US Forced to Make Do With 3,244 Nuclear Warheads

US President Barrack Obama yesterday announced plans for a ‘leaner’ military, following the conflict in the middle east. Critics are pointing out that a proposed spending cut like this will leave America with a scant 3,244 nuclear warheads, 16,000 tanks 10,000 fighter jets and helicopters and under twenty three mile long aircraft carriers

“I guess we’ll have to muddle along” said General Rufus Pyle today.

Obama’s far-reaching defence review is thought to be a necessary accounting measure after this month’s troop recall and the United State’s official retraction from Iraq and Afghanistan. In the review the President announced that proposed research initiatives into ‘doomsday devices’ would be temporarily halted, spending would be halved on fighter jets that are capable of firing buzzsaws covered in napalm and -perhaps most galling to the military industrial complex- there would be a 3% cut in manufacture of assault rifles for domestic sale outside schools

“Our nation will simply have to manage with the absurd stockpile of death we already possess,” claimed the president to audible boos, “I know it doesn’t seem like having the military capability of annihilating all life on the planet 37 times over, with enough left to punch a hole in the moon is enough, but we must temporarily satisfy ourselves with the extent of our arsenal at this time.”

However the spending review has drawn criticism from high ranking military officials. Four star General Lyle Fufflebum told us: “I had my eye on this new kind of tank that was in development. It was 700 feet tall and it fired smaller tanks instead of shells. It was shaped like an enormous lion and when it roared it emitted a gas that turned skin into acid. God, it was beautiful. It was always on fire. But I suppose in this climate such necessities must be excised. This would never have happened under Bush. There was a man who understood the necessity of keeping a constant river of guns flowing.”

“Our nation values two things: innovation and big bloody death machines. This President has effectively put an end to our ‘hurricane gun’ program, the plans for a new kind of super nuke that made napalm instead of radiation and of course our Skynet initiative”

Fufflebum continued: “I mean, sure, I suppose we have an embarrassment of nuclear weapons, but I just feel like our enemies aren’t intimidated by absolute nullifying nuclear fire any more. That’s why we need a thriving, cash munching military to ensure we’re always on the forefront of abominable ways to kill human beings with machines”

“Did you know that if Egypt had ten times more tanks than it does then it would almost have as many tanks as us? A chilling figure, but now our manufacture of tanks will slow to a crawl. I for one oppose this peacenik garbage.”

Though President Obama promised that his ‘leaner’ military would be more adaptable and mobile many still fear that this move will leave the country behind in the race to end the world before the Mayans predicted.

Analysts predict that this move has left the President open to attack from the Conservative candidates who may pander to the American public’s eternal bloodlust with promises of larger, stranger and more numerous automated jet powered death cannons


FP