Gazza comes under Attack from Israel

UN chiefs have today come out to condemn a series of sudden and brutal mortar attacks mounted by the Israeli military on retired England midfielder Paul Gascoigne

The embattled middle eastern nation launched its first attack on Gazza on the 14th of November marking the first recorded eruption of violence between the beloved 90s footballer and the Jewish-majority Middle Eastern state. following this initial attack, aggression between the two has been nearly constant.

The Israeli Defence Force (IDF) subsequently announced the start of operation ‘Fog on The Tyne’ which it said was intended to protect Israeli citizens from rocket attacks from the recovering alcoholic scouser, as well as crippling Gazza’s ability to launch comedy singles or adverts for crisps.

Sources close to the footballer are said to be appalled and bemused by the sudden bombardment of high ordinance levelled against any area where the footballer is believed to reside in, which started when the 45 year old was at his local branch of Lidl buying tinned pineapples and gammon steaks

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said the operation was launched because he could no longer "accept a situation in which Israeli citizens are threatened by the terrorist attacks or more tell-all books about hitting rock bottom or working with Terry Venables".

In response to these hostilities US President Barack Obama said on 18 November that it was "preferable" that Israel did not launch a ground offensive on Gazza, pointing instead to the continued existence of John Terry or, failing that West Ham defender Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock. However, despite this plea for harmony the aggression levelled at Gascoigne has continued this last six days, while Terry has remained remarkably and regrettably un-mortared.

The fighting thus far has centred around Gazza’s strip- the number 19 England shirt that was worn in the 1990 FIFA World Cup- which is thought to be worth upwards of eight hundred pounds.

Although Gascoigne’s military adviser has told us that he remains unharmed in his Newcastle-based bunker, the conflict between Israel and Gazza has so far caused an enormous amount of collateral damage, with upwards of 20,000 Palestinians having been killed in the crossfire.

A ceasefire agreement chaired by Gary Linekar is being proposed for later in the month.

MM