Friday, 30 December 2011

Jennifer Lopez Launches New Range of Ride-On Lawnmowers

Latina pop diva,American Idol judge, perfume manufacturer, record producer and clothes designer Jennifer Lopez has added a new enterprise to her revenue stream today as she has launched her own range of ride-on lawnmowers

Speaking at a press conference J Lo announced: “Every strong powerful woman needs to take pride in her appearance and the appearance of their lawns. I was sick of all of the sturdy, ill-functioning ride-on lawnmowers and strimmers on the market. I wanted something with a little glamour, a little sparkle; something for the diva in all of us. So i made my own. Today I unveil the future of sassy hip-hop gardencare- the TrundleCut S1300””

Though primarily known for latin tinged RnB, shaking her booty and being briefly married to rap and tractor mogul Puff Daddy/P Diddy (real name Christopher James Daddy), Lopez has insisted that her first love has always been large mechanical gardening equipment

“Ever since I was a little girl from the block, I dreamed of having my very own line of strimmers, electric hedge clippers, even hosepipe attachments. My dancing career, my movie career, my brief marriage to Ben Affleck; all that was a part of my long and circuitous plan to establish enough of a cache to launch this ride-on lawnmower. It has a 17.5 HP Briggs and Stratton Intek Overhead Valve Engine for superior performance , a hand operated hydrostatic drive lever that eliminates gear changes and provides effortless control and a 102cm cutting width with twin blades for efficient cutting of larger areas”

“It also comes with a free mulching kit. This is a top notch ride-on lawnmower. And that’s coming from the star of Monster-In-Law

Though market analysts predict that the Gigli star will face stiff competition from established brands like Flymo and John Deere, Lopez is insistent that she has the business savvy to crush her opposition and establish complete market dominance over the personal and industrial gardening world, citing her stratospheric rise to pop superstardom through savvy business and rump shaking as precedent.

J Lo has received widespread support for her venture into the world of driveable lawnmowers from her Hollywood friends. George Clooney, who co-starred with J Lo on Out of Sight has said: “She used to arrive on-set every day on a different kind of agricultural vehicle. I expected her to be a bit demanding, going by her reputation but she really isn’t and she can talk about the benefits of centrally mounted floating decks and anti-scalp wheels til the cows come home. I really learned a lot from her”

J Lo’s TrundleCut sit-on mower and her personally designed range of wheelbarrows will be available to buy from January 12th


Iraq ‘Perfectly Stable’ Claims Man Who is on Fire

After nine years of conflict and occupation by British and American forces, a newly independent Iraq is now looking toward a future of unbridled harmony, claims a man wreathed in flame yesterday.

The Iraqi spokesman, who burst into a live broadcast on Al Jazeera yesterday while visibly bleeding and alarmingly ablaze attempted to quell rumours that the unstable area was falling into chaos after a series of three bomb blasts claimed many lives.

The man claimed; “Our glorious new democratic Iraq has celebrated its freedom by setting off three impromptu fireworks displays in crowded markets in the middle of the day. That is all. Everything is fine. Please do not return to our country.”

The man on fire continued: “These displays have been planned by one of the dozen or so groups in Iraq who are thrilled at the new opportunities that the American departure from the turbulent area presents. The fireworks displays, could perhaps have been planned better since they have killed roughly sixty bystanders but the intention was always simply to mark the celebratory mood of the country. We are sure that the other bystanders were enthralled by this colourful and large impromptu displays of awakened national pride mounted from inside derelict cars”

Despite the assurances of the unnamed and partially cooked spokesman, many feel that the recent departure of remaining American forces has left a power vacuum that could be filled by one of the many terrorist or militia organisations in the notoriously unstable region. However according to sources cowering under desks every time there is a loud bang outside, this attitude is unwarranted as most of the violent demonstrations are simply overzealous celebrations that should have nothing read into them.

“Of course nobody has reported on the Catherine Wheels or barbecues pits we have out here. It’s just a big, old party. It’ll be over soon and you will hear no such reports of dissent or murder from us. Pay no heed.”

“We are told this is simply the tip of the iceberg and many know that our country will soon be lit up by similar displays as the country celebrates its bright future of untrammelled democracy and peace after such a long period of bloodshed and despotism. So don’t worry.”

Shortly after the departure of the man who was on fire, Al Jazeera has been said to have received a tape from the anonymous group of revellers, promising that soon the entire country would be ‘ablaze’ with similar celebrations, promising that “The fires we set will reach the face of Allah, telling him that our land is free of the infidel forces, ready to be reclaimed by his chosen people”, though Iraqi sources are claiming that this is largely in reference to a big buffet and a ceilidh that is planned for some time next week..

Commenting on the broadcast, President Barack Obama who has recently overseen the withdrawal of troops commented to CNN that it “seemed legit” and there was “no reason to suspect an upcoming bloody civil war.”


Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Sir Alan Sugar Revealed as Ad Campaign Gone Too Far

The future of BBC’s The Apprentice and Amstrad have been thrown into doubt today as leaked documents from the computer company have revealed that Sir Alan Sugar is, in fact, a character in a made up ad campaign that ‘got off the rails somewhere in the early nineties’

The documents, leaked by a low-level Amstrad IT technician who happened on the secret files while performing routine maintenance on a company CEO’s computer, chronicle the genesis, design and implimentation of the persona of ‘Alan Sugar’- a fictional head for the company that was created as a ‘gruff cockney Ronald McDonald’

Inaginatorium Advertising has come forward, admitting to being behind the ad campaign that designed Alan Sugar. Creative Director Marcus Lancefoot told us: “We’re truly sorry. I guess we got caught up in the success of Sir Alan. We have created a monster.” Lancefoot admitted that the fabricated role of Sugar was filled by Essex-based actor Noddy Topple, who had just been turned down for the starring role in Only Fools and Horses, “He was perfect. He had the accent down, the unaccountably irritable demeanour and he looked like what would happen if Ray Winstone collided with an ornery badger.”

Explaining the PR strategy behind pretending that an irate old man was the head of an IT firm, Lancefoot explained: “The computer magnates in America had the market cornered. Bill Gates was a power-geek who looked like he smelled of loneliness and D&D boards, Steve Jobs with his turtle neck and his little round glasses seemed like a kind of techno messiah, with his artistic logos and ads. We needed something uniquely British: a market trader kind of figure, but rough and always annoyed and intolerant and suspicious of schooling and women. The kind of stodgy old bore who would go on and on about going to the University of Life while sipping warm bitter in a shit pub before going home to beat his sad-eyed wife. That’s the kind of person the British public could embrace and the success of The Apprentice bears that out”

“We needed to set him apart from the rest of the computing crowd, so we decided he should appear actively suspicious of technology and computing. This was great because Noddy’s a real technophobe in real life so, on the Apprentice when he’s talking about ‘wireless e-mail-machines’ and ‘bluetooth-ipod-thingees’ we didn’t even really have to write that. The public respects a man who can rise to the top of a field he doesn’t truly understand through sheer brutish unpleasantness”

Sugar’s star was on the rise with his role in The Apprentice- a show in which unpleasantly brash people in suits are put in teams, asked to set up competing lemonade stands and then shouted at by Sir Alan while an unnamed woman and an eerie ghostly figure wearing glasses looks on silently, judging something inside them all

Lancefoot continues: “We realized we had gone too far when he got the knighthood, but we just kind of rode that one out. When Gordon Brown offered him a peerage and started asking him questions about the economy we thought we were done for. As it turns out they largely did that for some press and to keep him around as a kind of pet- they just like to prod him every now and then into going on some ill-thought out rant about sexual discrimination laws or political correctness. Every so often he’d say something on camera so that the panel on Have I Got News For You could laugh at him. I guess we thought we could get away with it forever.”

As Amstrad stock tumbles, the company have made public apologies and have assured their stockholders that all traces of Lord Sugar are being expunged, though they claim that he never truly made any decisions for the company


Creationist Museum Not Intelligently Designed

A Texas museum dedicated to teaching the biblical message that dinosaurs and humans co-existed just like it doesn’t say in the bible has been shut down recently, with building regulators stating that it was “not intelligently designed”

Building regulator Dexter Holland informed the authorities of the various building code violations that closed the christian establishment. He told us :“Listen, building codes and architectural rules have been in an ongoing state of flux for years now. Take disabled ramps: a problem comes along and then our buildings have to mutate to the needs of the population. If they don’t no one will frequent them and they will become neglected and eventually derelict. It’s just common sense: the buildings that adapt to the needs of the population in its environment to survive. The disabled ramps here go to an escalator that goes into the mouth of a stegasaurus being ridden by Saint Paul. That doesn’t work on any level. ”

Holand continued; “Buildings need to keep up to code, and to build on the structures that have come before. A building doesn’t just appear fully formed; you look at what has worked in the past and think on how to improve that. That way we can be moving forward, building on past designs and structures and improving the way we make museums in the future”

“I told them all this, but the guy in charge of this just called me a blasphemer and accused me of trying to tell children that their parents are baboons. I’m really not. I’m a Building Regulator.”

The ‘museum’ came under fire for having a roster of basic structural deficiencies. A room depicting Jesus healing a pteodactyl was built on a dangerously slanted floor. An installation that showed how the Great Flood was a feasible source for all of the water erosion in the world was built into an improperly plumbed wall. An ride in which children could ride on a model of the ark pulled by Plesiosaurs was shut down for Health and safety reasons. A large domed Planetarium that was built to show that stars are actually the twinkling eyes of angels in the distance suffered from improperly secured Seraphs, leading to a spate of angels falling toward the audience in a series of accidents that Museum supervisors have called ‘dangerously Miltonic’.

Dexter Holland concluded that the structure was unfit; “It’s like an M.C Escher building but with more animatronic T-rexes and crucifixes. The fire exits lead to statues of Moses. Also, that diorama of Darwin nailing gills onto a kitten and showing it off to a visibly erect satan seems kinda out of line, but that’s not my department.”

Museum founder Bill Bixby has claimed that the design and idea for the building came to him in a dream where Jesus took him on a walk around Eden, creeping past the velociraptors and into an opening where the Creationis museum was, “He told me to follow his design,” bixby told us: “That if i built it they would come, that it really, honestly isn’t stupid. How could I deviate from his design?”

Bixby has sworn to keep fighting to keep the Museum open, stating: “the children of this great nation need to know that people lived with dinosaurs. After all, if one part of the bible is not to be taken literally, then taken to its logical conclusion; no parts are. We can’t select which bits to believe. No. Cavemen rode on diplodocuses; that’s the only sensible alternative.”


Prince Phillip Heart Attack Blamed on ‘Surprising Negro’

The Duke of Edinburgh, who has been allowed to leave hospital after being kept under observation for four days, has revealed that his heart attack was caused by seeing a black guardsman eating some chicken.

Prince Phillip told the BBC today about the incident, stating that he was taking a walk around Sandringham, when he saw a ‘coloured’ guardsman on his break, eating a cooked lunch of fried chicken followed by a slice of watermelon on an outside bench. The gaffe-prone prince, overcome by the sight of a 'minority' in royal grounds and an consumed with his insurmountable compulsion to say inappropriate things to people who are of a different race to him, succumbed to a heart attack at the sight. "It was like a perfect racism storm" claims a source close to the prince.

The guardsman in question has stated that the Prince approached him, pointing manically to both his face and to his lunch, before wheezingly mutterring some racist insults, clutching his chest and fainting. Paul Lyons- the guardsman in question- recounting the incident has said: “I was amazed. I was just having my lunch when His highness approached me. I snapped to attention, obviously, but he was obviously in a state of distress. He kept pointing to my lunch and back at me. i feel like a fool that i didn’t make the connection. I helped ease him to the ground and he was trying to speak. I remember the last thing he said before he passed out: ‘gollywog’. I called the ambulance immediatly”

“It was like he overloaded” said the guardsman, “He was trying to say all these antiquated insults all at once and I think it got on top of him. If I’d known the trouble this would have caused I would have had a sandwich and a yogurt instead.”

Speaking to the BBC His Royal Highness was in good spirits today, joking:“If I’d just waited a few hours until the sun went down I wouldn’t have seen the bugger at all! Unless he smiled, or opened his eyes wide at me. I didn’t even think we employed those chaps in the Royal guard, but I suppose if any intruders come along they can chuck a few spears at them. Do we still own their country? We don’t?!

The Prince then recounted the plot to the Michael Caine film Zulu to a delighted group of royalists.

Mr. Lyons has since met with the Prince, and has been assured that his position on the staff is safe, despite causing a heart attack to a senior Royal through his race. Speaking after the visit, Lyons told us: “I don’t take offence. We all know how he is. Whether he’s calling a chinese delegate slitty eyed, or giving nazi salutes to Angela Merkel he’s still a part of our royal family, and i for one think that the institution of the monarchy, much like old Phil’s cracks about us ‘coloureds’ is a reminder of a bygone age; a simpler time. God bless him, god bless the queen, god bless these regal relics of our grand imperial past.”

The Prince is said to be making a full recovery and is looking forward to the Queen’s diamond jubilee tour which will afford him the opportunity to meet delegates from many other countries and inform them of the many humorous racial stereotypes that they may or may not conform to.


Monday, 26 December 2011

A Nation Recovers from Being Around Their Families

Britain is returning to a state of normalcy today after enduring another festive period of forced familial closeness.

Experts are estimating that, as is customary, individuals across the land are once again swearing to cut off all ties from their vaguely racist, drunken relatives in an oath that will last roughly eleven months.


The holiday has been criticized for years for being built from the ground up for the purpose of fostering hatred. Kevin Federline, a professor of Christmas studies told us “First of all, you have it in winter, so you basically have to either stay indoors with them or die of exposure if you choose to go for a long walk instead of justifying your life choices to your aunt. Then you introduce near toxic levels of alcohol, an enormous fart-generating meal, a TV schedule that’s like an arid wasteland with Doctor bloody Who in the middle then you introduce the coup de grace: gift giving.”

“After four hours, everyone’s drunk, breathing in each other’s turkey tainted arse-air, staring at Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing on Ice and just seething with rage at the piss poor pile of wacky socks, random stand-up DVDs and whatever bestseller was closest to the till in Waterstones. It could only be worse if there was some kind of religious element at play.”

Christmas survivor Sammy Davis attested to the annual festival that has come to mean to him as with so many others, enduring a period of agreeing with your gin soaked and increasingly loud mother about the problem with ‘all these polish coming over here’ in return for a book about Peter Kay: “I mean I love them, I suppose. I have to, don’t I? But it’s just that being with them. I knew it was coming- sure as death i knew it was coming when winter fell, but there’s only so much you can do to prepare your mind for an argument with your Father that starts off with government foreign policy but somehow ends up being about how you gave up playing the piano, despite all the lessons you had in primary school.”

“Pulling crackers and wearing those stupid paper crowns while some cousin brings up some decade old indiscretion and the radio plays that fucking Pogues song again.....Well, let’s just say I don’t ever want to see those people for as long as I live”

However, at the dawn of Boxing Day a hungover nation wakes to dimly remember what personal recriminations they hurled and which were hurled at them. As is customary, a largely mute breakfast is followed by everybody shuffling to their cars while avoiding eye contact before driving off, sighing heavily and swearing that that was the last time, for real this time.