Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Thousands Recover After Def Leppard Rocks Cleveland

Emergency services are scrambling to Cleveland today as thousands have been injured and left without homes after Def Leppard rocked the city to its very foundations last night.

Left; Leppard rocks Cleveland, Right; Cleveland tries to pick up the pieces

The catastrophic heavy rock show is thought to have caused millions of dollars worth of damage to the buildings and infrastructure around the concert venue which is now being referred to as ‘ground zero’.

Today FEMA representatives and rapid response units from the surrounding states have sped to the aid of the multitudes of rock-affected citizens who are today having to rebuild their lives and homes in the wake of the disaster.

The ill-fated concert, started at around 8pm EST, but it was only minutes before the effects and casualties of Def Leppard were being reported in the wider area. According to sources inside the battered city, by the beginning of Hysteria, the first power outages were noted. By the solo of Long Long Way To Go, the first tremors were felt and by the crescendo of Stand Up (Kick Love into Motion), the first fatality had already been reported

The British rockers are today facing the responsibility for rocking Cleveland well beyond its limits, resulting in the deaths of over thirty five concert goers and a bus containing seven schoolchildren which crashed during the climax of ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’, ending the lives of five of the passengers.

Firefighter attempt to rescue those trapped in the Love Bites landslide

Police are charging the hard rock group with acts of premeditated terrorism, citing promotional material which boasted that that the Sheffield-based band would ‘rock Cleveland like a hurricane’, a statement deemed grossly offensive in the wake of hurricane Sandy and the career of The Scorpions.

A tweet sent by lead singer and writer Getcha Rocks Off, Joe Elliott, previous to the gig has been taken as evidence of the band’s intention of decimating the heavily populated city centre, and knocking out power for the entire western region of the state of Ohio .One hour previous to the start of the destruction the veteran rocker sent his followers the message: ‘Hope cleveland knows what it’s letting itself in for. We’re going to annihilate tonight #mayhem’ . 

The singer, seven roadies and a one armed drummer are currently being held for questioning.

However the band’s representation state that it was always clearly stated that the band’s intention was ‘aural mayhem’ and that any city which hosts them should expect some collateral damage

Vivian Cambell (bass, backing vocals) told us, "We said that we would rock the fuck out of Cleveland. From where I stand we fulfilled our side of the bargain. If a major metropolitan centre can't make the necessary preparations, then that's not Def Leppard's fault; that's Cleveland's."

 However, as the bodies pile up in Ohio's capital tonight, the anger of these rock-fucked citizens is turning not toward its own government, but to the band behind 'When Love and Hate Collide'

The disaster is the first of its kind since Vixen ended the lives of the first three rows of a particularly loud show in 1987 and, before that, the notorious 1986 Jakkal concert which wiped out the population of a small island just off of the coast of Stornaway.

President Obama is expected to visit the devastated city within the week and has already promised further aid to those affected by Def Leppard


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