Tuesday, 7 August 2012

North Korea Announces It Won All of the Olympics

Olympics news: In an historic sweep, North Korea has won every gold medal at the London 2012 Olympics, sources in the country’s media have confirmed today.

The news broke on the nation’s news channel KCTV (their motto: ‘KCTV: Fair and Balanced’) earlier today when the country’s newly-wed fascist leader and Olympic gold winning hurdler Kim Jong-Un arrived back in Pyongyang fresh from his flight from London’s olympic village, weighed down by six hundred and seventy two gold medals-  a new world record.

A KCTV opined this morning,   “It is a great sign of the undeniable athletic power of our nation under the unquestionable leadership of Kim Jong-Un- the strongest and fastest man who has ever lived

Despite a rocky start, where North korean athletes were introduced under South Korea’s flag, the notoriously fun loving nation were seen to laugh off the gaffe, and assured olympic officials that there were absolutely no hard feelings and it really didn’t matter to them anyway.

Kim Jong-Un’s reported performance at the games came as the real surprise however, with many sportsmen reportedly being surprised at the fact that a man leading one of the world’s most flourishing economies and military forces would have the time to become the best pole vaulter in the world. Others were reportedly incredulous at the sight of the Glorious Leader single handedly winning the rowing events and completing the baton race without any other athletes to aid him.

“Having thoroughly conquered the British in their own country and besting those decadent American dogs in the hundred metre butterfly stroke, it is clear that my nation is superior in every way- both in our ability to successfully fire rockets and in our ability to beat the heavily tipped Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team in straight sets.”

The success of the North Korean athletes is being put down to their strict regimen of exercise, gorging themselves on a handful of rice a week and the fact that their mother’s would be guillotined in a city square if they got anything less than a silver.

Olympic showjumping Gold

As for Kim Jong-Un’s stupefying abilities, the mysterious young leader has stated that they are due to “the ghost  of my father which lives inside my lungs and fills me with the strength of a thousand lions, the speed of seventy-one Jamaicans and the nuclear fire of fifty of our secret warrhea-I mean eagles. The nuclear fire of fifty eagles.”

KCTV reported that the Dear Leader and his athletes won in a surprisingly vast field of events including the 300m traitor shooting, the 200m conga, the bobsleigh, the 1000m landmine pole vault, rhythmic gymnastics, rhythmic waterboarding, dressage and the full contact hammer-throw.

The world's fastest man, seen here trailing behind Kim Jong-Un

Though neither KCTV or North Korea’s government officials have sought verification from London or the Guinness world record organisation the country is celebrating their victory by wailing in the street for five uninterrupted days as the country’s military fires celebratory ballistic missiles indiscriminately in all directions into the Pacific Ocean.

Meanwhile it has been found that new bride Ri Sol-Ju has been paying tribute to her country’s brave athletes in her own way by trying to vault over walls, swim over vast expanses of water and run very far, very fast


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