Petrol Prices Soar as Australian Bandit Gang Claims Refinery

Motorists are being warned that they are facing a chronic fuel shortage as Coryton refinery- one of Britain’s largest oil refineries- has closed down and has subsequently become surrounded by a rag-tag group of violent australian bandits who appear to be eager to claim the last of the fuel reserves.

The closure of the Essex refinery-which supplies around a fifth of the fuel in the region and 10 per cent of the UK’s supplies- is thought to have accelerated the spread of desperate road dwelling raiders who have been reported as forcing cars from the road in order to syphon off their supplies of precious diesel or petrol.

The refinery announced its closure two days ago as the it’s Swiss parent company Petroplus said talks with its lenders had broken down and it would be filing for insolvency. The closure is said to bring the loss of up to 1,000 UK jobs and the lives of anyone who stays to defend the dwindling supplies of black gold with flamethrowers or ad hoc weapons crafted from boomerangs.

Today the gang leader who identified himself as ‘Lord Humungous’ told Coryton staff, the assembled media and a lone wanderer to “Just walk away”

The large, leather clad man, said from a speaker system installed in his battered dune buggy: “I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Give me your pump, the oil, the gasoline, and the whole compound, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk away and we'll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror”

However the staff at the South east England refinery, presumably wishing to keep their jobs as long as possible simply fired their flamethrowers toward the circle of bandits in a show of defiance.

Petrol retailers warned Treasury minister Danny Alexander in a face-to-face meeting that the crisis at the Coryton refinery in Essex was only the start and that soon the shortage of fuel and the high prices in forecourts would see instances of gangs like the one that follows Lord Humungous becoming a more and more common sight on British motorways.


RMI Petrol chairman Brian Madderson said: “We have to have governmental support for this country’s native oil and petrol outlets, otherwise the sad spectacle of bandits in cobbled together armour, multi-coloured mohawks wielding basic bladed weaponry rampaging through the land, taking fuel by force will become a fact of life”

In response to the gang violence Prime Minister David Cameron has proposed building highly fortified ‘bartertowns’ which would serve as safe ports of harbour where travellers could safely rest and not be subject to looting that would otherwise be common along the A1

The spiralling cost of fuel has been a source of concern for years now,but the emergence of the large gang of Australians on their customized muscle cars and dirt bikes may force the government’s hand in enforcing the rationing of petrol supplies, experts predict.

PM Cameron added that he wished that he could go to “the yesterday land in the long-long ago”


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