America Accidentally Elects Coalition Government of Romney/Clegg

Following confusion at the polling offices today, which is being blamed on a misleading ballot paper and the overwhelming ineptitude of the Liberal Democrat Party, it has been announced that an unprecedented coalition government has been elected in America, with Nick Clegg to be Deputy President alongside Mitt Romney.

The surprising and wholly depressing turnout for America this week means that the next four years of American Government will be split between the unsettling Mormon cyborg Mitt Romney and members of the Lib Dem party who will be shipped to Washington DC in crates sometime later in the month where they will be installed in a spare toilet cubicle in the second floor of a Starbucks adjacent to Congress. From this base of operations the left wing party will begin to affect systemic change in much the same way as they resolutely did in Britain.

Despite the fact that this new post will diminish his responsibilities in Downing Street, David Cameron was quick to assure President Romney that Clegg's current job of wandering the halls looking lost, asking passing people 'what's going on?' and weeping openly in the presence of mirrors could be achieved remotely, or on the weekends.

Pictured: Romney, collecting his Clegg

Though President Romney has yet to issue a statement about the status of his coalition government, political analysts and anyone who has met Nick Clegg expect the former Minnesota governor to be disappointed by the turn of events. However, sources within the Lib Dem party and Mr. Clegg himself have assured the Republican party that tempering the right wing with Clegg has never done anything to slow down whatever rampant wave of evil conservatives wish to visit upon peasants and, according to some studies, actually seems to speed it up.

Senior Lib Dem Jeremy Jedward today told us, “Under Clegg, the Tories have been able to start burning down the NHS, include ownership of a person’s ‘first born’ in university tuition fees, failed to get House of Lords reform and failed to get anyone to tell him where the House of Lords actually is.”

He continued, “ I don’t know what Mitt Romney actually wants to do- nobody does- but the man seems to be vaguely against women’s reproductive rights, as well as women in general. So, even though the Lib Dems are nominally ‘pro-choice’, i wouldn’t predict Romney having any trouble reversing Roe vs Wade, shutting down abortion clinics or just sewing vaginas closed in the dead of night while Clegg looked on, seeming increasingly dead inside but remaining pleasingly mute.”

Though few are willing to speculate on how the new Clegg-inclusive ballot papers ended up being distributed in the States, some Whitehall insiders are pointing the finger at Prime Minister David Cameron, who has been seen to be in a jubilant mood this week, riding around on Rebekah Brooks’ horse and laughing as he shut down hospitals and libraries and dreams.

An investigation into the Clegg debacle is underway in Congress, with both sides and anyone who meets him trying to agree on a way to ship him somewhere else.
However this effort will doubtless be impeded by the announcement earlier today by the Home Office of the complete closure of all of Britain’s borders and the subsequent erection of a sixty foot electrified wall around Britain.

MM

Romney Secures Poll Lead by Conjuring Hurricane

As Hurricane Sandy ravages the East Coast of America, clearing the bustling streets of New York and cutting power across the city, the tragic weather has had one unexpected result since Mitt Romney’s popularity has jumped in response to his appearance in the very eye of the storm wherein he sits, stripped to the waist bellowing dire warnings about what will happen if people displease him further.

The floating presidential hopeful was facing dire odds in the last few weeks of his presidential campaign against Barack Obama due in large part to his dismissal of 47% of the electorate, his staunch conservative rhetoric and his practice of bursting the hearts of vagrants within their chests using only his merciless gaze.

However with the flagging race nearing its conclusion many Republican backers allegedly gave one final monetary donation to the Romney/Ryan super pac along with a goblet full of a virgin’s despair which the Massachusetts governor drank in one long draught while trapped in an antechamber inside Karl Rove’s mind.

Invigorated by the fiscal stimulus and the threat of the three point lead of his democratic opponent, Romney launched his last ditch effort on Monday by walking into the ocean where he seemed to sink without trace, only to reappear three hours later, sat cross legged and held aloft seemingly by swirling, accelerating winds. Following this appearance inside a ball of expanding force, Romney’s popularity and the wind speed off of the coast of America have been rising in tandem.

However, the full effects of the Governor’s PR hurricane have truly taken effect today when the winds controlled by Romney hit New York, bringing the metropolis to a standstill as Romney floated in the middle of Time Square with cars and trees and loose shoes whipping around him in what Fox News is calling ‘a decisive and Presidential show of power’

The arcane energy is thought to be a direct plea to any undecided voters and in Romney’s own words, (which resound through the skulls of the fearful) “Any who value the puny lives of their young”. Gallup polls taken earlier today among those cowered in shelters have shown that this bold strategy seems to be working, even among staunch liberals.

President Obama has been quick to condemn the Republican weather emergency, stating that such scare tactics and cheap theatrics would not work on the American electorate. However, rumour around Capitol Hill speculates that Obama has already dispatched a small armed response unit to a haunted fairground where Romney’s sons are known to be standing in a circle, staring at an orb made of malice. Many political insiders and one hooded old man with a mysterious scar allege that sinking seven blessed daggers into Tagg Romney could destabilize the storm, ending the state of emergency

The strategy is the first of its kind since Richard Nixon took the form of a wolf in order to eat a very chinese man to win over the notoriously tricky swing state of Ohio, although the Republican party has always been accused of using arcane powers to their advantage, albeit covertly.

This latest wind attack on New York- a traditional democrat safe state- has been seen by some as a bold power play for the upcoming election which, if successful could herald in a dramatic change in the way tornadoes are used in elections are held from now on

MM