Schofield still Handing out Lists of Suspected Paedophiles

Beloved TV presenter and former gopher puppeteer Phillip Schofield is coming under fire today due to his continued insistence of handing lists of suspected paedophiles to his guests live on This Morning

The practice- which began when Schofield presented a list of names which were linked on the internet to child abuse to Prime Minister David Cameron- has become a regular feature of the program, much to the chagrin of viewers, Ofcom and Holly Willoughby.

The first instance of the seemingly spontaneous stunt stirred up controversy upon its broadcast, prompting an inquiry by Lord McAlpine and several statements denouncing the ‘gotcha journalism’ from the Prime Minister. However, Schofield has continued to present a steady stream of lists of suspected child rapists on every subsequent broadcasts of the live mid morning chat show in a move that has been called ‘bizarrely confrontational but admirably thorough’

The day after presenting a list to Cameron, Schofield handed a similar sheet to two of the members of One Direction and sat in silence for four minutes as the chart toppers scanned through the list, attempting to guess which of the people included were indeed responsible for several counts of violent sexual child abuse while promoting their new single ‘Love Baby Party Disco Yes’.

Despite the flood of complaints to ITV bosses Schofield repeated the segment at the end of subsequent interviews with Pauline Quirke, the drummer from Coldplay, the cast of Emmerdale, Emma Bunton, an autistic dog trainer, Gregg Wallace, Nigella Lawson and a Coventry based farmer who had grown a record breakingly huge marrow.

Though few of the guests commented on the lists, Schofield has insisted that each read the names silently and in full as he watched, then demanded that they either confirm or deny the paedophilic status of each of the accused, though for legal reasons, the names could not be broadcast.

Failed Time Lord David Tennant, who was a victim of Schofield’s televised unofficial pervert poll told us, “He just looked at me dead in the eyes and kept demanding I read the names and tell him who we should go after. I tried to, I really did. It seemed to be some kind of strange power game with him. I threw the first list away and tried to keep talking about my new shit british comedy film but he had a new list in my hand in a second and his eyes were so black and cold and unflinching."

Though Schofield himself remains unavailable for comment ITV bosses have already condemned his actions, claiming “We simply don’t know where he keeps getting these lists”

MM

Gazza comes under Attack from Israel

UN chiefs have today come out to condemn a series of sudden and brutal mortar attacks mounted by the Israeli military on retired England midfielder Paul Gascoigne

The embattled middle eastern nation launched its first attack on Gazza on the 14th of November marking the first recorded eruption of violence between the beloved 90s footballer and the Jewish-majority Middle Eastern state. following this initial attack, aggression between the two has been nearly constant.

The Israeli Defence Force (IDF) subsequently announced the start of operation ‘Fog on The Tyne’ which it said was intended to protect Israeli citizens from rocket attacks from the recovering alcoholic scouser, as well as crippling Gazza’s ability to launch comedy singles or adverts for crisps.

Sources close to the footballer are said to be appalled and bemused by the sudden bombardment of high ordinance levelled against any area where the footballer is believed to reside in, which started when the 45 year old was at his local branch of Lidl buying tinned pineapples and gammon steaks

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said the operation was launched because he could no longer "accept a situation in which Israeli citizens are threatened by the terrorist attacks or more tell-all books about hitting rock bottom or working with Terry Venables".

In response to these hostilities US President Barack Obama said on 18 November that it was "preferable" that Israel did not launch a ground offensive on Gazza, pointing instead to the continued existence of John Terry or, failing that West Ham defender Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock. However, despite this plea for harmony the aggression levelled at Gascoigne has continued this last six days, while Terry has remained remarkably and regrettably un-mortared.

The fighting thus far has centred around Gazza’s strip- the number 19 England shirt that was worn in the 1990 FIFA World Cup- which is thought to be worth upwards of eight hundred pounds.

Although Gascoigne’s military adviser has told us that he remains unharmed in his Newcastle-based bunker, the conflict between Israel and Gazza has so far caused an enormous amount of collateral damage, with upwards of 20,000 Palestinians having been killed in the crossfire.

A ceasefire agreement chaired by Gary Linekar is being proposed for later in the month.

MM

Thousands Recover After Def Leppard Rocks Cleveland

Emergency services are scrambling to Cleveland today as thousands have been injured and left without homes after Def Leppard rocked the city to its very foundations last night.

Left; Leppard rocks Cleveland, Right; Cleveland tries to pick up the pieces

The catastrophic heavy rock show is thought to have caused millions of dollars worth of damage to the buildings and infrastructure around the concert venue which is now being referred to as ‘ground zero’.

Today FEMA representatives and rapid response units from the surrounding states have sped to the aid of the multitudes of rock-affected citizens who are today having to rebuild their lives and homes in the wake of the disaster.

The ill-fated concert, started at around 8pm EST, but it was only minutes before the effects and casualties of Def Leppard were being reported in the wider area. According to sources inside the battered city, by the beginning of Hysteria, the first power outages were noted. By the solo of Long Long Way To Go, the first tremors were felt and by the crescendo of Stand Up (Kick Love into Motion), the first fatality had already been reported

The British rockers are today facing the responsibility for rocking Cleveland well beyond its limits, resulting in the deaths of over thirty five concert goers and a bus containing seven schoolchildren which crashed during the climax of ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’, ending the lives of five of the passengers.

Firefighter attempt to rescue those trapped in the Love Bites landslide

Police are charging the hard rock group with acts of premeditated terrorism, citing promotional material which boasted that that the Sheffield-based band would ‘rock Cleveland like a hurricane’, a statement deemed grossly offensive in the wake of hurricane Sandy and the career of The Scorpions.

A tweet sent by lead singer and writer Getcha Rocks Off, Joe Elliott, previous to the gig has been taken as evidence of the band’s intention of decimating the heavily populated city centre, and knocking out power for the entire western region of the state of Ohio .One hour previous to the start of the destruction the veteran rocker sent his followers the message: ‘Hope cleveland knows what it’s letting itself in for. We’re going to annihilate tonight #mayhem’ . 

The singer, seven roadies and a one armed drummer are currently being held for questioning.

However the band’s representation state that it was always clearly stated that the band’s intention was ‘aural mayhem’ and that any city which hosts them should expect some collateral damage

Vivian Cambell (bass, backing vocals) told us, "We said that we would rock the fuck out of Cleveland. From where I stand we fulfilled our side of the bargain. If a major metropolitan centre can't make the necessary preparations, then that's not Def Leppard's fault; that's Cleveland's."

 However, as the bodies pile up in Ohio's capital tonight, the anger of these rock-fucked citizens is turning not toward its own government, but to the band behind 'When Love and Hate Collide'

The disaster is the first of its kind since Vixen ended the lives of the first three rows of a particularly loud show in 1987 and, before that, the notorious 1986 Jakkal concert which wiped out the population of a small island just off of the coast of Stornaway.

President Obama is expected to visit the devastated city within the week and has already promised further aid to those affected by Def Leppard

MM

France to Get Gayer

France, which was voted the gayest of all possible countries by a council of blokes from Newcastle, is considering becoming even more gay, according to some sources.

France, which already allows both civil unions between same sex partners and berets is said to be considering extending the rights of gay couples to include adoption. However, the adoption of little french babies by couples who may or may not be working in the fashion industry, as perfumers, in boutiques or in artisan bakeries has raised concerns from some Catholic pressure groups within the notoriously flouncy nation.

The decision, which is set to be argued by both sides as they drink those tiny cups of coffee, wave their hands about and go ‘haw hee haw hee haw’ is thought to be a contentious issue to the French Catholic church, although the issue already has the backing of President Francois Hollande who, experts agree, has a very foofy name.

The head of the French Council of Bishops, Cardinal Andre Vingt-Trois (whose name also sounds like some gaelic buggery euphemism), has been vocal in opposing the rights of French gays to get even gayer. Despite coming from the same country as the music of Serge Gainsbourg, coq au vin and the expression ‘sacre bleu!’ Vingt-Trois has described gay marriage as "the ultimate deceit"

The debate over the legal status of civil unions being able to adopt has shocked the wider european political world, since most countries already naturally thought that it was already very legal in France since, well, y’know... France. Representatives of Sweden expressed disbelief at the political gridlock, stating that most people naturally assumed that France is where gay adoption (and most gays) actually originated.

France’s flagrant gayness has already been confirmed through its consistent victories over England in football in which they employ effete prancing and confusing flirtation instead of bullish, masculine running/losing. Although some experts in France’s gayness argue that the gayness can be traced back to World War Two in which the nation is seen to have acted in what noted historian Giles Peterhead has called ‘ a remarkably gay way’.

Though many experts are divided on when France officially became gay many trace the date to the advent of the frill.

The accepted homosexuality of the European land-mass is said to be the cause for confusion in the EU as politicians and commentators struggle to fathom a world in which France tries to be marginally less gay. It’s a move that Angela Merkel has described as akin to “the sea trying to get a little drier, up trying to get more down or the sun trying to dim down”

Civil rights activists have pointed out that if the adoption reform does not pass into French legislature that will mean that the country will be officially less progressive than Britain (where same-sex adoption is legal), despite the fact that Britain contains both Dundee and Vinnie Jones.

The vote will be held in Early February

MM

Obama Finally Prepared to Establish Socialist State of ‘Unmerica’

Following his re-election this Tuesday and despite the dire warnings of right-wing pundits Barrack Obama has, in his inaugural speech as two-term President finally announced that he will begin dismantling the American Dream and extinguishing christian values wherever they appear.

The very black Kenyan despot made the announcement last night from the lawn of the White House, in front of a team of socialist stormtroopers who were spraying the iconic building a mixture of blood-red and black in a move that Conservative broadcasters called “frighteningly predictable”.

To rapturous applause Obama began, “Thank you for giving me this chance. I know my first term was in some senses a disappointment. I had to deal with the financial crisis and I also had to lay tracks for the changes that I and the rest of the Democratic party promised. We had to establish Obamacare, we had to start working on abortion reform, we had to learn to walk in the daylight and we had to pull our troops from Afghanistan. Now, with this new pooowerrr and the promise of four more years I can begin the real change.”

“Here is the change I promised thee.”

“Finally I have the chance to do what I have always wanted. This is now officially a socialist state. Rogue abortionists on horseback will prowl the streets tearing the unborn from the wombs of any woman...well, any white woman. The military will be dismantled, the smoking of legal marijuana will replace the recitation of the pledge of allegiance in our schools and all of your guns will be melted down and turned into a giant statue of my friend Jay-Z’s big face.”

To an increasingly unsettled silence from his audience, the visibly excited incumbent President continued, “Money shall be abolished. Each week the government will issue each person fifteen peuce discs which will be the basis of a barter system and all boys who come of age shall toil in the salt mines for a mandatory six years. These labours will form the basis of the new glorious state of Unmerica.”

“Unmerica- all are equal, and all are worthless”

“As for God?” The President continued, looked visibly pained as he spoke the word, “Me and Biden will have that name scrubbed from every inch of this land. In keeping with my new laws any who keep any holy books will be put to the pits where monkeys will beat them to death- a reminder of my might and of the rule of evolution, which will be taught to children until they realize that they are just dumb animals spawned randomly from ancient slime and then later hippos.”

The announcement of the abolition of capitalism and democracy, though shocking to many, is in keeping with many of the election predictions of conservative and Tea Party members, who warned of the shadow of socialism blotting out the sun if Mitt Romney was to be defeated at the polls.

Level headed prophets such as Donald Trump, Megyn Kelly, Roscharch, Glenn Beck and Tod Akin were noted voices of dissent against the march of socialism during the election but were roundly ignored due to being 'laughable'. However, this Tuesday an unprecedented amount of latinos, homosexuals and serpents turned out in the polling booths to cast their vote for Obama.

The new state of Unmerica, whose flag depicts a bowing man under an enormous black eye, has already withdrawn from the UN, cut communications from the rest of the west and began to enforce daily prayer sessions to Allah

MM

America Accidentally Elects Coalition Government of Romney/Clegg

Following confusion at the polling offices today, which is being blamed on a misleading ballot paper and the overwhelming ineptitude of the Liberal Democrat Party, it has been announced that an unprecedented coalition government has been elected in America, with Nick Clegg to be Deputy President alongside Mitt Romney.

The surprising and wholly depressing turnout for America this week means that the next four years of American Government will be split between the unsettling Mormon cyborg Mitt Romney and members of the Lib Dem party who will be shipped to Washington DC in crates sometime later in the month where they will be installed in a spare toilet cubicle in the second floor of a Starbucks adjacent to Congress. From this base of operations the left wing party will begin to affect systemic change in much the same way as they resolutely did in Britain.

Despite the fact that this new post will diminish his responsibilities in Downing Street, David Cameron was quick to assure President Romney that Clegg's current job of wandering the halls looking lost, asking passing people 'what's going on?' and weeping openly in the presence of mirrors could be achieved remotely, or on the weekends.

Pictured: Romney, collecting his Clegg

Though President Romney has yet to issue a statement about the status of his coalition government, political analysts and anyone who has met Nick Clegg expect the former Minnesota governor to be disappointed by the turn of events. However, sources within the Lib Dem party and Mr. Clegg himself have assured the Republican party that tempering the right wing with Clegg has never done anything to slow down whatever rampant wave of evil conservatives wish to visit upon peasants and, according to some studies, actually seems to speed it up.

Senior Lib Dem Jeremy Jedward today told us, “Under Clegg, the Tories have been able to start burning down the NHS, include ownership of a person’s ‘first born’ in university tuition fees, failed to get House of Lords reform and failed to get anyone to tell him where the House of Lords actually is.”

He continued, “ I don’t know what Mitt Romney actually wants to do- nobody does- but the man seems to be vaguely against women’s reproductive rights, as well as women in general. So, even though the Lib Dems are nominally ‘pro-choice’, i wouldn’t predict Romney having any trouble reversing Roe vs Wade, shutting down abortion clinics or just sewing vaginas closed in the dead of night while Clegg looked on, seeming increasingly dead inside but remaining pleasingly mute.”

Though few are willing to speculate on how the new Clegg-inclusive ballot papers ended up being distributed in the States, some Whitehall insiders are pointing the finger at Prime Minister David Cameron, who has been seen to be in a jubilant mood this week, riding around on Rebekah Brooks’ horse and laughing as he shut down hospitals and libraries and dreams.

An investigation into the Clegg debacle is underway in Congress, with both sides and anyone who meets him trying to agree on a way to ship him somewhere else.
However this effort will doubtless be impeded by the announcement earlier today by the Home Office of the complete closure of all of Britain’s borders and the subsequent erection of a sixty foot electrified wall around Britain.

MM

Scotland Yard Arrests the 1970s

Following the investigation into Jimmy Savile’s career of sexual abuse and disappointing televised wish-granting which has already involved Freddie Starr, Gary Glitter and even John Peel, Scotland Yard has today brought in the nineteen seventies for questioning, it has emerged.

Pictures: Saville looking innocent

The decade, which has long been rumored to be absolutely full to the brim with casual child rape and hilarious trouser fashions has been taken in for questioning earlier today following allegations that it oversaw a ten year period when anyone with a mild amount of fame was allowed, and even encouraged, to have their way with children, as long as the victims in question got a free trip to the BBC or got to meet Bananarama.

The grubby decade has long been suspected of harbouring sexual perversity and unhealthy amounts of disco music, but until the Saville case, these rumours have largely been ignored on the grounds that they were ‘massively depressing’. However, after a courageous investigative campaign into Savile’s character, led by Louis Theroux, the self evident details of the popular entertainer’s enormous creepiness came to light.

Doubts about Jimmy Saville first surfaced when somebody saw him. Following this visual confirmation of his innate wrongness it was concluded that he did indeed seem like a kind of partially reanimated rape-mummy, or a more sinister cryptkeeper dipped in a vat of gaudy shellsuits. The fact that he was ever allowed to be in the same building or dimension as a child has been blamed on the influence of the smutty period of time.

Despite the fact that leaving a child under the care of an decrepit old DJ in a gold tracksuit was known to be roughly as safe as leaving one’s child under the care of a forest fire or fifteen pervert squids, the fact that the marathon loving paedophile was given television shows wherein he was specifically and repeatedly given charge of children has been brought into question. 

The 1970s has been charged on this count for being responsible for the prominence of vaguely unsettling entertainers such as Saville, Starr, Gary Glitter and literally everyone else who appeared on TV during the decade.

The controversial case has seen the emergence of many light entertainment personalities who claimed that the climate of accepted paedophilia was to blame for nobody reporting these incidents even when suspicions were raised or assaults were accidentally broadcast live on Top of the Pops.

Angela Rippon has come forward to tell us of the accepted practice, stating: “Before the eighties, dicking a child while being on the telly was basically thought to be ace. A misdemeanor at most, like littering or not paying for your TV license. It was widely accepted that a famous person had carte blanche to do whatever they liked to preteen genitals. In many cases it was written into the contracts of drivetime DJs. It was the sole reason why many people even launched glam rock careers. Being a kid in the seventies was like being Sooty or Sweep: if you were in a television studio, you were only ever minutes away from getting someone’s hand up you.”

When approached for comment earlier, the 1970s declined to respond and left on a spacehopper. Freddie Starr, who was questioned about Savile, as well as his own criminally dickish appearance on Hell’s Kitchen, took the opportunity to deny any involvement, although he did admit to totally seeming like the type.

The trial of the 1970s is ongoing

 

MM