Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Ri Sol-Ju Selects Katie Holmes as Maid of Honour

The controversial and entirely consensual  marriage of North Korea’s chubby faced fascist Kim Jong-Un and ex pop singer Ri Sol-Ju has  attracted more attention today when it was revealed that Ms. Sol-Ju has insisted that- for the official marriage ceremony- the Ex-Dawson’s Creek actress Katie Holmes should be selected as the Maid of Honour.

The unusual choice is thought to be a result of the Batman Begins actress’s recent marriage to level-headed scientologist megastar Tom Cruise who many are comparing to North Korea’s divisive leader Kim Jong-Un.


The diminutive and isolated fanatic is known to incite excited fervor amongst his followers. In his secure compound he has cultivated an aura of intense mystery and fascination around what many suspect as being  clandestine and illegal activities that should be under investigation by the UN. He also recently starred in Rock of Ages.

An Unnamed North korean insider told us: “The stresses of living with a total mentalist who thinks that he’s the embodiment of all of the energy of the universe is a tough thing for a new bride. Between choosing a dress, planning the wedding’s theme, visiting her family in their concentration camp and inviting all of her friends it’s bound to be a strain. Add to that the fact that Ri will also be dealing with a husband who fervently believes that his soul is magic, that he can fire missiles from his brain made of communist thought energy and that his malnourished country of sad eyed skeleton people will rise up to conquer the west...well, the bride could well develop cold feet. That may be why she is seeking expert help.”

“There are very few women in the world who will be able to guide Ri Sol-Ju from a career of mediocre entertainment to a career of fellating a four foot psychopath who thinks he can blow up America with lazer thought bombs given to him by an alien king/ghost of a father who is a god. Katie Holmes is one of those people.”

Holmes, who is fresh from an amicable divorce hearing in which she reluctantly promised Mr. Cruise ownership of all of her ancestor’s energy signatures that live inside her aura in exchange for a settlement of eighty seven million dollars, has made no official reply as yet.

However it is thought that she has already sent Ri Sol-Ju an encouraging letter which details various warnings about the pitfalls of being attached to such a public figure who also happens to think that rainbows are a direct result of his happy thoughts. Ms Holmes is also rumoured to have counselled the merits of ‘going dead inside’ and advised that hobbies are a good idea. Holmes endorsed her favourite hobby of digging holes in the dead of night while a papier mache version of yourself lay in your guarded room.


Though officially married, Kim Jong-Un will be holding a public wedding ceremony in October for the edification of his people. The ceremony- scheduled for two days after America is ‘shattered by my great nation’s kryptonite neutron rockets’- will be held in the couple’s palatial home to a delighted audience and several hundred men with machine guns.

Korean officials state that the ceremony is still open to Ms Holmes unless she is busy pursuing her career of making movies mediocre.


Monday, 30 July 2012

Polls Show the Majority of the Olympics Being Watched for Wrong Reasons

Despite their impressive viewing figures and the revenue being generated, television watchdog Ofcom has published findings today which suggest that up to 65% of the people tuning in to watch the London Olympics are doing so for entirely unwholesome reasons.

In a poll carried out in part by the BBC’s online service, partly through the monitoring of viewing times and partly through an online questionnaire, Ofcom has warned Olympic organizers that, despite its billing as the definitive test of human physical aptitude and a generation’s largest sporting challenge, the majority of people tuning in seem to be more interested in women’s beach volleyball and foreigners falling off of poles.



Olympic spokesperson Sally Gunnel told us : “There will always be a section of the public who will be more interested in women’s tennis than the slightly less noise-centric fare like archery or hammer throwing but these figures are truly surprising. According to this only around one hundred and four people actually watched our fencing coverage, while twenty seven million people watched the trampolining event.”

“It really makes you think about your priorities.”

So far the event which is expected to see the most viewer interest will be the women’s gymnastics. An opinion poll show that while three percent are interested in seeing the sport, an unprecedented seventy percent admit to tuning in to watch flexible young women spin about on pommels while grunting. Even more upsettingly the remaining twenty seven percent admit that they will be watching for the chance to see the spectacle of lithe polish teenagers weeping in leotards.


Oh yes.

Ofcom official Jemimah Fiddletuck has stated; “Our polls show that while a good chunk of our audience is looking for a strangely specific fetish- like athletic women being disappointed in sandpits- the larger section are those who seem to be expecting some kind of disaster. Weight lifting is always a crowd pleaser with the prominent threat of a squat barrel-like man getting a hernia or aneurysm or just making a big mess on the floor.”

“Meanwhile pole vaulting, the javelin and archery are being heavily recorded and Tivo’d. We think that this is largely down to the high probability of fit people from other countries falling down embarrassingly or skewering a bystander with a large piece of sporting equipment”

“We haven’t seen anything this base or disappointing since our coverage of the paralympic judo event broke all known records”


Oh god yes.

However in light of these recent viewer demands the BBC has responded by giving viewers the option of switching to an optional audio track during specific events which replaces the commentary with soft saxophone music. This option also increases the frequency of slow motion replays and is being introduced in time for the female Handball event (in which the Brazilian team is heavily favoured).


Findings Suggest Reducing Salt Intake ‘Worse than Cancer’

The World Cancer research fund (WCRF) has released findings today that indicate that cutting the intake of foods that are high in sodium chloride like bacon, pizza and rough handfuls of rock salt would significantly reduce the threat of stomach cancer.

However, in response to this claim a coalition of portly blokes from Essex named Barry have come forward to declare its counter-findings: namely that a saltless diet has been found to be just as bad, if not worse than having untreatable stomach tumours. The findings-  taken from the group’s study which was carried out  by closely observing the people going into Pret-a-Manger through the window of the Red Lion pub- has caused a stir in both the scientific and fat bloke communities.


The coalition of rotund plumbers and bricklayers have come out strongly against  legislation that would limit the sale of high salt foodstuffs, making the purchase of deep fried pizzas, hotdog stuffed doughnuts or shoulders of ham boiled in butter much harder for the british consumer.

Lead bloke Barry Butcher told us : “this proposed legislation is just not in keeping with today’s britain. Just as previous generations have defined our country through, say, the spirit of the blitz or its regal austerity we must say that the main thing that unites all modern britons is a deep and abiding love of Gregg’s. It’s what makes us who we are.”

However despite their overall opposition, the coalition has come out in support of plans to more clearly label foodstuffs that are the WCRF consider dangerous, going so far as to propose labels of their own making. These range from a thumbs up sign to a picture of Ricky Tomlinson eating a  gammon steak to a small picture of Jamie Oliver gently weeping near a chubby six year old.


Though leading nutritional scientists and doctors have stated that the link between a diet’s sodium levels and the risk of cancer are medically convincing the portly blokes have countered by claiming that the link between a platefull of cumberland sausages soaked in gravy and a well nice, slap-up dinner were far more pressing and reliable

“If anyone here is an expert on salt consumption here it’s us. When it comes to trusting a source on the positives and negatives of inhaling service station pasties, are you going to trust some anaemic doctor or are you going to trust a lorry driver from Doncaster who can play keepy-up with his own tits? the answer is simple; trust the experts. Salt males things fookin’ delicious."


The coalition went on to show several slides that linked the consumption of cous-cous with being a ‘massive bender’ and their studies which reveal a possible link between levels of vitamin D and the tendency to be a speccy twat who is no good at darts.

Butcher continued “There are a lot of angles to consider in terms of diet. Low sodium levels may well cut the risk of one malady (cancer) but it puts you directly in the firing line of a more serious issue (not eating twelve inch meat feast pizzas any more).”

“We simply want to present both sides of the argument.”

Cockney Street Urchins Gearing up for Olympics

A new study released by the Home office suggests that vuvuzela salesmen, the team of satirists controlling Boris Johnson and Sebastian Coe are not the only people to be positively affected by London’s hosting of the 2012 olympic games; cockney street urchins, pickpockets and homeless ruffians have seen a marked increase in their income with financial experts claiming that the summer event could bring their largely defunct profession back to the nation’s capital.


Economists have noted the sharp decrease in cheeky coal covered chancers on the streets of the nation’s capital, a fact that has all but exterminated the previously lucrative profession of child catcher, thief trainer and wholesale orphan supplier that had been so prevalent during the city’s boom years.

Economist Oliver Jaggers told us : “The city of London used to be the centre of the world and in that time children as young as seven could easily earn a decent living by shining shoes, nicking wallets from unsuspecting society types or simply assembling a posse of grubby faced urchins and menacing someone with a switchblade.”

The upturn in cockney crime has also seen a resurgence in rosey-cheeked whores selling their wares on street corners or under bridges and the ever-present rippers that prey on them, news that has been welcomed by the Tourist Board and the makers of Crimewatch


Durham University’s chief Cockneyologist Dr. Raymond W Stone told us; “The natural state of the cockney is ripping off middle class ‘tossers’ and ‘scarpering’ from the ‘rozzers’ and inventing new and colourful rhyming slang terms for police officers. despite the invention of Vinnie Jones in the late nineties, which corrupted this ideal, the influx of tourists standing about on tube stations looking confused while holding big maps with expensive cameras around their necks has been like a catalyst to the traditional cockney.”

Nominal pearly king and  mayor Boris Johnson has introduced measures to control Cockney behaviour, such as increasing the number of chubby policemen on the street corners who are tasked with chasing after rapscallions who pinch apples from fruit stalls while shouting “Oi you little terror come back ‘ere!”. London’s social services are also being revamped, with Orphanage representatives being offered incentives to wander the foggy streets at dusk ringing a copper bell  shouting “Boys for sale” (a measure that was previously confined to certain streets of soho)


Despite their popularity with the tourists cockney chancers have proven elusive with most denying involvement in the thriving trade. One such youth told us  “I ain’t done nuffink, gov. i wa’nt even there. I was out wiv my ol’ china Pete; he’ll vouch for us. Say, that’s a fancy watch you got there, squire. Can I ‘av a quick butchers?”


Monday, 23 July 2012

Death of Oswaldo Paya ‘Not Suspicious’ Claims Note Pinned to his Corpse

The prominent Cuban dissident and human rights activist Oswaldo Paya has been found dead in what many are journalists are loudly calling an accident while looking nervously around the room.

Despite being a vocal thorn in the side of cuba’s one party system Paya’s death is being treated as accidental. Paya, 60, was perhaps best known for  his involvement in the Varela Project - a campaign to gather signatures in support of a referendum on laws guaranteeing civil rights. Paya took charge of the controversial project after his predecessor killed himself by setting his house on fire and then blowing himself up in his car with three pounds of C4

Cuban dissident Oswaldo Paya pictured in December 2007 while delivering to the National Assembly a letter requesting a general amnesty for political prisoners (file pic) 

In May 2002, Paya presented Cuba's National Assembly with a petition of more than 10,000 signatures calling for an end to four decades of one-party rule. It is this courageous action against the country’s communist leadership that is thought to be in no way connected to his demise at all

It was in the early hours of this  morning when  Mr Paya’s body was found in his car which had ‘run into a tree’. Paya, who has been described as a caring man, a loving father and a man who could not previously drive, was taken from the vehicle as paramedics and several unnamed men in smart black suits pronounced him dead on the scene.

A preliminary coroner’s report has confirmed that Paya’s blood showed him being well over the legal limit of both alcohol and arsenic, which many are speculating  may have lead to the tragic crash. Officials have also concluded that Paya would have been transporting several dozen knives and handguns in his lap due to the quantity of cuts and gunshot wounds found on the body. Sources close to paya are have come forward to say that he often liked to drive recklessly on cliff roads while taking the safety catches off of pistols he liked to leave on his crotch.


However it was the note that Paya left on his chest, secured by a rusty dagger that confirmed the death as accidental. “this is accidental, look no further”, the missive read. Cuban news outlets are speculating that due to the many Government enemies Paya had, he wished to quell any conspiracies with his dying breath. Paya then doused himself in gasoline, set himself alight, pulled his own tongue out and separated his head from his body.

Cuban police have stated that Paya’s death is a tragic piece of bad luck for which no one is responsible.

Announcing Paya’s death from the steps of party headquarters an unnamed cuban representative who happened to be holding what looked like a brake lead and a hatchet gave his deepest condolences to Paya’s family and said he hoped that other activists would not be perturbed by the news.

The man then laughed for several minutes while firing a pistol into the air and crowd