Panicked, Near Feral Catholics Finally Receive Guidance

The worldwide chaos and confusion brought on by the resignation of Pope Benedict has today been resolved with the appointment of a new head of the church.

Many Catholics around the world, without the guidance of a titular head have been seen engaging in strange, dangerous and un-Catholic behaviours as the Pope-void has left millions uncertain of what to do from one second to the next. As a direct result, murder statistics, ox worship, idolatry, bumming and ‘general evil’ have all increased exponentially in the last week.

Senior British clergy have reacted with alarm in the past few weeks to the spectacle of their followers leaving blood sacrifices, giving offerings of livestock or simply mashing their faces against a crucifix while making low moaning noises

Many have turned to guidance in the familiar catholic iconography found in DVD boxsets of Father Ted while other rudderless Catholics have chosen to make their own idols to worship out of mud and hay and bits of horse.

Without anyone occupying the role of Pope statistics have shown that 12% of the church have defected to Protestantism  8% have taken up voodoo, 7.5% have regressed to worship the wrathful Zeus and a worrying 6% have banded together to form a new religion based around the worship of fire, the imbibing of menstrual blood and a confusing morass of images centring on the veteran character actor Albert Finney. The Finneyans have taken over a small Scottish island and have been filmed constructing an enormous, hollow jackal out of wicker.

It is unknown how they will react to the reinstitution of regular Popery

Senior Church spokesman Cardinal Ferrero Roche told us: “This madness really stresses the importance of the role of Pope in today’s world. Cynics like to say that the church has no real impact on the day to day lives of believers but look at the last few weeks. Lorries overturned in the streets, waves of rampant buggery, fires engulfing our cities, rivers of blood, children howling from the gutters, teenagers taking up abortion as a hobby, babies being cured of AIDS."

“It’s all backwards. These are all signs of a distinct Pope-lack. But we-I mean God- finally chose a new one, so we have stability again, finally”

The new Pope, who was previously known as Cardinal Jorge ‘The Body’ Bergoglio of Beunos Aires, has assured the church that regular Catholic services have been resumed and that the regular flow of moral guidance stemming from ancient texts is as normal. The speech has ended the dervish of secular chaos sweeping the globe.

However Pope Francis has already come under fire from the newly calmed Catholics for his murky non-nazi past as well as his stated intentions to crack down on the established church traditions of child rape and poking holes in the condoms of AIDs carrying african males with a hot needle.

However, despite this controversy, the new Pope has said that he will try his best to Pope the church into a state of relevance for modern catholics, through a series of balcony speeches and events where he waves at people from inside a perspex cube.

When approached for a statement, God told us that he was ‘well chuffed’ with the new man and looks forward to working with him in the days before the Rapture.

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Helen Mirren Reprises Queen role for bout of Diarrhea

Dame Helen Mirren is set to reprise her famous role as Her Royal Highness Elizabeth the Second in a stage play dealing with the drama of her recent bout of gastroenteritis.

‘The Queen 2: Trouble Down Under’ is the sequel to the critically acclaimed film which first saw Mirren step into the role of the monarch at a troubling time when she was dealing with public pressure over the death of Princess Diana while also dealing with the guilt of the knowledge that her husband had employed Mi6 to carry out the hit.

The new drama this time centres on a similarly difficult and messy time for the head of state as a virus turns her stomach into a dangerously out of control sausage factory at a time of mounting scrutiny over her family. As well as making sure to be permanently within lunging distance of a shitter, the play shows the Queen fielding questions about Prince Harry’s worrisome growing love of shooting peasants from a helicopter, Kate Middleton’s commoner pregnancy, and the dread spectre of Hilary Mantel’s offensive maw.

Similarly to the first film, ‘Queen 2: Big Trouble in Little China’ has also started life as play in London’s West End and is already drawing rave reviews for its superb acting, extensive special effects and eye watering visuals. 

The Observer has already praised the film’s dialogue, Mirren’s tour de force performance and the venue’s wise installation of a stage splash guard and optional tarpaulin ponchos for the first row.

Due to the box office success of the first outing and the bankability of its star, industry insiders are already predicting the play’s transfer to the silver screen (under the revised title 'The Queen 2: Eye of the Storm'). The film- rumored to be helmed by director Tom Six- is said to start shooting in October, after securing an inflated effects budget.

Mirren herself told us that the physical demands of the role were daunting but that it’s a delight to be starring as the Queen again. “It’s an honour and a privilege, obviously. Even though I do have to spend a few hours in the makeup chair capturing her look and disguising the rigging of the pipes around my gusset for the climactic scene at Crufts"

The Queen herself has, as always remained tight lipped about dramatic interpretations of her life, though inside sources at the Palace have indicated that several unnamed royals have expressed appreciation over the sympathetic handling of Her Highness's unfortunate and harrowing spurt of explosive, repeated, violent and debilitating diarrhea

'The Queen 2: 2 Fast 2 Furious' is showing now in London's Royal theatre 

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Boston Dynamics Closer to Synthesizing First Robotic Glaswegian

Robotics giants Boston Dynamics have today unveiled their recent breakthroughs in their attempts to copy the shambling but tenacious walking and blind aggressive brick throwing behaviors of the Glaswegian in their newest robot- BigMalky.

Their automaton, which was previously capable of roughly aping human walking (though more slowly and in a zig zagging pattern towards the offie) has now been fitted with an arm capable of roughly hurling cinderblocks at the polis.

The artificial weegie is being called ‘Big Malky 4.6’ by the designers and is being considered for real life tests in Old Firm matches as early as August this year, where its new hydraulic arm will be put into effect throwing half full cans of special brew at Rangers fans.

Lead designer Robert C Nesbitt told us: “Our initial intention was to copy the locomotion of an ordinary human, but the challenges that this represented are- quite simply- too great for engineering right now. We had to take it down a step. That’s when we happened upon video of a native of glasgow encountering the same locomotive problems that we were facing. Problems maintaining balance, direction and consistent speed. That’s when the idea for Malky hit us like a bottle of buckfast to the brain”

The robot is funded by DARPA and is intended to carry large quantities of troop munitions and tins of Export over long distances. However it has long been thought that arming the machine with guns or ballistic missiles was a possibility. However, in keeping with its heritage the team decided to eschew a firearm and instead make Malky lob pieces of masonry with hideous force in a drunken stumble.

The video released by the company has showed the power and rough aim of the new arm (which will later be adorned with a poorly spelled tattoo) which can accurately fling bricks accurately at any nearby closed pub, giro centre or English person, while almost staying upright and within two meters of its starting position.

Nesbitt explained: "We took our lead watching an old guy from around Easterhouse fling a traffic cone full of sick at a schoolbus. If you watch a side by side comparison it's pretty much dead on"

However many have criticized the robot for its slow pace of walking, its enormous energy consumption and its rabid hatred of anyone born south of Dumfries.  However Nesbitt has been vocal in its defense, saying : "It’s still a great achievement. The robot is still very hard to knock over, can keep its balance on ice, uphill, or when pushed by as many as three young ‘neds’"

Boston Dynamics are currently promising to unveil Malky just in time for the referendum of scottish independence when at least five units will be stationed outside of polling places, swaying slightly and brandishing their newest innovation: an old stanley knife on a stick

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US Passes Law Allowing All Classes to be Mexican Stand Offs

The US state of South Dakota has today put a law into action wherein all school classes will be taught in a  large, tense circle with teachers and students alike pointing guns at each other in the classic circular 'mexican standoff' formation. As of June all classes in the state will, by law, consist of armed teachers and students nervously watching each other with weapons drawn, entreating each other to put the guns down and learning the syllabus of the day.

The Mexican Stand Off Agreement (MSOA), which was drafted by Conservative Senator Robert Rodriguez, is designed to put an end to the possibilities of school shootings, since any discharge of weaponry in a classroom will-under the new arrangement- immediately bring about mutually assured destruction similar to the end of Reservoir Dogs or that bit in True Romance.

Senator Rodriguez told Congress; “Unfortunately, these days we can’t know who is armed and who is not. But there is one thing you can know: the chances of an unbalanced kid firing a gun in a school goes down if you’re already training the sights of your steyr aug on his throat. We took this thought to its natural conclusion”

Gun laws have been under review in the last year with various proposals to cut down the inevitable, clockwork procession of school massacres, being asessed by the Obama administration. Proposals such as arming only teachers, arming only PE teachers, arming janitors, putting a lone NRA sniper in the back of every classroom and giving all teachers heavily armed podiums to teach from were all scrapped in favor of MSOA

Rodriguez continued, “In the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting, the spate of copycat slaughters and the school shootings that are statistically probably happening right now, the nation’s gun laws were under serious scrutiny. People need to feel safe and the nation was looking for answers. Some politicians actually suggested that decreasing the amount of machines specifically designed to kill in our schools was the answer. Thankfully we got past that madness and have enacted the MSOA”

“Under this new law, we know exactly who among our students, teachers and dinnerladies is armed (all of them)and when they are armed (always). We also know that they are being scrutinized closely by people who will turn their faces into lead-riddled mince at the first sign of violence. Each child experiences the empowerment and security of holding, say, two uzis but they also know that any untoward behaviour could result in the person to their immediate left or right flipping out and extinguishing their lives in a hail of righteous teflon coated bullets”

“Plus, the focus that these students exhibit now that all classes are circles of death, is quite impressive.”

Some reluctant teachers have lodged complaints, however, stating that writing on chalkboards, turning pages or marking attendance sheets is significantly harder while simultaneously training two berettas on students and not letting their guard down for so much as a second. However the program’s backers have assured teachers and students that appropriate training will be provided by a team of specialists well versed in Mexican standoffs made up of NRA volunteers, ex-SWAT members and meth kingpins

Several test runs of the program have shown remarkable success, with less than 30% ending in bloodbaths after less than twenty minutes. Surviving students have reportedly seen increases to their attention spans, debate skills and upper arms strength

South Dakota teacher Vincent Vega told us: “Absolutely nothing can go wrong with this. The answer to gun violence is almost TOO simple; more guns. Mountains of guns. A constant metal river of sexy, safe guns flowing into our places of learning. I’ve always said- no schoolchild should be unfamiliar with the sight of a gun muzzle.”

“America!”

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Rivers of Unknown Pink Slime found under Site of Thatcher Statue

Plans to erect a statue of Margaret Thatcher in her home town of Grantham have today been put on hold due to the discovery of rivers of strange, unguent ectoplasmic slime converging in the sewers beneath the site.

The unidentified material, which has appeared seemingly from nowhere has been found flowing from all directions underground to the central point where the statue of the Iron Lady is due to be erected.

The viscous liquid, dubbed 'Psychomagnotheric Slime' by Dr Egon Spengler, has been found clogging up Grantham waterworks, contaminating the local water supply and conjuring undead trains as it travels inexorably (and in many cases uphill and against the current) toward the site of the proposed statute, where thirteen people, seven cats, and a priest yesterday suffered fatal aneurysms.

The slime, which has been noted reacting to negative human emotions and opening portals to allow ghosts entry into our realm has been collected by a team of scientific experts is apparently similar to a substance found in New York in 1989. The notorious incident saw  slime cover the Manhattan Museum of Art until a motown infused statue of liberty smashed through the shell.

Grantham Council has strenuously denied the possibility of a similar situation befalling the small Lincolnshire town, although they have admitted to being unable to stem the flow of the slime, which has been seen leaking from taps in the area and taking the form of a kind of shrieking anti-unionist face.

The slime is said to be unconnected with a spate of unexplained incidents around the site of the statue. Many Grantham residents have noted that any spilled milk immediately flows toward the site, while others have been distressed by the amount of birds that fall dead from the air as they pass over the area as their hearts burst in their chests.

Dr Spengler has warned the local council that the fear and hate engendered by these incidents have appeared to increase the slime activity, alleging that the substance feeds off of the negative emotions it causes, much like the Conservative party itself

Controversially, many conservatives have opposed the building of the statue, claiming that it ‘goes against the Baroness’ wishes”. Instead many Tory MPs have prepared a list of possibilities that may be more fitting, including a catapult that indiscriminately fires boulders into Scotland, a sheath of vinegar-soaked razorwire that could be fitted on a jobcentre, a black seven hundred foot obsidian spike with a coalminer on the end, or a simple statue of a boot stamping on a human face -forever.

Thatcher, (also known as the ‘Scourge of Carpathia’ or the ‘Sorrow of Moldovia’) has made little comment about the cross-party furore since she has retired from public life to spend more time living in a haunted painting. However when approached for comment, Baroness Thatcher told us: “Death is but a door, Time is but a window. I’ll be back”

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Pippa Middleton’s Arse Pregnant

In surprise royal news, Kate Middleton’s sister has today given the happy announcement that her arse has been impregnated and is currently gestating a baby.

The famous posterior-haver, whose fundament propelled her to deserved and lasting fame after she upstaged her sister at her wedding to Prince William with her form fitting bum-centric dress has today announced, after weeks of speculation that she is expecting her first child which is currently only seven weeks old and living in her rump.

The news comes only a few days after concerns were raised when Kate Middleton was taken ill, suffering from an extreme form of morning sickness (known as Hyperemesis gravidarum) as her system fights to cope with the bizarre genetic tangle of rampant inbreeding, gingerness, reptilian DNA and biologically encoded dominion over the British isles and the Falklands. 

This aristocratic cocktail of venomous embryonic fluids traditionally necessitated the use of around seventeen peasants who would house a royal embryo for a brief period before it would overpower their proletarian bodies and kill them, at which point the child would be moved to the next host until it was deemed ready by the archbishop of Canterbury. However, Kate Middleton has chosen to brave a ‘natural’ birth, which experts have warned could tax her mere upper-middle-class frame. This recent medical distress is thought to be merely the first symptom of the Coming of the King. Kate is currently expected to deliver the royal thing in a specially designed chamber similar to the one from the end of Prometheus.

However, despite the ovarian drama of her sister now all eyes are on Pippa Middleton’s lovely bottom once again, as her baby grows within her.

Speculation over the identity of the father, the sex of the bum-child and the possibility of twins has consumed the media today, though Pippa has declined to comment on any of these subjects, simply stating that she was delighted at the news, expressed worry for her sister and joked that she would have to retire her famous cheek-hugging dresses as the growth of the child inflated her rear flanks.

The socialite and party planner is already courting book and magazine offers from publishing houses keen to cash in on the chronicles of her unusual pregnancy.

Pippa has stated that her child is expected in August 2013, while Kate Middleton’s future ruler is due to be born, according to Royal Illuminati doctors ‘in the hour of wolves in the third reaping moon of the red season. So late July maybe’

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