Monday, 5 November 2012

America Accidentally Elects Coalition Government of Romney/Clegg

Following confusion at the polling offices today, which is being blamed on a misleading ballot paper and the overwhelming ineptitude of the Liberal Democrat Party, it has been announced that an unprecedented coalition government has been elected in America, with Nick Clegg to be Deputy President alongside Mitt Romney.

The surprising and wholly depressing turnout for America this week means that the next four years of American Government will be split between the unsettling Mormon cyborg Mitt Romney and members of the Lib Dem party who will be shipped to Washington DC in crates sometime later in the month where they will be installed in a spare toilet cubicle in the second floor of a Starbucks adjacent to Congress. From this base of operations the left wing party will begin to affect systemic change in much the same way as they resolutely did in Britain.

Despite the fact that this new post will diminish his responsibilities in Downing Street, David Cameron was quick to assure President Romney that Clegg's current job of wandering the halls looking lost, asking passing people 'what's going on?' and weeping openly in the presence of mirrors could be achieved remotely, or on the weekends.

Pictured: Romney, collecting his Clegg
Though President Romney has yet to issue a statement about the status of his coalition government, political analysts and anyone who has met Nick Clegg expect the former Minnesota governor to be disappointed by the turn of events. However, sources within the Lib Dem party and Mr. Clegg himself have assured the Republican party that tempering the right wing with Clegg has never done anything to slow down whatever rampant wave of evil conservatives wish to visit upon peasants and, according to some studies, actually seems to speed it up.

Senior Lib Dem Jeremy Jedward today told us, “Under Clegg, the Tories have been able to start burning down the NHS, include ownership of a person’s ‘first born’ in university tuition fees, failed to get House of Lords reform and failed to get anyone to tell him where the House of Lords actually is.”

He continued, “ I don’t know what Mitt Romney actually wants to do- nobody does- but the man seems to be vaguely against women’s reproductive rights, as well as women in general. So, even though the Lib Dems are nominally ‘pro-choice’, i wouldn’t predict Romney having any trouble reversing Roe vs Wade, shutting down abortion clinics or just sewing vaginas closed in the dead of night while Clegg looked on, seeming increasingly dead inside but remaining pleasingly mute.”

Though few are willing to speculate on how the new Clegg-inclusive ballot papers ended up being distributed in the States, some Whitehall insiders are pointing the finger at Prime Minister David Cameron, who has been seen to be in a jubilant mood this week, riding around on Rebekah Brooks’ horse and laughing as he shut down hospitals and libraries and dreams.

An investigation into the Clegg debacle is underway in Congress, with both sides and anyone who meets him trying to agree on a way to ship him somewhere else.
However this effort will doubtless be impeded by the announcement earlier today by the Home Office of the complete closure of all of Britain’s borders and the subsequent erection of a sixty foot electrified wall around Britain.


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