Obama Finally Prepared to Establish Socialist State of ‘Unmerica’

Following his re-election this Tuesday and despite the dire warnings of right-wing pundits Barrack Obama has, in his inaugural speech as two-term President finally announced that he will begin dismantling the American Dream and extinguishing christian values wherever they appear.

The very black Kenyan despot made the announcement last night from the lawn of the White House, in front of a team of socialist stormtroopers who were spraying the iconic building a mixture of blood-red and black in a move that Conservative broadcasters called “frighteningly predictable”.

To rapturous applause Obama began, “Thank you for giving me this chance. I know my first term was in some senses a disappointment. I had to deal with the financial crisis and I also had to lay tracks for the changes that I and the rest of the Democratic party promised. We had to establish Obamacare, we had to start working on abortion reform, we had to learn to walk in the daylight and we had to pull our troops from Afghanistan. Now, with this new pooowerrr and the promise of four more years I can begin the real change.”

“Here is the change I promised thee.”

“Finally I have the chance to do what I have always wanted. This is now officially a socialist state. Rogue abortionists on horseback will prowl the streets tearing the unborn from the wombs of any woman...well, any white woman. The military will be dismantled, the smoking of legal marijuana will replace the recitation of the pledge of allegiance in our schools and all of your guns will be melted down and turned into a giant statue of my friend Jay-Z’s big face.”

To an increasingly unsettled silence from his audience, the visibly excited incumbent President continued, “Money shall be abolished. Each week the government will issue each person fifteen peuce discs which will be the basis of a barter system and all boys who come of age shall toil in the salt mines for a mandatory six years. These labours will form the basis of the new glorious state of Unmerica.”

“Unmerica- all are equal, and all are worthless”

“As for God?” The President continued, looked visibly pained as he spoke the word, “Me and Biden will have that name scrubbed from every inch of this land. In keeping with my new laws any who keep any holy books will be put to the pits where monkeys will beat them to death- a reminder of my might and of the rule of evolution, which will be taught to children until they realize that they are just dumb animals spawned randomly from ancient slime and then later hippos.”

The announcement of the abolition of capitalism and democracy, though shocking to many, is in keeping with many of the election predictions of conservative and Tea Party members, who warned of the shadow of socialism blotting out the sun if Mitt Romney was to be defeated at the polls.

Level headed prophets such as Donald Trump, Megyn Kelly, Roscharch, Glenn Beck and Tod Akin were noted voices of dissent against the march of socialism during the election but were roundly ignored due to being 'laughable'. However, this Tuesday an unprecedented amount of latinos, homosexuals and serpents turned out in the polling booths to cast their vote for Obama.

The new state of Unmerica, whose flag depicts a bowing man under an enormous black eye, has already withdrawn from the UN, cut communications from the rest of the west and began to enforce daily prayer sessions to Allah

MM

Romney Secures Poll Lead by Conjuring Hurricane

As Hurricane Sandy ravages the East Coast of America, clearing the bustling streets of New York and cutting power across the city, the tragic weather has had one unexpected result since Mitt Romney’s popularity has jumped in response to his appearance in the very eye of the storm wherein he sits, stripped to the waist bellowing dire warnings about what will happen if people displease him further.

The floating presidential hopeful was facing dire odds in the last few weeks of his presidential campaign against Barack Obama due in large part to his dismissal of 47% of the electorate, his staunch conservative rhetoric and his practice of bursting the hearts of vagrants within their chests using only his merciless gaze.

However with the flagging race nearing its conclusion many Republican backers allegedly gave one final monetary donation to the Romney/Ryan super pac along with a goblet full of a virgin’s despair which the Massachusetts governor drank in one long draught while trapped in an antechamber inside Karl Rove’s mind.

Invigorated by the fiscal stimulus and the threat of the three point lead of his democratic opponent, Romney launched his last ditch effort on Monday by walking into the ocean where he seemed to sink without trace, only to reappear three hours later, sat cross legged and held aloft seemingly by swirling, accelerating winds. Following this appearance inside a ball of expanding force, Romney’s popularity and the wind speed off of the coast of America have been rising in tandem.

However, the full effects of the Governor’s PR hurricane have truly taken effect today when the winds controlled by Romney hit New York, bringing the metropolis to a standstill as Romney floated in the middle of Time Square with cars and trees and loose shoes whipping around him in what Fox News is calling ‘a decisive and Presidential show of power’

The arcane energy is thought to be a direct plea to any undecided voters and in Romney’s own words, (which resound through the skulls of the fearful) “Any who value the puny lives of their young”. Gallup polls taken earlier today among those cowered in shelters have shown that this bold strategy seems to be working, even among staunch liberals.

President Obama has been quick to condemn the Republican weather emergency, stating that such scare tactics and cheap theatrics would not work on the American electorate. However, rumour around Capitol Hill speculates that Obama has already dispatched a small armed response unit to a haunted fairground where Romney’s sons are known to be standing in a circle, staring at an orb made of malice. Many political insiders and one hooded old man with a mysterious scar allege that sinking seven blessed daggers into Tagg Romney could destabilize the storm, ending the state of emergency

The strategy is the first of its kind since Richard Nixon took the form of a wolf in order to eat a very chinese man to win over the notoriously tricky swing state of Ohio, although the Republican party has always been accused of using arcane powers to their advantage, albeit covertly.

This latest wind attack on New York- a traditional democrat safe state- has been seen by some as a bold power play for the upcoming election which, if successful could herald in a dramatic change in the way tornadoes are used in elections are held from now on

MM