Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Committee of Middle Aged Male Politicians to Finally Define Rape

Following controversial statements made by US congressman  Todd Akin and the anti-american cat impersonator George Galloway regarding the legal definition of rape made this week,  a joint UK/US committee of baffled middle aged men has been convened to finally produce definitive legislation about female reproductive rights.

The committee of thirty two men aged between fourty-five and sixty will meet in the Red Lion pub in Hackney on Thursday (after Top Gear) to finally sort out all the legislation pertaining to women’s reproductive rights, the legal status of sexual assaults and “all the other stuff that the missus gets in a tizzy about”.


The committee will be headed by Mr Galloway, who earlier stated that the sexual abuse charges levelled at Julian Assange’s would (if true) be considered nothing more than  “bad etiquette”, rather like eating the last Rollo  or not washing your hands after taking a piss. Mr Galloway went on to clarify what constituted secxual assualt or rape and what, in his very expert opinion, was just ‘bad form’ or 'unbecoming behaviour for a gentleman'

Under Mr Galloway’s new definition, currently incarcerated rapists -or ‘very rude people’ as they will be known- will have reduced sentences, while the treatment of rape victims will now be a strong cup of tea, five minutes to get themselves together and bus fare.

Speaking on Radio 4, the Respect MP claimed that, even if it was true that Mr Assange did sexually assault two women, it is likely that he was simply trying to extract records of American human rights abuses that had been hidden in their vaginas and should thus be saluted for his dedication to the truth. “Besides,” expanded the notoriously level-headed MP “who can even prove that women feel emotions like you or I? Are we to let the law be dictated by hysterical wives and mistresses? What if they’ve got the painters in- if you know what i mean?”


Meanwhile the Americans will be represented by US Congressman Akin, who has has faced criticism for wanting to draw distinctions between ‘legitimate rape’ and illegitimate rape’ live on the radio where people could hear him and everything.  Mr. Akin- speaking as a respected professor of Feminism- went on to offer further subcategories of sexual assault such as ‘half rape’, 'quasi-rape', 'rape-lite', ‘rape that turns out not to be so bad’, ‘rape done in the proper spirit’ 

Mr Akin has joined Mr Galloway in opining that women were made from velour, helium and pot pourri and thus could not be subjected to the same laws as men or some livestock. It was also brought up that women- who are mysterious and ever-shifting like the very oceans- can never truly be known, making it difficult to buy them birthday presents or make sexual crime legislation.

The committee- chaired jointly by Jim Davidson and Richard Littlejohn- claim they expect to resolve these sensitive issues quickly and sensibly due to the lack of female intervention, ‘gossip’ or ‘hysteria’

The committee are expected to put all female concerns right by the end of the week.


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