It was in the early hours of the morning that Sheridan was sprung from the medium security Galloway Penitentiary for the Politically Asinine- a prison island built to house corrupt politicians who are so shit that they have to found their own fringe groups that are invariably named after one positive word that might be in latin like ‘Victory’ or ‘Acceptus’
After blowing up one wall with plastic explosives, incapacitating guards with nerve gas and airlifting Sheridan out with a Chinook helicopter, the far right Tory group deposited the dazed politician in a park in Glasgow with a stack of pamphlets and a bullhorn.
According to their plan Sheridan soon started to accost passersby with his Russian revolution-tinged rhetoric and his very brown and shouty face.
Speaking to us, a member of the secretive fringe conservative strike force said, “Tommy’s the perfect guy to sink the independence plans while appearing to work for them. He’s loud, he’s obnoxious, he seems to hate the English and he’s so pro-Scots that he’s made himself into the colour of Irn Bru”
“We confidently predict that his love of perjury, adultery and calling crowds of people ‘brothers and sisters’ from on top of buses like he was Trotsky or something will get that bloody irritatingly pandering that even First Minister Salmond will eventually take a minute to reconsider the benefits of being ruled by Westminster.”
The founder of the annoyingly named political group Solidarity is also known to have joined his fellow grating polemicist George Galloway by appearing in a series of Celebrity Big Brother. Though Sheridan did not dress up in a skintight cat themed leotard like Galloway, many believe that his performance in the BB house wherein he attempted to discuss socialism with Coolio and a Sugababe did little to help his total political revolution
SNP voter Dale McCaffrey told us, “I consider myself a leftist in politics and I do think that our wee country could benefit from cutting off from the London politicos who-at best- ignore our needs. But then again, in saying all that I’d be siding with this bellowing, Glaswegian twat-hammer. It’s a complicated issue. I’m going to have to side with Cameron on this one. Ugh, my soul hurts just saying that.”
Many political analysts believe that this stress- between being forced to side with the overbearing Sheridan and the David Cameron (who is a cunt)- will ensure that no person turns out to vote either way on the independence referendum for fear of aligning themselves with an absolute cretin.
Even though he was made aware of the machinations behind his explosion filled release, Sheridan remained adamant in his campaigning, saying, “Oh my Brothers, I am all too aware of the manipulative aristocrat upper class ploy to crush the People’s movement toward a glorious free state. But I will NOT stop working for the proletariat, to lift the boot of Westminster oppression and say in one voice: ‘No! we shall be free!’ Join us, my brothers and sisters!”
Following the speech several people edged away from Sheridan, claiming that, when you think about it, there are a lot of sides to the argument.
MM
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