Sex Education to be Replaced by Showing of Von Trier’s ‘Antichrist’

Conservative MP Andrea Leadsom has tackled the thorny issue of sex education by announcing today that the subject will be handled by a one-off showing of Danish filmmaker Lars Von Trier’s 2009 film Antichrist

Leadsom announced: “Too much material on the subject seems to endorse pre-marital sex or portray it as a jolly, positive experience. We do need to educate our children on the detailed mechanics of sexual congress but at the same time we must convey that sex can often have unforseen consequences and lead to a symbolist horror story about the dread of nature.”

“Mr. Von Trier’s film accomplishes both of these goals very well.”

The film notoriously opens with a graphic scene in which the Green Goblin has sex with Charlotte Gainsbourg in a shower; a scene that was shot using detailed prosthetics usually used in pornography that the Tory MP deemed ‘mechanically precise enough to serve as an anatomical lesson’

MP Leadsom told us: “What is refreshing in such a graphic scene is that there’s no real sense of love or lust here. Rather it is shot with a sense of eerie foreboding that I think would be ideal to instill in our children, considering the rate of teenage pregnancies. The slow motion, the black and white and the inclusion of Willem Defoe’s face- all of this add to the creepiness.”

“Also the scene culminates with a toddler falling out of a window because its parents were busy boning. This is a very real risk and we want to warn youngsters that sex isn’t all fun and games: people can and do fall to their deaths as a result of your actions.”

MP Leadsom’s popular championing of the film has come after she criticized and ultimately banned a series of interactive BBC films on the subject that she felt were ‘exactly like porn’.

The hardcore cartoon educational tool available through BBC Active, as well as certain seedier sites on the internet, was pilloried for its explicit cartoon content which aimed to show innocent children promiscuous cartoon characters banging away at each other like feral chimps on poppers.

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“If we must show this kind of content to our youth it must be with the proper tone of existential dread. We should be preparing them for sexual maturity and Lars Von Trier’s film shows sex not as a happy pastime but as the desperate last attempt to glue together a disintegrating relationship after a tragedy. That’s far more realistic and responsible.”

The film has also been lauded for approaching the delicate subject of birth and miscarriage by the inclusion of a scene where Defoe comes across a deer with a still born foal hanging out of its rear like a big bushy tail made of offal.

MP Leadsom concluded: “We feel that even subjects like female castration and....genital piercing are covered in the film’s last third with remarkable sensitivity and tact. Let me repeat; this is not about scaring our kids away from the notion of sex. No. We simply want to educate them that sometimes it can lead to someone staving in your tadger with a lump of wood.”

“As Charlotte Gainsborg’s character ‘She’ says: “Nature is Satan’s church.””


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