well as his stated intentions to crack down on the established church traditions of child rape and poking holes in the condoms of AIDs carrying african males with a hot needle.

However, despite this controversy, the new Pope has said that he will try his best to Pope the church into a state of relevance for modern catholics, through a series of balcony speeches and events where he waves at people from inside a perspex cube.

When approached for a statement, God told us that he was ‘well chuffed’ with the new man and looks forward to working with him in the days before the Rapture.

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Rangers FC Bought by Catholic Church

The financial problems of prominent Scottish football team Rangers Football club may have found a solution from an unlikely source today, as the Vatican has bought up the ailing team, its grounds and the majority of their stocks.

The move has brought criticism from the Rangers fan base as the purchase has cast doubt on the future of sectarian violence that the club was always been celebrated for.

Long time Rangers fan 'Wee' Malky Toal told us, “I hate those fenian bastards and their Mick church and, frankly, kicking the teeth down the throat of some papist in green round at Ibrox is the best part of my week. What does that mean for my pastime? I might have to start actually following the matches.”

Many are blaming the anti-sectarian measures introduced earlier this year for decreasing the revenue to the Glasgow based team, leading to their having to go into administration: the move that allowed Pope Ratzinger to affect his hostile takeover.

Football pundits claim that the income generated by the ticket holders who, historically, had no interest in watching the sport since they were too busy finding offensive ways to chant about the Catholic faith and throw broken bottles at other lagered-up 'enthusiasts' was the only thing keeping the team afloat in the recession.

Senior economist Ted Peltham, who was overseeing the deal said yesterday: “I don't see what the big deal is. It's just business and besides; they're both just christianity, right?”. However Mr Peltham was hospitalized hours later after being pelted with bricks and irn bru cans.

However the catholic church has assured the blues that they would not be changing anything about the club's running, other than printing a large picture of the current pontiff's beaming face on every uniform above the caption, 'I win'.

In the wake of the announcement, many Rangers fans have been seen attempting to beat themselves up and confusedly hurling abuse into mirrors before smashing them in behaviour that sociologists are likening to 'a dog chasing its tail, then beating the shit out of it in a pub car park'

The effects of the purchase are predicted to have wider effects on Glasgow. Sociologists are warning that the conversion of the Protestant team may cause the closure of three hospitals, while it is thought that the city will be thrown into confusion as pubs that would usually have functioned as a grave if you were seen wearing anything even vaguely green become available to anyone.

Many are welcoming the news that they will be able to walk on streets on Saturdays without fear of becoming embroiled in a holy war waged with traffic cones and stanley knives.

The office of national statistics has tentatively raised the predicted average age of Glasgow citizens to 32.

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New Autism Treatment Found in Exorcism

A radical new treatment for autism has been found this week in Romania when a mother had her son, who had been diagnosed with Asberger’s syndrome, successfully exorcised by a local Catholic priest.

The news has shocked the medical world and the boy, Petrov Vulvakoch, has become a worldwide sensation being toured around hospitals and chat shows to show off the amazing recovery he has made since the ancient demon Kroknaz - Lord of Pandemoneum and impairer of neurological development was dispelled from his body.

Kroknaz, Lord of impeded social development

Speaking through an interpreter to the National Autism Association Petrov described the ordeal: “I knew he was in me. I felt his presence always. He would whisper in my ear; terrible things, horrible images. I could only keep him at bay by eating the same meal every night and always eating the components in alphabetical order. When the pattern was broken he would stir inside of me, like a ball of serpents in a tumble drier.”

“I found other tactics. the daemon would sleep if I simply watched all of my Babylon 5 tapes over and over again, memorizing every detail of the show and its events. I could silence the chatterring spirit by recounting the history of the Minbari people or the events of the Shadow war. Then the priest came and tore it out of me. i am free at last to run and play and dress myself in any order and watch other sci fi programs. Praise be to Jesus!”

The exorcist has has described the ritual he performed, which is being replicated with similar success over the globe, wherein after a ten hour struggle with the spirit he finally invoked the name of the Lord powerfully enough to unbind the demon from the boy’s metabotropic glutamate receptors, allowing the child’s mirror neuron system to truly flourish for the first time. “He left through my mouth in a swarm of flies. All of the mirrors shattered, the doors slammed and the beast finally left the boy.”

In light of this news thousands of priests are being dispatched from the vatican in an attempt to liberate autism sufferers from around the globe, claiming that over 7 thousand souls have been emancipated from the hellish visitation of autism so far. The Pope has advised that the application of leeches and the proximity of crucifixes can suppress symptoms while families wait for the visit of an exorcist.

Modern Autism treatment

Demonologist Charles Wandersnatch described the autism-causing spirit; “In the rank of demons Kroknaz is a mid-range presence. He was reputedly one of the angels dispelled from Heaven during Satan’s revolt but he is seldom mentioned in many of the orthodox texts. This is in part due to the more traditionally frightening daemons like baal, but also partly because Kroknaz’s propensity for absolute symmetry, avoiding eye contact and keeping a strict and unbreakable routine were never the most threatening or eye catching.”

“He is described in the Necronomicon as a many limbed being with the head of a beast and the tongue of a serpent. It is thought that he uses his many limbs to more effectively stack things very neatly and also to flap about when he gets excited or when any of the other archdukes of hell engage him in conversation, during which he is very awkward.

Leading autism researcher Dr. Donald Lyall has come forward to offer a sincere apology on behalf of the scientific community: “I was faffing about with chromosone abnormalities for ages. I just never thought to consult a compendium of demonology. I tell you, I feel like a right tit. And I’m out of a job. Shite.”

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent

Pope Urges Africans to Reject Voodoo Because Catholicism is so Much More Sensible

Pope Benedict’s tour of Africa drew to a close today with an open air mass in the home of Voodoo, Benin. In his address to the African people Pope Benedict appealed to Benin to reject the ‘farcical’ religion of voodoo and come to the Catholic faith where they believe in the teachings of a reanimated carpenter who lives on through bread that turns into human flesh in your mouth.

Addressing Friendship Stadium at the end of the three-day tour, the 84 year old pontiff castigated practitioners of voodoo for following such an outdated religion that can boast no factual evidence for belief in its doctrines. He said that he was not there to attack other religions but merely to draw new converts to the “fresh and relevant” Catholic religion that knows how the universe began and what happens after death as opposed to Voodoo which is “hokey, snake worshiping claptrap”.

Pope Benecict: “Trust me- Voodoo’s a bag of old pish”

The Pope was also scabrous in discussing the treatment of animals in voodoo, since it is well known that many ceremonies incorporate animal sacrifices. The pontiff referred his audience to the Catholic Church’s spotless record for cruelty to any living thing and also mentioned that according to his faith he was technically infallible, so they might as well just accept it, “It’s like a law.”

Claims of reanimation rituals- voodoo is said to have been the origin of the concept of zombies- also drew criticism from the living embodiment of God. “This is an impossible thing; to come back from the dead. Except if you are Jesus and maybe that other time with Lazarus, but Jesus was behind that one really. In essence you’ve got to be Jesus to do magic, not just some guy with a bunch of snakes and gold medallions and songs. There are rules to this stuff.”

“If voodoo is the true religion then why does it have no gold palaces?” Asked Pope Benedict XVI to the masses, “Where is your spiritual leader, and how tall is his hat? Does he travel in a bulletproof box? Come on, this is basic. If you’re just looking for something a bit mad let me explain transubstantiation to you. All I’m saying is give it a try. Unless you’re a queer.”

The Pope’s words are thought to carry a lot of weight in Africa, where the doctrines of the Catholic church- in particular their campaign against condoms as a means of birth control have alerted Africans to the ways in which prophylactics are alleged to spread HIV and do little to avoid unwanted pregnancy. As a result of this campaign many Catholic Africans have rejected traditional medical advice meaning that they will absolutely be fine and will live forever. In heaven.

Some voodoo practitioners, following the Pope’s visit took issue with his depiction of their faith. Chietwell Ungabbe told us,“It’s not all sticking pins in dolls, that’s just movie nonsense. Our religion is an all-encompassing way of life.” When asked if she was concerned about the state of her religion following the address she responded, “We’ll just have to wait and see. We can’t stop anyone leaving. Maybe there are people that want to go to the religion with all the abstinence and original sin. Or maybe they’ll stick with the one with zombies, dancing and snake deities.”

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent