France to Get Gayer

France, which was voted the gayest of all possible countries by a council of blokes from Newcastle, is considering becoming even more gay, according to some sources.

France, which already allows both civil unions between same sex partners and berets is said to be considering extending the rights of gay couples to include adoption. However, the adoption of little french babies by couples who may or may not be working in the fashion industry, as perfumers, in boutiques or in artisan bakeries has raised concerns from some Catholic pressure groups within the notoriously flouncy nation.

The decision, which is set to be argued by both sides as they drink those tiny cups of coffee, wave their hands about and go ‘haw hee haw hee haw’ is thought to be a contentious issue to the French Catholic church, although the issue already has the backing of President Francois Hollande who, experts agree, has a very foofy name.

The head of the French Council of Bishops, Cardinal Andre Vingt-Trois (whose name also sounds like some gaelic buggery euphemism), has been vocal in opposing the rights of French gays to get even gayer. Despite coming from the same country as the music of Serge Gainsbourg, coq au vin and the expression ‘sacre bleu!’ Vingt-Trois has described gay marriage as "the ultimate deceit"

The debate over the legal status of civil unions being able to adopt has shocked the wider european political world, since most countries already naturally thought that it was already very legal in France since, well, y’know... France. Representatives of Sweden expressed disbelief at the political gridlock, stating that most people naturally assumed that France is where gay adoption (and most gays) actually originated.

France’s flagrant gayness has already been confirmed through its consistent victories over England in football in which they employ effete prancing and confusing flirtation instead of bullish, masculine running/losing. Although some experts in France’s gayness argue that the gayness can be traced back to World War Two in which the nation is seen to have acted in what noted historian Giles Peterhead has called ‘ a remarkably gay way’.

Though many experts are divided on when France officially became gay many trace the date to the advent of the frill.

The accepted homosexuality of the European land-mass is said to be the cause for confusion in the EU as politicians and commentators struggle to fathom a world in which France tries to be marginally less gay. It’s a move that Angela Merkel has described as akin to “the sea trying to get a little drier, up trying to get more down or the sun trying to dim down”

Civil rights activists have pointed out that if the adoption reform does not pass into French legislature that will mean that the country will be officially less progressive than Britain (where same-sex adoption is legal), despite the fact that Britain contains both Dundee and Vinnie Jones.

The vote will be held in Early February

MM

Helena Bonham Carter, Ronnie Corbett Ordered to Conquer France

The annual tradition of the New Year’s honours, in which the Queen hands out knighthoods by hitting kneeling people with a sword, this year saw the revitalisation of another tradition: war with France.

As Her Royal highness handed out the last of the knighthoods several servants were seen to enter the main hall, bearing armour, longswords and halberds and Queen Elizabeth informed the assembled celebrities, academics and businesspeople that as newly appointed knights they would be charged with the responsibility of sacking France and plundering their old enemy.

The revelation was met with a mixture of surprise, fear and patriotism as Her Royal Highness the Queen unfurled a parchment map of Europe that would serve as her new vanguard’s battle plan.
Ronnie Corbett, who was being honoured for his part in the ‘four candles/fork handles’ sketch claimed that he was touched but trepidatious : “I did wonder why she seemed to be stressing the whole ‘defender of the realm’ bit, but I just took that to be the traditional oath. If I was suspicious, it’s when she asked me to swear to never rest until the hated French were dead by my hand. Now I’m on this longboat. But no, it’s a real honour.”

The honours ceremony was not without controversy, however , as Jonathan Ive- the lead designer at computing giant Apple- quickly broke from the ranks as he was being fitted for his set of plate armour. Yelling about how he did not wish to die in battle the highly respected industrial designer was beating a hasty retreat when he was cut down for mutiny by the head of the Queen’s guard; the mountainous, scarred knight known simply as ‘The Black Hillock’

After Ive was dispatched through the fatal morningstar wound to the chest and dragged away to be displayed on the palace walls, the rest of the new knights quickly redoubled their oaths of fealty to the Soverign, to the kingdom and to the absolute eradication of the hated French.

Middle aged goth actress Helena Bonham Carter was particularly vehement. Speaking to us as she ran a whetstone over her dirk in an antechamber to the throne room she claimed: I have always coveted the annual honours and it was for this very reason. Finally the drums of war beat, England will rise again and we will reclaim what is ours; namely everything in Europe. Being knighted used to mean something. My monarch is bringing those times back and I will die on this sword before I bring news of failure back to Albion’s shores”

The call is being put out for all living knights such as Michael Caine, David Nixon, Artistic Director of the Northern Ballet Theatre and author Dick King-Smith have been sent out by raven though it it thought to be a matter of weeks before the trebuchets and hundreds of longbows necessary are constructed and the invasion can begin in earnest


FP