New Autism Treatment Found in Exorcism

A radical new treatment for autism has been found this week in Romania when a mother had her son, who had been diagnosed with Asberger’s syndrome, successfully exorcised by a local Catholic priest.

The news has shocked the medical world and the boy, Petrov Vulvakoch, has become a worldwide sensation being toured around hospitals and chat shows to show off the amazing recovery he has made since the ancient demon Kroknaz - Lord of Pandemoneum and impairer of neurological development was dispelled from his body.

Kroknaz, Lord of impeded social development

Speaking through an interpreter to the National Autism Association Petrov described the ordeal: “I knew he was in me. I felt his presence always. He would whisper in my ear; terrible things, horrible images. I could only keep him at bay by eating the same meal every night and always eating the components in alphabetical order. When the pattern was broken he would stir inside of me, like a ball of serpents in a tumble drier.”

“I found other tactics. the daemon would sleep if I simply watched all of my Babylon 5 tapes over and over again, memorizing every detail of the show and its events. I could silence the chatterring spirit by recounting the history of the Minbari people or the events of the Shadow war. Then the priest came and tore it out of me. i am free at last to run and play and dress myself in any order and watch other sci fi programs. Praise be to Jesus!”

The exorcist has has described the ritual he performed, which is being replicated with similar success over the globe, wherein after a ten hour struggle with the spirit he finally invoked the name of the Lord powerfully enough to unbind the demon from the boy’s metabotropic glutamate receptors, allowing the child’s mirror neuron system to truly flourish for the first time. “He left through my mouth in a swarm of flies. All of the mirrors shattered, the doors slammed and the beast finally left the boy.”

In light of this news thousands of priests are being dispatched from the vatican in an attempt to liberate autism sufferers from around the globe, claiming that over 7 thousand souls have been emancipated from the hellish visitation of autism so far. The Pope has advised that the application of leeches and the proximity of crucifixes can suppress symptoms while families wait for the visit of an exorcist.

Modern Autism treatment

Demonologist Charles Wandersnatch described the autism-causing spirit; “In the rank of demons Kroknaz is a mid-range presence. He was reputedly one of the angels dispelled from Heaven during Satan’s revolt but he is seldom mentioned in many of the orthodox texts. This is in part due to the more traditionally frightening daemons like baal, but also partly because Kroknaz’s propensity for absolute symmetry, avoiding eye contact and keeping a strict and unbreakable routine were never the most threatening or eye catching.”

“He is described in the Necronomicon as a many limbed being with the head of a beast and the tongue of a serpent. It is thought that he uses his many limbs to more effectively stack things very neatly and also to flap about when he gets excited or when any of the other archdukes of hell engage him in conversation, during which he is very awkward.

Leading autism researcher Dr. Donald Lyall has come forward to offer a sincere apology on behalf of the scientific community: “I was faffing about with chromosone abnormalities for ages. I just never thought to consult a compendium of demonology. I tell you, I feel like a right tit. And I’m out of a job. Shite.”

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent

Clooney ‘Clownishly Socially Awkward’ According To New Tell-All

Hollywood megastar ‘Gorgeous’ George Clooney may not be the suave lady’s man we’ve been led to believe according to a scandalous new tell-all memoir from the Ocean’s Eleven star’s former partner Emma Flaffelback.

Her new book ‘Clooney Toons: The Lie that is George’ hits shelves next month and sneak peeks accuse Clooney, 51, of being secretly ‘clownishly socially inept’, ‘borderline autistic when speaking in public’, ‘a rubbish dancer’ and, most shocking of all, ‘scarcely able to talk to women without embarrassing himself with visible erections and saliva spatterring stammerring’.

Clooney pictured avoiding eye contact

The book is full of salacious anecdotes; Flaffelback recounts the many instances of Clooney nervously vomiting into his own mouth when confronted by attractive fans, insecurely soiling himself when on the red carpet and regularly responding to the greeting ‘hey, George, what’s up?’ with an uncomfortable ‘not bad’, a response that Flaffelback points out does not match the informal question.

Clooney’s ex claims that in private the star is far more demure, preferring the more solitary pursuits of painting pewter miniatures of fantasy heroes and arranging them on a private map or rewatching his box sets of Babylon 5 rather than bedding a succession of models and starlets in big villas as the gossip magazines have been led to believe.

The book claims that Clooney’s career thus far has stemmed from being fed lines of frothy banter into a hidden ear piece by a team of Hollywood writers and being manoeuvred around events by an intricate series of winches and wires which gives the uncommonly shy actor the impression of easy body language and are later removed from photographs with photoshop.

These revelations have yet to be addressed by Clooney who is set to begin promotion on the political thriller The Ides Of March this week, but it is thought that a widespread deception on this scale could easily end the career of the allegedly duplicitous star.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent