Monday, 4 March 2013

Rivers of Unknown Pink Slime found under Site of Thatcher Statue

Plans to erect a statue of Margaret Thatcher in her home town of Grantham have today been put on hold due to the discovery of rivers of strange, unguent ectoplasmic slime converging in the sewers beneath the site.

The unidentified material, which has appeared seemingly from nowhere has been found flowing from all directions underground to the central point where the statue of the Iron Lady is due to be erected.

The viscous liquid, dubbed 'Psychomagnotheric Slime' by Dr Egon Spengler, has been found clogging up Grantham waterworks, contaminating the local water supply and conjuring undead trains as it travels inexorably (and in many cases uphill and against the current) toward the site of the proposed statute, where thirteen people, seven cats, and a priest yesterday suffered fatal aneurysms.

The slime, which has been noted reacting to negative human emotions and opening portals to allow ghosts entry into our realm has been collected by a team of scientific experts is apparently similar to a substance found in New York in 1989. The notorious incident saw  slime cover the Manhattan Museum of Art until a motown infused statue of liberty smashed through the shell.

Grantham Council has strenuously denied the possibility of a similar situation befalling the small Lincolnshire town, although they have admitted to being unable to stem the flow of the slime, which has been seen leaking from taps in the area and taking the form of a kind of shrieking anti-unionist face.

The slime is said to be unconnected with a spate of unexplained incidents around the site of the statue. Many Grantham residents have noted that any spilled milk immediately flows toward the site, while others have been distressed by the amount of birds that fall dead from the air as they pass over the area as their hearts burst in their chests.

Dr Spengler has warned the local council that the fear and hate engendered by these incidents have appeared to increase the slime activity, alleging that the substance feeds off of the negative emotions it causes, much like the Conservative party itself

Controversially, many conservatives have opposed the building of the statue, claiming that it ‘goes against the Baroness’ wishes”. Instead many Tory MPs have prepared a list of possibilities that may be more fitting, including a catapult that indiscriminately fires boulders into Scotland, a sheath of vinegar-soaked razorwire that could be fitted on a jobcentre, a black seven hundred foot obsidian spike with a coalminer on the end, or a simple statue of a boot stamping on a human face -forever.

Thatcher, (also known as the ‘Scourge of Carpathia’ or the ‘Sorrow of Moldovia’) has made little comment about the cross-party furore since she has retired from public life to spend more time living in a haunted painting. However when approached for comment, Baroness Thatcher told us: “Death is but a door, Time is but a window. I’ll be back”


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