QuickQuid Claims Dundee

Payday loan site and trafficker in human misery QuickQuid.com has become the first company of its kind to entirely own claim a British city today,as it claimed ‘dominion’ over Dundee and all of its inhabitants.

The surprise news came when, over the financially trying festive period, it emerged that a majority of the voting citizens of the Scottish city had taken out loans with the company: loans that would come to consume their lives with a race against sisyphean interest rates. According to one Dundonian, an email and threatening note left pinned to his door with a dagger left instructions on how he could cut his debt by a quarter if he voted for an archaic local council law that opened the city up for re-election and then wrote ‘QuickQuid’ on the ballot.

The ad hoc election saw a landslide victory for QuickQuid, with thousands of chronically debt-ridden scots voting for their loan company, who have now seized power in the city and started building a large obsidian wall around it.

According to QuickQuid spokesman/Viscount of Dundee Adrian Alucard: “This was ever our plan. Dundee is the first to see sense in our election but our projections show that the populace of Scunthorpe, Berwick upon Tweed and The Isle of Man will soon fall to us. We can promise them all a safe,secure space to work off their considerable debts, lots of outdoor work and regular meals.”

The renovated and walled city of Dundee- now renamed ‘Site 000001’- is said to be refocusing its citizens on industry, building large steel and lumber mills and starting construction on large and labyrinthine mines that bore miles below what was the street surfaces. Watched over by QuickQuid spires, Viscount Alucard claims it’s the perfect environment to work off mounting debt.

“We charge only for room and board in our great city and the work of these....people clearly exceeds that charge by 14.7pence. Those pence can be put toward clearing the 14789112666098111.3% annual interest rate they agreed to.”

“Oh yes, they agreed. They all agree.”

However critics of the coup claim that the company make it too easy to agree to large and binding financial contracts. Ex-Dundonian Sophia Jax claimed: “My husband went on the site and there was just a big red button marked ‘Free Money’ with an asterix next to it. He pressed it and it just asked him his name and blood type. After that the money came through the mail in ten minutes. He didn’t even give an address.”

Now that chariots have escorted those not directly indebted out of the gates of Site 000001, the activity behind the large walls is unknown, since communication is not permitted. However Viscount Alucard has assured us that this kind of industry will bring Briain back to financial stability:

“We used to make in this country. Now our people will do little but. And we will spread. Already our eyes roam south for new sites. We’ll stop Britain borrowing and get Britain making again!”


FP

Italy Absconds

The Eurozone has been thrown into chaos today after it was discovered that Italy has disappeared in the dead of night. The country, which has faced financial and political collapse in recent weeks, has been spotted heading south in the Mediterranean sea, having attached rotors around the coasts of Venice, Turin and Milan and detatched itself from mainland Europe in what is thought to be a desperate attempt to escape its creditors.

Satellite images have shown the country’s zig-zagging progress as it demolished its moorings, pulled up its previously unknown anchors and coasted out past Sicily and then into the open Mediterranean waters. The destination of the boat-country is presently unknown but analysts believe that Italy may be heading toward the more financially stable continent of Asia.

A breakdown of the new nation-skiff

Experts say that the rogue nation only stopped once in its uncertain pilgrimage, pausing for several hours off the coast of Australia in what was thought to be a trading run, swapping out valuables for food supplies, fishing equipment and anti-seasickness medications. This morning the Australian government has conformed that its own markets have received an unprecedented injection of antique Renaissance marble busts and valuable Roman-era pottery at around the time that the trading run was thought to have taken place.

EU spokesman Chris Fatcastle has said,“We think that their plan is to coast through the oceans, stopping off at ports much like in Australia’s case and unloading their own valuables in exchange for supplies and money. Italy’s economy’s in the toilet and this is presumably their rather drastic answer to their shortage of funds. Also of note is he fact that the rest of Europe and the World Bank have no way of holding them accountable for their debts. God, I just hope they don’t turn pirate.”

The bow of Italy sighted off of New Zealand

In retaliation to Italy’s undeclared movement, its shirking of fiscal responsibility and its deep sea fishing without any permit the IMF have hired several baillifs, bounty hunters and private detectives to bring the country back to its usual place and the grievous debts that wait for it there.

Private Investigator Jim DeGriz promised the EU: “I ain’t never had a bounty i couldn’t chase down. Big, small, smart or dumb every cheating husband, out of luck gambler or bankrupt nation always slips up and I’ll be on them. This job here? no challenge at all. I can see them from space. Literally. I’ll just get in, slap the cuffs on and have ‘em steer that country back to where it oughtta be. My fee’s five hundred a day, plus expenses and I’ll need a dinghy.”

The two dozen or so contracted investigators are set to leave harbours around southern Europe in commandeered abandoned Italian fishing boats midday tomorrow.

It is thought that up to seventeen tankers have run aground on the coast of italy and are now being swept along in the country’s path like barnacles on a ship

All attempts at communication with the Italian Government/Captain have thus far been met with silence

Felix Prenderghast