Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Schofield still Handing out Lists of Suspected Paedophiles

Beloved TV presenter and former gopher puppeteer Phillip Schofield is coming under fire today due to his continued insistence of handing lists of suspected paedophiles to his guests live on This Morning

The practice- which began when Schofield presented a list of names which were linked on the internet to child abuse to Prime Minister David Cameron- has become a regular feature of the program, much to the chagrin of viewers, Ofcom and Holly Willoughby.

The first instance of the seemingly spontaneous stunt stirred up controversy upon its broadcast, prompting an inquiry by Lord McAlpine and several statements denouncing the ‘gotcha journalism’ from the Prime Minister. However, Schofield has continued to present a steady stream of lists of suspected child rapists on every subsequent broadcasts of the live mid morning chat show in a move that has been called ‘bizarrely confrontational but admirably thorough’

The day after presenting a list to Cameron, Schofield handed a similar sheet to two of the members of One Direction and sat in silence for four minutes as the chart toppers scanned through the list, attempting to guess which of the people included were indeed responsible for several counts of violent sexual child abuse while promoting their new single ‘Love Baby Party Disco Yes’.

Despite the flood of complaints to ITV bosses Schofield repeated the segment at the end of subsequent interviews with Pauline Quirke, the drummer from Coldplay, the cast of Emmerdale, Emma Bunton, an autistic dog trainer, Gregg Wallace, Nigella Lawson and a Coventry based farmer who had grown a record breakingly huge marrow.

Though few of the guests commented on the lists, Schofield has insisted that each read the names silently and in full as he watched, then demanded that they either confirm or deny the paedophilic status of each of the accused, though for legal reasons, the names could not be broadcast.

Failed Time Lord David Tennant, who was a victim of Schofield’s televised unofficial pervert poll told us, “He just looked at me dead in the eyes and kept demanding I read the names and tell him who we should go after. I tried to, I really did. It seemed to be some kind of strange power game with him. I threw the first list away and tried to keep talking about my new shit british comedy film but he had a new list in my hand in a second and his eyes were so black and cold and unflinching."

Though Schofield himself remains unavailable for comment ITV bosses have already condemned his actions, claiming “We simply don’t know where he keeps getting these lists”


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