Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Exhumation of Arafat’s Tomb Unleashes Mummy

Efforts to exhume the body of the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat, from a mausoleum in the West Bank have faced a setback today as a bandaged, shambling undead monstrosity has emerged from the tomb, significantly interfering with Palestinian authorities’ investigation into whether Arafat was poisoned or not.

The mysteriously shrouded figure, who bears a striking resemblance to the possibly assassinated world leader has been sighted interfering with scientific equipment, summoning scarabs and chasing Brendan Fraser around the final resting places, though first hand accounts of the figure are scarce due to the unexpected sandstorm in the shape of a screaming face that has consumed the area ever since the team opened the tomb.

Despite being warned by an elderly, scarred middle eastern man, the scientific team, led by John Hannah, dismissed the talk of ancient forces and curses issued by Ra as ‘superstitious hogwash’ and proceeded on to the dig site so as to confirm or dismiss rumours of Israeli involvement in Arafat’s death. Though Arafat was 79 at the time of his death foul play has long been suspected

In 2005, the New York Times obtained a copy of Arafat's medical records from two Israeli journalists  According to the records, Arafat's illness began four hours after he ate a meal on the evening of 12 October 2004 inside the Muqataa presidential compound. According to sources close to Arafat, this meal was found to contain an unusual number of asps- a venomous snake, the milk of which Arafat is rumored to have drunk in private to maintain both his beauty and his hatred of Israelis

Though he was rushed to hospital, Arafat died shortly afterward and was (as his will demanded) embalmed, mummified, buried with all of his gold and servants and placed in a room full of boobytraps and deadly puzzles.However, mounting tension necessitated the confirmation of his cause of death.

Having opened the mausoleum the scientific team, led by several renowned adventurers, communicated to Palestinian officials at 11:09am that the expedition was going well and that they were about to open Arafat’s tomb. However shortly after a member of the party picked up a mysterious musty book written in an ancient language and read from it, communication from the team ceased.

Many experts are suspecting that the reading of Arafat’s full name (Mohammed Yasser Abdel Rahman Abdel Raouf Arafat al-Qudwa Al-Husseini) backwards is thought to be connected with the appearance of the shambling figure which is suspected of being responsible of reducing the scientific team to husks, as if the life had been drained from them somehow

Though several men with arcane symbols drawn on their faces have come forward to claim that opening the tomb will spell an age of darkness and chaos for the region, most middle eastern analysts remain confused as to how anyone will be able to tell the difference.


Schofield still Handing out Lists of Suspected Paedophiles

Beloved TV presenter and former gopher puppeteer Phillip Schofield is coming under fire today due to his continued insistence of handing lists of suspected paedophiles to his guests live on This Morning

The practice- which began when Schofield presented a list of names which were linked on the internet to child abuse to Prime Minister David Cameron- has become a regular feature of the program, much to the chagrin of viewers, Ofcom and Holly Willoughby.

The first instance of the seemingly spontaneous stunt stirred up controversy upon its broadcast, prompting an inquiry by Lord McAlpine and several statements denouncing the ‘gotcha journalism’ from the Prime Minister. However, Schofield has continued to present a steady stream of lists of suspected child rapists on every subsequent broadcasts of the live mid morning chat show in a move that has been called ‘bizarrely confrontational but admirably thorough’

The day after presenting a list to Cameron, Schofield handed a similar sheet to two of the members of One Direction and sat in silence for four minutes as the chart toppers scanned through the list, attempting to guess which of the people included were indeed responsible for several counts of violent sexual child abuse while promoting their new single ‘Love Baby Party Disco Yes’.

Despite the flood of complaints to ITV bosses Schofield repeated the segment at the end of subsequent interviews with Pauline Quirke, the drummer from Coldplay, the cast of Emmerdale, Emma Bunton, an autistic dog trainer, Gregg Wallace, Nigella Lawson and a Coventry based farmer who had grown a record breakingly huge marrow.

Though few of the guests commented on the lists, Schofield has insisted that each read the names silently and in full as he watched, then demanded that they either confirm or deny the paedophilic status of each of the accused, though for legal reasons, the names could not be broadcast.

Failed Time Lord David Tennant, who was a victim of Schofield’s televised unofficial pervert poll told us, “He just looked at me dead in the eyes and kept demanding I read the names and tell him who we should go after. I tried to, I really did. It seemed to be some kind of strange power game with him. I threw the first list away and tried to keep talking about my new shit british comedy film but he had a new list in my hand in a second and his eyes were so black and cold and unflinching."

Though Schofield himself remains unavailable for comment ITV bosses have already condemned his actions, claiming “We simply don’t know where he keeps getting these lists”


Monday, 19 November 2012

Gazza comes under Attack from Israel

UN chiefs have today come out to condemn a series of sudden and brutal mortar attacks mounted by the Israeli military on retired England midfielder Paul Gascoigne

The embattled middle eastern nation launched its first attack on Gazza on the 14th of November marking the first recorded eruption of violence between the beloved 90s footballer and the Jewish-majority Middle Eastern state. following this initial attack, aggression between the two has been nearly constant.

The Israeli Defence Force (IDF) subsequently announced the start of operation ‘Fog on The Tyne’ which it said was intended to protect Israeli citizens from rocket attacks from the recovering alcoholic scouser, as well as crippling Gazza’s ability to launch comedy singles or adverts for crisps.

Sources close to the footballer are said to be appalled and bemused by the sudden bombardment of high ordinance levelled against any area where the footballer is believed to reside in, which started when the 45 year old was at his local branch of Lidl buying tinned pineapples and gammon steaks

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said the operation was launched because he could no longer "accept a situation in which Israeli citizens are threatened by the terrorist attacks or more tell-all books about hitting rock bottom or working with Terry Venables".

In response to these hostilities US President Barack Obama said on 18 November that it was "preferable" that Israel did not launch a ground offensive on Gazza, pointing instead to the continued existence of John Terry or, failing that West Ham defender Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock. However, despite this plea for harmony the aggression levelled at Gascoigne has continued this last six days, while Terry has remained remarkably and regrettably un-mortared.

The fighting thus far has centred around Gazza’s strip- the number 19 England shirt that was worn in the 1990 FIFA World Cup- which is thought to be worth upwards of eight hundred pounds.

Although Gascoigne’s military adviser has told us that he remains unharmed in his Newcastle-based bunker, the conflict between Israel and Gazza has so far caused an enormous amount of collateral damage, with upwards of 20,000 Palestinians having been killed in the crossfire.

A ceasefire agreement chaired by Gary Linekar is being proposed for later in the month.


Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Thousands Recover After Def Leppard Rocks Cleveland

Emergency services are scrambling to Cleveland today as thousands have been injured and left without homes after Def Leppard rocked the city to its very foundations last night.

Left; Leppard rocks Cleveland, Right; Cleveland tries to pick up the pieces

The catastrophic heavy rock show is thought to have caused millions of dollars worth of damage to the buildings and infrastructure around the concert venue which is now being referred to as ‘ground zero’.

Today FEMA representatives and rapid response units from the surrounding states have sped to the aid of the multitudes of rock-affected citizens who are today having to rebuild their lives and homes in the wake of the disaster.

The ill-fated concert, started at around 8pm EST, but it was only minutes before the effects and casualties of Def Leppard were being reported in the wider area. According to sources inside the battered city, by the beginning of Hysteria, the first power outages were noted. By the solo of Long Long Way To Go, the first tremors were felt and by the crescendo of Stand Up (Kick Love into Motion), the first fatality had already been reported

The British rockers are today facing the responsibility for rocking Cleveland well beyond its limits, resulting in the deaths of over thirty five concert goers and a bus containing seven schoolchildren which crashed during the climax of ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’, ending the lives of five of the passengers.

Firefighter attempt to rescue those trapped in the Love Bites landslide

Police are charging the hard rock group with acts of premeditated terrorism, citing promotional material which boasted that that the Sheffield-based band would ‘rock Cleveland like a hurricane’, a statement deemed grossly offensive in the wake of hurricane Sandy and the career of The Scorpions.

A tweet sent by lead singer and writer Getcha Rocks Off, Joe Elliott, previous to the gig has been taken as evidence of the band’s intention of decimating the heavily populated city centre, and knocking out power for the entire western region of the state of Ohio .One hour previous to the start of the destruction the veteran rocker sent his followers the message: ‘Hope cleveland knows what it’s letting itself in for. We’re going to annihilate tonight #mayhem’ . 

The singer, seven roadies and a one armed drummer are currently being held for questioning.

However the band’s representation state that it was always clearly stated that the band’s intention was ‘aural mayhem’ and that any city which hosts them should expect some collateral damage

Vivian Cambell (bass, backing vocals) told us, "We said that we would rock the fuck out of Cleveland. From where I stand we fulfilled our side of the bargain. If a major metropolitan centre can't make the necessary preparations, then that's not Def Leppard's fault; that's Cleveland's."

 However, as the bodies pile up in Ohio's capital tonight, the anger of these rock-fucked citizens is turning not toward its own government, but to the band behind 'When Love and Hate Collide'

The disaster is the first of its kind since Vixen ended the lives of the first three rows of a particularly loud show in 1987 and, before that, the notorious 1986 Jakkal concert which wiped out the population of a small island just off of the coast of Stornaway.

President Obama is expected to visit the devastated city within the week and has already promised further aid to those affected by Def Leppard