Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Pippa Middleton’s Arse Pregnant

In surprise royal news, Kate Middleton’s sister has today given the happy announcement that her arse has been impregnated and is currently gestating a baby.

The famous posterior-haver, whose fundament propelled her to deserved and lasting fame after she upstaged her sister at her wedding to Prince William with her form fitting bum-centric dress has today announced, after weeks of speculation that she is expecting her first child which is currently only seven weeks old and living in her rump.

The news comes only a few days after concerns were raised when Kate Middleton was taken ill, suffering from an extreme form of morning sickness (known as Hyperemesis gravidarum) as her system fights to cope with the bizarre genetic tangle of rampant inbreeding, gingerness, reptilian DNA and biologically encoded dominion over the British isles and the Falklands. 

This aristocratic cocktail of venomous embryonic fluids traditionally necessitated the use of around seventeen peasants who would house a royal embryo for a brief period before it would overpower their proletarian bodies and kill them, at which point the child would be moved to the next host until it was deemed ready by the archbishop of Canterbury. However, Kate Middleton has chosen to brave a ‘natural’ birth, which experts have warned could tax her mere upper-middle-class frame. This recent medical distress is thought to be merely the first symptom of the Coming of the King. Kate is currently expected to deliver the royal thing in a specially designed chamber similar to the one from the end of Prometheus.

However, despite the ovarian drama of her sister now all eyes are on Pippa Middleton’s lovely bottom once again, as her baby grows within her.

Speculation over the identity of the father, the sex of the bum-child and the possibility of twins has consumed the media today, though Pippa has declined to comment on any of these subjects, simply stating that she was delighted at the news, expressed worry for her sister and joked that she would have to retire her famous cheek-hugging dresses as the growth of the child inflated her rear flanks.

The socialite and party planner is already courting book and magazine offers from publishing houses keen to cash in on the chronicles of her unusual pregnancy.

Pippa has stated that her child is expected in August 2013, while Kate Middleton’s future ruler is due to be born, according to Royal Illuminati doctors ‘in the hour of wolves in the third reaping moon of the red season. So late July maybe’


Turner Prize Accidentally Won by Stray Mule

The art world is reeling today, after the coveted Turner Prize, given annually to the top conceptual artists from around Britain, was won by a large brown donkey which wandered into the Tate gallery by accident and defecated onto a discarded crisp packet.

The donkey which escaped a nearby sanctuary and wandered into the gallery at roughly the time of the exhibition’s opening reportedly left through an open stable door and found an empty and comfortable space in the installation of an artist known only as ‘[ . ]’. The installation, (called ‘Trough Cunt Blair Paedo Buckaroo 548865’) was designed as an empty stable to reflect the meaningless of capitalist culture but made a comfortable home for the seven year old one eyed farmyard animal who stayed there for several days eating discarded hors d'oeuvres and sleeping on symbolic bails of hay.

Gallery security have apologized for the mistake, stating that they simply thought that the introduction of a loose donkey was probably part of a Soho art student’s statement about imperialism, or social networking or ‘the West’ or horses or feminism or something.

The cautiousness of the staff has been justified by the notorious incidents where, in 2010 a janitor tidied away a pile of rubbish that was actually a piece of art by Theodore Quunt; a brilliant deconstruction of post-modern sanitation regulation and a similar incident in 2011 when a diligent janitor fixed a flickering light which turned out to be the totality of Elaine Surname’s piece ‘Yes, It’s Just a Flickering Light’, which went on to win the prize.

The pooing ass- which has been identified as ‘Sandy’ by its stable- won out over entries such as Peyton Westlake’s ‘China 17th April 1943’ which is two formaldehyde tanks which display the two halves of Damien Hirst’s cadaver and Pazio Linguatico’s ‘Memoryscapes #396’; an installation piece in which a visibly confused and distressed Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown had been lured into a perspex sphere with seven badgers and three metaphors.

Other entrants, such as Mary McGuire, whose ‘flowers’ was a quite nice watercolour painting of some flowers and Horton Del whose installation was a sealed empty room which no one was ever allowed to see, have been vocally outraged that the stray donkey has upstaged their art and undermined the very, very important award

Before being exposed as being simply a lost mule the installation drew rave reviews from papers such as the Guardian, whose arts correspondent Delilah Muv claimed it, ‘explored the liminal space between contemporary aesthetics and livestock’ and Peter Grayditch of the Times who called its persistent braying a ‘vibrant discussion of what it means to be an individual in today’s wi-fi, twitter, fax machine pseudo-‘society’’

Charles Saatchi today commented on the upset in a press conference earlier today, wherein he gave reporters an enigmatic smile, shrugged and said ‘art’ seventeen times at different volumes and with differing tones to a standing ovation.

It is currently unknown what the donkey or its owners will do with the prize money, though Sandy is already courting offers for further works, including a proposed installation by Tracey Emin wherein the controversial artist plans to ride the famous mule around a neon reconstruction of Robert Mugabe’s face while in blackface


Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Exhumation of Arafat’s Tomb Unleashes Mummy

Efforts to exhume the body of the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat, from a mausoleum in the West Bank have faced a setback today as a bandaged, shambling undead monstrosity has emerged from the tomb, significantly interfering with Palestinian authorities’ investigation into whether Arafat was poisoned or not.

The mysteriously shrouded figure, who bears a striking resemblance to the possibly assassinated world leader has been sighted interfering with scientific equipment, summoning scarabs and chasing Brendan Fraser around the final resting places, though first hand accounts of the figure are scarce due to the unexpected sandstorm in the shape of a screaming face that has consumed the area ever since the team opened the tomb.

Despite being warned by an elderly, scarred middle eastern man, the scientific team, led by John Hannah, dismissed the talk of ancient forces and curses issued by Ra as ‘superstitious hogwash’ and proceeded on to the dig site so as to confirm or dismiss rumours of Israeli involvement in Arafat’s death. Though Arafat was 79 at the time of his death foul play has long been suspected

In 2005, the New York Times obtained a copy of Arafat's medical records from two Israeli journalists  According to the records, Arafat's illness began four hours after he ate a meal on the evening of 12 October 2004 inside the Muqataa presidential compound. According to sources close to Arafat, this meal was found to contain an unusual number of asps- a venomous snake, the milk of which Arafat is rumored to have drunk in private to maintain both his beauty and his hatred of Israelis

Though he was rushed to hospital, Arafat died shortly afterward and was (as his will demanded) embalmed, mummified, buried with all of his gold and servants and placed in a room full of boobytraps and deadly puzzles.However, mounting tension necessitated the confirmation of his cause of death.

Having opened the mausoleum the scientific team, led by several renowned adventurers, communicated to Palestinian officials at 11:09am that the expedition was going well and that they were about to open Arafat’s tomb. However shortly after a member of the party picked up a mysterious musty book written in an ancient language and read from it, communication from the team ceased.

Many experts are suspecting that the reading of Arafat’s full name (Mohammed Yasser Abdel Rahman Abdel Raouf Arafat al-Qudwa Al-Husseini) backwards is thought to be connected with the appearance of the shambling figure which is suspected of being responsible of reducing the scientific team to husks, as if the life had been drained from them somehow

Though several men with arcane symbols drawn on their faces have come forward to claim that opening the tomb will spell an age of darkness and chaos for the region, most middle eastern analysts remain confused as to how anyone will be able to tell the difference.