Santorum Opposes Deployment of ‘Pretty Ladies’ to Front Lines

In light of the Pentagon’s recent announcement that women in the US armed forces would, in future be allowed to serve in the frontlines of combat, Republican presidential nominee and baffled time traveller from 1856 Rick Santorum has opposed the bill, arguing that ladies were too ‘fragrant and fragile’ to be put in harm’s way.

Senator Santorum announced to a recent rally, “I respect the women in the armed forces. The dames that sew the parachutes and perform in USO shows are an invaluable commodity, but putting a lady behind a trigger in the front lines is madness.”

“The female temperament is apt to swoon under the pressures of combat, and the men in the units are put at risk too, responding to the base biological urge to protect the fairer sex, putting themselves in danger to rescue a damsel in distress, as any gentleman worth his salt is wont to do. Especially if the lady in question has kept herself looking fiiine.”

The presidential hopeful continued, “Also, I hate to bring biology into this, but I don’t want to see troops going into battle who are bleeding before the fighting even begins, if you catch my meaning, fellas. Plus, try telling her to take cover at that kind of a time. You’re likely to get an earful of abuse and into an argument about how unflattering the fatigues are and what, exactly you meant by taking that tone of voice.”

“You guys know what I’m talking about.” The Senator then went on to open and close his hand in a ‘yap, yap, yap’ gesture and pull a pained face.

The senator went on to assure women in the audience that he was “just looking out for them, which is my job as a man.”
Feminist groups have lashed out at the conservative senator, arguing that if women chose to become radically more likely to be shot dead in the desert by insurgents then it was perfectly within their rights to do so.

The feminist attacking Santorum’s statement claimed that the GOP candidate had clearly learned nothing from the 1997 movie G.I Jane, in which Demi Moore did press ups to impress Viggo Mortinsen’s mustache, earning her the right to fire guns at people overseas.

Santorum argued that the role of gals in wartime should, ideally be that of standing on a cliff edge in flowing black garb, looking out into the roiling sea and waiting. However women’s group and concerned coastguards have dismissed this behavior as dangerous and anachronistic.

However, in line with the repeal of the ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell policy’, army recruits are no longer required to volunteer the information of whether or not they are male or female, meaning that if Santorum’s objection was to be upheld many female candidates would be able to join through butchness and the use of fake beards.


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