Sunday, 4 November 2012

Scotland Yard Arrests the 1970s

Following the investigation into Jimmy Savile’s career of sexual abuse and disappointing televised wish-granting which has already involved Freddie Starr, Gary Glitter and even John Peel, Scotland Yard has today brought in the nineteen seventies for questioning, it has emerged.

Pictures: Saville looking innocent
The decade, which has long been rumored to be absolutely full to the brim with casual child rape and hilarious trouser fashions has been taken in for questioning earlier today following allegations that it oversaw a ten year period when anyone with a mild amount of fame was allowed, and even encouraged, to have their way with children, as long as the victims in question got a free trip to the BBC or got to meet Bananarama.

The grubby decade has long been suspected of harbouring sexual perversity and unhealthy amounts of disco music, but until the Saville case, these rumours have largely been ignored on the grounds that they were ‘massively depressing’. However, after a courageous investigative campaign into Savile’s character, led by Louis Theroux, the self evident details of the popular entertainer’s enormous creepiness came to light.

Doubts about Jimmy Saville first surfaced when somebody saw him. Following this visual confirmation of his innate wrongness it was concluded that he did indeed seem like a kind of partially reanimated rape-mummy, or a more sinister cryptkeeper dipped in a vat of gaudy shellsuits. The fact that he was ever allowed to be in the same building or dimension as a child has been blamed on the influence of the smutty period of time.

Despite the fact that leaving a child under the care of an decrepit old DJ in a gold tracksuit was known to be roughly as safe as leaving one’s child under the care of a forest fire or fifteen pervert squids, the fact that the marathon loving paedophile was given television shows wherein he was specifically and repeatedly given charge of children has been brought into question. 

The 1970s has been charged on this count for being responsible for the prominence of vaguely unsettling entertainers such as Saville, Starr, Gary Glitter and literally everyone else who appeared on TV during the decade.

The controversial case has seen the emergence of many light entertainment personalities who claimed that the climate of accepted paedophilia was to blame for nobody reporting these incidents even when suspicions were raised or assaults were accidentally broadcast live on Top of the Pops.

Angela Rippon has come forward to tell us of the accepted practice, stating: “Before the eighties, dicking a child while being on the telly was basically thought to be ace. A misdemeanor at most, like littering or not paying for your TV license. It was widely accepted that a famous person had carte blanche to do whatever they liked to preteen genitals. In many cases it was written into the contracts of drivetime DJs. It was the sole reason why many people even launched glam rock careers. Being a kid in the seventies was like being Sooty or Sweep: if you were in a television studio, you were only ever minutes away from getting someone’s hand up you.”

When approached for comment earlier, the 1970s declined to respond and left on a spacehopper. Freddie Starr, who was questioned about Savile, as well as his own criminally dickish appearance on Hell’s Kitchen, took the opportunity to deny any involvement, although he did admit to totally seeming like the type.

The trial of the 1970s is ongoing



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