Thursday, 23 August 2012

Republican Politicians Press for Criminal Prosecution of Ellen Ripley

In what is becoming a landmark case for the embattled American Republican Party on the subject of abortion, American lawmakers are today being lobbied to find Weyland Yutani employee Ellen Ripley guilty for the practice of repeated unlawful termination of pregnancy.

The GOP, which is attempting to pass laws against abortion even in cases of sexual assault, incest and intergalactic xenomorphic face-rape has, in the past few months, made Ms. Ripley’s workplace misconduct tribuneral the centrepiece of their ‘pro-life’ agenda, citing her repeated insistence ending the gestations of pregnancy by the use of flamethrowers, pulse rifles and smelting plants overseen by Pete Postlethwaite as an ugly example of the left wing’s healthcare agenda

The defendant 

Todd Akin, who drew fire from the Democrats when he explained that women could shut down their reproductive organs
-like a shop- when sexually assaulted was again vocal on the case of Ripley.

“I’m no doctor” claimed the congressman to a visibly shocked audience, “but i think we all know that the human body has the biological facility to close down when a facehugger attaches itself to you and pumps eggs down your larynx to gestate between your lungs and then burst from between your ribs. That’s why so very few expeditions to the planet LV-426 end up in full pregnancy. ”

He conceded, “Yes, there are a few cases of ‘legitimate’ chest-bursting. But we feel that statistically and medically these are in the minority and we are well within our rights to legislate against blowing embryos out of an airlock and into the cold void of space”

A legitimate rape

However, the Democrat party, several pressure groups and a small band of  rough and ready space marines have come out in support of Ripley’s astounding record of late-term abortions.

Ripley’s legal defender, PFC William Hudson told us, “A woman’s body is her own. We can’t make decisions for her and besides, there are unfortunate violent cases where to terminate a pregnancy is the right thing to do, such as in when an eyeless biomechanical horror from beyond the stars plants its progeny in your torso against your will. If we pass laws against abortion it’ll be game over, man, game over.”

Representatives of the Tea Party- who mostly come at night, mostly- have joined the campaign by protesting outside of congress and starting e-petitions calling for the jailing of Ellen Ripley for four hundred and seventy five counts of abortion, seventy counts of murder and almost a dozen counts of destruction of company property.


A Tea Party spokesman named David told us “Life is a precious thing, and big things have small beginnings. One can only imagine how the world would be if those lives had blossomed. Now, we understand that there will be a few legitimate cases rape that our laws will demand that the ‘victim’- or,  under our new legislation ‘criminal’- will be required to birth, either from their reproductive organs or through their ribcages, but we feel that life is precious and valuable. Unless you’re a mother.”

The criminal prosecution of Ellen Ripley is due to conclude in October. If found guilty miss Ripley will face a life sentence in an old metal factory with a bunch of bald blokes and a suspiciously pregnant dog.


Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Committee of Middle Aged Male Politicians to Finally Define Rape

Following controversial statements made by US congressman  Todd Akin and the anti-american cat impersonator George Galloway regarding the legal definition of rape made this week,  a joint UK/US committee of baffled middle aged men has been convened to finally produce definitive legislation about female reproductive rights.

The committee of thirty two men aged between fourty-five and sixty will meet in the Red Lion pub in Hackney on Thursday (after Top Gear) to finally sort out all the legislation pertaining to women’s reproductive rights, the legal status of sexual assaults and “all the other stuff that the missus gets in a tizzy about”.


The committee will be headed by Mr Galloway, who earlier stated that the sexual abuse charges levelled at Julian Assange’s would (if true) be considered nothing more than  “bad etiquette”, rather like eating the last Rollo  or not washing your hands after taking a piss. Mr Galloway went on to clarify what constituted secxual assualt or rape and what, in his very expert opinion, was just ‘bad form’ or 'unbecoming behaviour for a gentleman'

Under Mr Galloway’s new definition, currently incarcerated rapists -or ‘very rude people’ as they will be known- will have reduced sentences, while the treatment of rape victims will now be a strong cup of tea, five minutes to get themselves together and bus fare.

Speaking on Radio 4, the Respect MP claimed that, even if it was true that Mr Assange did sexually assault two women, it is likely that he was simply trying to extract records of American human rights abuses that had been hidden in their vaginas and should thus be saluted for his dedication to the truth. “Besides,” expanded the notoriously level-headed MP “who can even prove that women feel emotions like you or I? Are we to let the law be dictated by hysterical wives and mistresses? What if they’ve got the painters in- if you know what i mean?”


Meanwhile the Americans will be represented by US Congressman Akin, who has has faced criticism for wanting to draw distinctions between ‘legitimate rape’ and illegitimate rape’ live on the radio where people could hear him and everything.  Mr. Akin- speaking as a respected professor of Feminism- went on to offer further subcategories of sexual assault such as ‘half rape’, 'quasi-rape', 'rape-lite', ‘rape that turns out not to be so bad’, ‘rape done in the proper spirit’ 

Mr Akin has joined Mr Galloway in opining that women were made from velour, helium and pot pourri and thus could not be subjected to the same laws as men or some livestock. It was also brought up that women- who are mysterious and ever-shifting like the very oceans- can never truly be known, making it difficult to buy them birthday presents or make sexual crime legislation.

The committee- chaired jointly by Jim Davidson and Richard Littlejohn- claim they expect to resolve these sensitive issues quickly and sensibly due to the lack of female intervention, ‘gossip’ or ‘hysteria’

The committee are expected to put all female concerns right by the end of the week.


Monday, 13 August 2012

British Cynicism to Resume at 12pm

As the last of the fireworks died in the skies above the nation’s capital and the Spice Girls were quietly and humanely euthanized by a specialist team, the London 2012 Olympic Games came to an end with a triumphant ceremony that celebrated everything good to have ever come out of Britain;  chiefly, small cars, One Direction and Sally Gunnell

However, in keeping with NHS warnings about an excess of the alien concept of ‘national pride’ and ‘optimism’ that the event has been pumping insidiously into the national psyche, Olympics organisers have projected the image of a large clock in the skies of central London. The clock, which is counting down to a time when Britons can finally stop being upbeat and proud about Laura Trott and can go back to being mournful shambling shades who live only to whinge about the drizzle and the exorbitant mortgage rates.

The clock- shaped like the weeping face of Adrian Chiles- will reach the end of its countdown at noon today, at which point  a loud klaxon recording of Nick Griffin misquoting Churchill to incite football hooligans to kick Sikhs to death will be sounded- this is to remind the nation that it’s the proper time to resume feeling thoroughly defeated and bitter.

London Olympics 2012 Closing Ceremony by fashionfreak

“We have been worried about the medical ramifications of the Games for some time.” Claims NHS spokesperson Annette Shuttlebum  The British frame is simply not prepared to process ‘pride’ or ‘joy’. When the opening ceremonies turned out to NOT be something predictably disspiriting like the cast of Emmerdale wrestling in an old tarpaulin next to a Catherine wheel, backed by the sounds of Kasabian, well, the emergency rooms took in 200,000 people who were suffering from an anaphylactic shock.”

“We were prepared for anything except the slim possibility of it being anything other than a gigantic, mismanaged cock souffle.”

“When Greg Rutherford won the Men’s Long Jump gold, fourteen people died, their blood be upon him”

Greg Rutherford celebrates his gold medal for Great Britain in the long jump at the Olympics

NHS experts were said to be comfortable with the level of shambles leading up to the event, with the stadium being built by sarcastic thieves and, more recently Sebastian Coe shooting anyone who was not sponsored directly by Coca-Cola in the neck with a harpoon gun. However, when Danny Boyle’s opening extravaganza stirred somrthing alien and ancient and...warm in the British hearts, hospitals were notified to brace for the worst.

The opening celebration claimed many lives through the medical trauma associated with national goodwill but hospitals around the country have been warning the government that the continued positivity being generated by the event was threatening to overwhelm the nervous systems, claiming a death toll the equivalent of the population of Doncaster at the first sight of women’s boxing champion Natasha Jonas punching a lady with her cushioned fists.

Olympic Official Jessica Bumbridge assured us that the worst is over, “Now Chris Hoy has been put out to stud, the gold medals have been sent off by the athletes to Cash4Gold, and the sight of Tinchy Strider riding a Union Jack firework into the skies as a stadium of thousands joined in one voice to sing Duran Duran’s Hungry like the Wolf is starting to fade in our collective memory like the morning after an ecstasy trip”

“When the clock strikes 12, it’ll be like this never happened.”

Crowds of shoppers walk with umbrellas in the rain in Covent Garden, London. Photo: Linda Nylind

Steps are being taken to ease the public back into the normalcy of resigned fatalism and open weeping in the streets. the BBC’s post-Olympics coverage, for example, is being presented by four taciturn Yorkshiremen none of whom have much time for them bloody showoffs in ‘that London’, also any future televised discussion of the event is to be accompanied by a small window depicting the bleak and defeated face of Nick Clegg rotating like a kebab

It is expected that Britons will be back to moaning about the recession and commuting and Jamie Oliver’s weird mouth by Friday


Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Congress to Consider Revising Gun Laws Once “48% of Americans Have Been Shot in the Face”

Following the tragic events of the recent Wisconsin shooting and Colorado’s Aurora massacre President Obama has announced the need to review US gun control policy, which currently allows anyone with two hands and a terrifying thousand yard stare  to purchase however many high powered assault rifles that they like and as much C4 as their wheelbarrows can carry.

Members of Congress agreed with the President yesterday and a bill was passed that ensures that a limit on gun purchases will be passed as soon as gun fatalities in America exceed the ‘unacceptable level’ of fourty eight percent of the country’s population.

Acceptable for  home usage

“It is clear that a line must be drawn.” Claimed republican representative John Matrix , “but at the same time we cannot infringe on any American’s God given right to buy enough heavy ordinance to annex Poland. Our compromise is to install a cast-iron safeguard that if the amount of people that are shot in the face by psychotic white supremacists armed with automatic drum magazine AA12 shotguns with explosive, acid filled shells reaches just under half of the population then we WILL convene to think about meeting to draft a law to maybe curb the sale of heavy artillery in some parts of the country on Tuesdays.”

He continued, “Many of the Democratic candidates have taken to protesting about our lasseiz-faire attitude to handing out guns to whoever says that they really, really just want one, and have been pointedly asking how many such tragedies need to occur before we stop arming the mentally unstable. Well now you have your answer: three hundred and two thousand.”

However Congress has agreed to several measures to stem gun purchases out of respect for the victims. The fleet of vans which drive around neighbourhoods in the summer playing jingles from a speaker which sell handguns, uzi submachine guns and ice lollies are being decommissioned temporarily.

Acceptable for home usage

Many feel that the fault lies with the ease with which an American citizen can purchase seventeen bazookas. The current system, which demands that a firearm applicant present either a valid passport,  a note from their parents, four dollars or a human skull before they can gain a license has been called lax. The security protocol where gun buyers are required to pinkie swear that they won’t carry out any massacres has also had its efficacy brought into question.

However NRA president Travis Bickle has opposed Congress’s new measure, saying “It’s a right that’s guaranteed by the Constitution. If you know anything about the Constitution you will know that it’s never been changed or amended because of changes in society- changes like the development of heat seeking surface-to-air missiles, napalm shotguns or a new kind of bullet that can shoot through a lead car and still have enough force to explode a pony’s head.”

Acceptable for home usage

“So you can stow all that liberal nonsense about taking our guns away. If the price of having the RIGHT to buy enough ordinance to flatten Finland because i choose to is that several thousand innocent people have to be shot through the neck and lie dying in a panicked stampede as yet another lone gunman turns another building into an abattoir, well, that’s just the price of our precious, red white and blue freedom. This is America!”


Tuesday, 7 August 2012

North Korea Announces It Won All of the Olympics

Olympics news: In an historic sweep, North Korea has won every gold medal at the London 2012 Olympics, sources in the country’s media have confirmed today.

The news broke on the nation’s news channel KCTV (their motto: ‘KCTV: Fair and Balanced’) earlier today when the country’s newly-wed fascist leader and Olympic gold winning hurdler Kim Jong-Un arrived back in Pyongyang fresh from his flight from London’s olympic village, weighed down by six hundred and seventy two gold medals-  a new world record.

A KCTV opined this morning,   “It is a great sign of the undeniable athletic power of our nation under the unquestionable leadership of Kim Jong-Un- the strongest and fastest man who has ever lived

Despite a rocky start, where North korean athletes were introduced under South Korea’s flag, the notoriously fun loving nation were seen to laugh off the gaffe, and assured olympic officials that there were absolutely no hard feelings and it really didn’t matter to them anyway.

Kim Jong-Un’s reported performance at the games came as the real surprise however, with many sportsmen reportedly being surprised at the fact that a man leading one of the world’s most flourishing economies and military forces would have the time to become the best pole vaulter in the world. Others were reportedly incredulous at the sight of the Glorious Leader single handedly winning the rowing events and completing the baton race without any other athletes to aid him.

“Having thoroughly conquered the British in their own country and besting those decadent American dogs in the hundred metre butterfly stroke, it is clear that my nation is superior in every way- both in our ability to successfully fire rockets and in our ability to beat the heavily tipped Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team in straight sets.”

The success of the North Korean athletes is being put down to their strict regimen of exercise, gorging themselves on a handful of rice a week and the fact that their mother’s would be guillotined in a city square if they got anything less than a silver.

Olympic showjumping Gold

As for Kim Jong-Un’s stupefying abilities, the mysterious young leader has stated that they are due to “the ghost  of my father which lives inside my lungs and fills me with the strength of a thousand lions, the speed of seventy-one Jamaicans and the nuclear fire of fifty of our secret warrhea-I mean eagles. The nuclear fire of fifty eagles.”

KCTV reported that the Dear Leader and his athletes won in a surprisingly vast field of events including the 300m traitor shooting, the 200m conga, the bobsleigh, the 1000m landmine pole vault, rhythmic gymnastics, rhythmic waterboarding, dressage and the full contact hammer-throw.

The world's fastest man, seen here trailing behind Kim Jong-Un

Though neither KCTV or North Korea’s government officials have sought verification from London or the Guinness world record organisation the country is celebrating their victory by wailing in the street for five uninterrupted days as the country’s military fires celebratory ballistic missiles indiscriminately in all directions into the Pacific Ocean.

Meanwhile it has been found that new bride Ri Sol-Ju has been paying tribute to her country’s brave athletes in her own way by trying to vault over walls, swim over vast expanses of water and run very far, very fast