Rift in British National Party Leadership Blamed on ‘Muslims and Benders”

Beloved British political institution the BNP is suffering a crisis of leadership, it has been reported. The  political and ideological battle between leader Nick Griffin and Andrew Brons, which has led to the recent departure of two of the party’s MEPs has- in an official statement from the party- been identified as the direct result of the influence of ‘pakkies, darkies, benders, nig-nogs, jim-jams,kikes and the popularity of Usain Bolt and/or Ainsley Harriott’

However several party insiders have indicated that the rift has its roots in Nick Griffin’s leadership which, many agree, is moving the party away from their core principles and policies; policies which include harsher immigration regulation, increased defence spending, setting mosques on fire, economic distance from Europe and the organisation of groups of skinheads to stab up minorities in alleyways in Birmingham.

The move away from the traditional BNP model of dim young men in doc martins hurling bottles at black people and into the more politically tenable image of eerie men in suits shrieking invective about Sharia law on the BBC is thought to be the source of party unrest.

“Nope. It’s darkies.” retorted Party representative Brian Colshut.

“Our leadership is strong, our belief in Nick Griffin and our fear of his one, roving eldritch eye (which sees all) is as untarnished as ever. It is unfortunate that some have chosen to leave the party but that is not symptomatic of a lack of confidence in our leader. All it does prove, once again, is the insidious influence of Nigerians, with their dark jungle magicks.”

He continued, “Those tricky negroes have been trying to bring our party down with voodoo and rap for years. Yet the Home Secretary still refuses to let my lads exterminate them with baseball bats. It’s political correctness gone mad But anyway. This is not about any internal political strife. No sirree. It’s about shifty Sikhs and bummers.”

Nick Griffin is regarded as a slick political player within the party, despite looking like someone tried to make a sculpture of Adrian Chiles out of old pork using only a dull chisel and hate, and this shift in leadership style has been a cause for concern amongst many racists.

BNP member Quentin Crusp told us, “We respect the work that Mr Griffin has done in bringing more legitimacy and power to our organisation. In 2008 we secured a 5.2 per cent vote in the London mayoral election and secured one seat in the London assembly. You have no idea how many Ugandans that let us intimidate . So we appreciate the work."

“But there are a lot of us who wish to return to our more traditional values. This is a complex political world and to stand out your message has to be simple. At core ours is: we firmly oppose black people not being chased off the cliffs of Dover. Surrounding this main tenet with lots of legislation about the EU is all very well but we need to return to what we believe- no minority in Britain should live entirely without fear of violent reprisal. Simple.”

Neither Andrew Brons nor Mr Griffin have issued any official statement but many are speculating on a split in the BNP, perhaps resulting in a new, more militant new party. A coalition of legal immigrants have called the news ‘just absolutely fucking fantastic’


MM

Pope Urges Africans to Reject Voodoo Because Catholicism is so Much More Sensible

Pope Benedict’s tour of Africa drew to a close today with an open air mass in the home of Voodoo, Benin. In his address to the African people Pope Benedict appealed to Benin to reject the ‘farcical’ religion of voodoo and come to the Catholic faith where they believe in the teachings of a reanimated carpenter who lives on through bread that turns into human flesh in your mouth.

Addressing Friendship Stadium at the end of the three-day tour, the 84 year old pontiff castigated practitioners of voodoo for following such an outdated religion that can boast no factual evidence for belief in its doctrines. He said that he was not there to attack other religions but merely to draw new converts to the “fresh and relevant” Catholic religion that knows how the universe began and what happens after death as opposed to Voodoo which is “hokey, snake worshiping claptrap”.

Pope Benecict: “Trust me- Voodoo’s a bag of old pish”

The Pope was also scabrous in discussing the treatment of animals in voodoo, since it is well known that many ceremonies incorporate animal sacrifices. The pontiff referred his audience to the Catholic Church’s spotless record for cruelty to any living thing and also mentioned that according to his faith he was technically infallible, so they might as well just accept it, “It’s like a law.”

Claims of reanimation rituals- voodoo is said to have been the origin of the concept of zombies- also drew criticism from the living embodiment of God. “This is an impossible thing; to come back from the dead. Except if you are Jesus and maybe that other time with Lazarus, but Jesus was behind that one really. In essence you’ve got to be Jesus to do magic, not just some guy with a bunch of snakes and gold medallions and songs. There are rules to this stuff.”

“If voodoo is the true religion then why does it have no gold palaces?” Asked Pope Benedict XVI to the masses, “Where is your spiritual leader, and how tall is his hat? Does he travel in a bulletproof box? Come on, this is basic. If you’re just looking for something a bit mad let me explain transubstantiation to you. All I’m saying is give it a try. Unless you’re a queer.”

The Pope’s words are thought to carry a lot of weight in Africa, where the doctrines of the Catholic church- in particular their campaign against condoms as a means of birth control have alerted Africans to the ways in which prophylactics are alleged to spread HIV and do little to avoid unwanted pregnancy. As a result of this campaign many Catholic Africans have rejected traditional medical advice meaning that they will absolutely be fine and will live forever. In heaven.

Some voodoo practitioners, following the Pope’s visit took issue with his depiction of their faith. Chietwell Ungabbe told us,“It’s not all sticking pins in dolls, that’s just movie nonsense. Our religion is an all-encompassing way of life.” When asked if she was concerned about the state of her religion following the address she responded, “We’ll just have to wait and see. We can’t stop anyone leaving. Maybe there are people that want to go to the religion with all the abstinence and original sin. Or maybe they’ll stick with the one with zombies, dancing and snake deities.”

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent