Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Pippa Middleton’s Arse Pregnant

In surprise royal news, Kate Middleton’s sister has today given the happy announcement that her arse has been impregnated and is currently gestating a baby.

The famous posterior-haver, whose fundament propelled her to deserved and lasting fame after she upstaged her sister at her wedding to Prince William with her form fitting bum-centric dress has today announced, after weeks of speculation that she is expecting her first child which is currently only seven weeks old and living in her rump.

The news comes only a few days after concerns were raised when Kate Middleton was taken ill, suffering from an extreme form of morning sickness (known as Hyperemesis gravidarum) as her system fights to cope with the bizarre genetic tangle of rampant inbreeding, gingerness, reptilian DNA and biologically encoded dominion over the British isles and the Falklands. 

This aristocratic cocktail of venomous embryonic fluids traditionally necessitated the use of around seventeen peasants who would house a royal embryo for a brief period before it would overpower their proletarian bodies and kill them, at which point the child would be moved to the next host until it was deemed ready by the archbishop of Canterbury. However, Kate Middleton has chosen to brave a ‘natural’ birth, which experts have warned could tax her mere upper-middle-class frame. This recent medical distress is thought to be merely the first symptom of the Coming of the King. Kate is currently expected to deliver the royal thing in a specially designed chamber similar to the one from the end of Prometheus.

However, despite the ovarian drama of her sister now all eyes are on Pippa Middleton’s lovely bottom once again, as her baby grows within her.

Speculation over the identity of the father, the sex of the bum-child and the possibility of twins has consumed the media today, though Pippa has declined to comment on any of these subjects, simply stating that she was delighted at the news, expressed worry for her sister and joked that she would have to retire her famous cheek-hugging dresses as the growth of the child inflated her rear flanks.

The socialite and party planner is already courting book and magazine offers from publishing houses keen to cash in on the chronicles of her unusual pregnancy.

Pippa has stated that her child is expected in August 2013, while Kate Middleton’s future ruler is due to be born, according to Royal Illuminati doctors ‘in the hour of wolves in the third reaping moon of the red season. So late July maybe’


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