Tuesday, 6 December 2011

New Royal Diary Reveals Princess Diana’s Secret Illegal Dragracing Passion

A former Buckingham Palace aide has released an incendiary secret diary belonging to the late Princess Diana in which she admitted to a powerful and secret love for illegal underground drag racing.

Selections of the diary, which are due to appear in the Daily Mail this Friday are said to show the earliest signs of instability in Diana’s marriage to the Prince of Wales, her uneasy relationship with the Queen and her long held habit of taking her pimped out 1.6 litre Vauxhall Nova to race with inner city youths in abandoned stadiums or in underpasses late at night.

One of Diana’s many ‘rides’

The patron saint of landmines and infidelity is thought to have started this modding of cheap cars and racing them for kicks sometime in her early teens. In the pages of the diaries, which no royal source has yet commented on, she makes passing reference to her first VW Golf and her habit of sneaking out of her Norfolk home to do doughnuts in the car park of B&Q.

“Charles must never know. I installed a nitrous system in the Peugeot 206 GTI (the one I put the proper bucket seats in last month). One of the stable boys procured it for me and I snuck out in the dead of night when we last stayed in Sandringham. It’s a beautiful system and I know that I can blow all those boy racers away next time I’m at Scunthorpe retail park. Wee Malky might have been a nose ahead last time, but only because he ripped out all the interiors to reduce the weight in that piece-of-shit volvo. If they don’t keep me too long for this dedication at the Great Ormond St. Hospital, I can be down there, beat that team of neds and be back in time to sleep with James Hewitt.”

“I feel the need, the need for speed”

Writing on the specifications of one vehicle Diana displayed a wealth of knowledge about car modification; “I’ve replaced the old exhaust with this wideset beast and I’ve put in a blue light on the undercarriage. I’ve stuck in a mint condition T2 turbocharger and got a Nismo aero kit for the bodywork since it comes with carbon B-pillars and wing mirror covers. I stuck on some MYO6 LED rear lights that look pimp as fuck and a JWT cold air intake. I need to get round to some new brake pads and a paint job but my stereo system is top of the line: in the boot there is just nothing but woofer. I am going to be the queen on saturday at the old dog racing track.”

The unnamed Royal aide, speaking to the Mail said, “It is one of the myriad tragedies of her life that Diana did not live to see the Fast and Furious series of films. I believe she would have found solace and inspiration in them. Truly she was born before her time.”

It is not thought that this new information will re-open investigation into the circumstances of Diana’s death in France.

Felix Prenderghast
Senior Features Correspondent

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