France to Get Gayer

France, which was voted the gayest of all possible countries by a council of blokes from Newcastle, is considering becoming even more gay, according to some sources.

France, which already allows both civil unions between same sex partners and berets is said to be considering extending the rights of gay couples to include adoption. However, the adoption of little french babies by couples who may or may not be working in the fashion industry, as perfumers, in boutiques or in artisan bakeries has raised concerns from some Catholic pressure groups within the notoriously flouncy nation.

The decision, which is set to be argued by both sides as they drink those tiny cups of coffee, wave their hands about and go ‘haw hee haw hee haw’ is thought to be a contentious issue to the French Catholic church, although the issue already has the backing of President Francois Hollande who, experts agree, has a very foofy name.

The head of the French Council of Bishops, Cardinal Andre Vingt-Trois (whose name also sounds like some gaelic buggery euphemism), has been vocal in opposing the rights of French gays to get even gayer. Despite coming from the same country as the music of Serge Gainsbourg, coq au vin and the expression ‘sacre bleu!’ Vingt-Trois has described gay marriage as "the ultimate deceit"

The debate over the legal status of civil unions being able to adopt has shocked the wider european political world, since most countries already naturally thought that it was already very legal in France since, well, y’know... France. Representatives of Sweden expressed disbelief at the political gridlock, stating that most people naturally assumed that France is where gay adoption (and most gays) actually originated.

France’s flagrant gayness has already been confirmed through its consistent victories over England in football in which they employ effete prancing and confusing flirtation instead of bullish, masculine running/losing. Although some experts in France’s gayness argue that the gayness can be traced back to World War Two in which the nation is seen to have acted in what noted historian Giles Peterhead has called ‘ a remarkably gay way’.

Though many experts are divided on when France officially became gay many trace the date to the advent of the frill.

The accepted homosexuality of the European land-mass is said to be the cause for confusion in the EU as politicians and commentators struggle to fathom a world in which France tries to be marginally less gay. It’s a move that Angela Merkel has described as akin to “the sea trying to get a little drier, up trying to get more down or the sun trying to dim down”

Civil rights activists have pointed out that if the adoption reform does not pass into French legislature that will mean that the country will be officially less progressive than Britain (where same-sex adoption is legal), despite the fact that Britain contains both Dundee and Vinnie Jones.

The vote will be held in Early February

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“We Do Too!” Cameron Hits Back At Sarkozy’s Industry Attack

David Cameron has today responded to French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s claims that Britain ‘no longer had any industry’.

In a video released earlier today Cameron is seen walking through a torn down factory and boasting to the French leader about the UK’s booming factory demolition business.

Cameron announced, in the promotional video, “It’s not just wrecking ball manufacturers, or shop dismantlers either. It’s padlock makers, chain forgers and the people that make sledgehammers that are seeing an upturn in trade right now.”

“And don’t forget Ronco inc; the small British company that makes THE official ‘shop closed’ signs. They’ve opened three more plants this year! So stick that in your baguette and smoke it, frenchy!”

“Loan sharking is a growing business over here too. A desperate economy usually sees a downturn in new businesses, but if you look at how many businesses have sprung up in the last year alone that offer short term loans with minimal fuss and only one of your children as collateral, then you’d be able to see that Britain’s economy is just fine.

Cameron continued to camera, touching on Britain's police forces, “In the last few years we have considerably expanded our riot police. Some people might look at that and see civil unrest, but I see a need for truncheons, tazers and big hoses that fire out a river of mace at students.”

“The manufacture of riot shields, body armour and bloody big rubber mallets to hit public sector workers with has more than quadrupled and guess what? We don’t import ALL of that from Egypt and Syria. No, our armour for police horses, our mace balloons, our rubber bullets are all made in the UK. It’s a booming business and under my leadership we will see this sector grow and grow and grow”

“Of course, the backbone of an economy is manufacture. Gone are the days when we lead the field in the automobile industry, I’m sad to say. BUT those nodding Churchill dogs and the air fresheners shaped like the ‘Go Compare’ opera singer are all made in these hallowed isles.”

“And you need look no further than Dragon’s Den to see that the spirit of invention is still with us. I can scarcely think of a day that passes when I do not use my dog treadmill, my chair that is also an exercise bike or my coffee table that plugs into my laptop”

Cameron went on to criticize Sarkozy’s attacks on British industry as a distraction tactic for the 1.6% VAT rise, which the French prime minister blamed on Eurozone instability, the low demand for fine wines and cheeses in a recession and the catastrophic trail of destruction left by Liam Neeson’s rescue missions which have cost the French authorities millions of euros through property damage and the departure of sinister sheikh investors

However, this latest feud between Cameron and the embattled Sarkozy could be disastrous for trade between the two nations, whose relations have been notoriously and historically frosty ever since Britain’s first broadcast of ‘Allo ‘Allo, a program described by the french as “A piss of oofull proopagandah. Oh hee haw hee haw”



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