Nation’s Unemployed to Become Daily Mail Journalists

Despite opposition from Labour and the church the Government has announced that it will be going ahead with its proposed welfare reform that will curb ‘handouts’ to the elderly, the ill, children and the needy.

The controversial two-tier reform will firstly introduce a cap on claims and secondly help long-term unemployed citizens into entry level journalism careers with the Daily Mail where they will be required to write furious invective directed at those still on welfare.

Describing the proposed employment scheme, the Daily Mail’s Vitriol editor Wayne Digby told us: “In these troubled times there’s only a few booming industries, and spewing hatred at benefits cheats and anyone who is Polish and not a brain surgeon from the pages of our paper is definitely one of them”

“Our ‘Infuriate the middle classes’ section has been growing for years now and we simply have to expand it. This means that we are willing to take on hordes of the filthy unemployed and turn them into something valuable: a journalist who tracks down people who have the gall to be making more than a tu’penny fivepence from the state and writes an article calling them a dingy parasite.”

“It’s time these people contributed to society. Like us journalists.”

Digby continued, “It won’t be easy work. They’ll have to track down commoners with as many children in their dank Doncaster flats as there are fleas. They’ll have to persuade them to pose for photographs looking smug and holding wads of money. Then our journos will have to write a piece that both infers that they are foreign and somehow makes a squalid life on benefits seem like a daring criminal enterprise like Ocean’s Eleven”

Meanwhile long term claimant Phillip Glass told us: “Well, the dream’s over. I knew this bubble would burst eventually, but it’s been a helluva ride. I guess I’ll have to nip out and get a job tomorrow then. I hear that every place is hiring right now.” Mr. Glass then sped away in his platinum ferrari, lighting a cigar with a stack of employment offers from lucrative investment firms.

In the wake of the announcement of benefits cuts millions the Government has said that it expects that unemployed britons shall wake up tomorrow, finally stop faffing around and finally just get a job.

Benefits claimant Danny Glover, who has been on welfare for over a year, told us: “Yes, I suppose I have been taking the piss a bit, but it’s simply too easy to just sign on, go into the jobcentre every couple of weeks and pick up my cheque for seven thousand pounds. In fact, in the last little while they’ve just been giving out fistfulls of rubies instead.”

“It makes me wonder why I’ve been living in a bedsit with no heating, eating boiled potatoes and lighting the flat by setting fire to the mounds of rejection letters from Morrison’s chicken counter. I suppose one has to keep up an image of destitution”

“Even though, as we all know being on the dole is fucking ace! I’m living da vida loca!”


MM